Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Please could someone give me some perspective?(9 Posts)
Bit of background: I've been feeling lonely and disconnected with 'D' P for a while. He's quite introverted whereas I'm quite extrovert. Often, if I try to initiate a silly, lighthearted conversation, he doesn't really respond. Sometimes I'm not 100% sure if he's heard me or not. It's not often he makes eye contact with me. He often comes across as generally quite distant and silently brooding.
Despite this, at times he can be good fun to be around, is generally very supportive of me in a practical sense and (at risk of sounding trite) is a good Dad to our two kids (7 & 18months).
Last week, I realised that I'd got into a bit of a negative cycle with him where I felt unloved by him and was responding by being cold towards him- obviously making the situation worse. So I made a real effort to just be relaxed and bubbly around him in the way that I would be usually if I weren't feeling so unloved/disconnected.
It worked. We got on and the atmosphere lifted. For a couple of days, it felt as though a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Now here comes the crunch:
Sunday am, I made us (me, him & the kids) a nice breakfast. We were all chatting as a family- the mood was jovial. Our daughter was chatting about learning to drive when she's older. DP said he went on his first driving lesson the 'day before his 17th birthday. So 16 and 363 days old.' I (lightheartedly) said 'do you mean 364, there's 365 days in a year.' To this, he adamantly replied that no, there is not- there are 364 and only 365 in a leap year. I asked if he was sure (beginning to doubt myself), and again he said he was sure. I Googled- obviously, he was wrong. I ribbed him for it, but in a genuinely good natured way. However, rather than just admit he was wrong, laugh it off and move on, he denied that he had said it in the first place!?!? He then sat there with a face like a slapped arse, went back into one of his sulking moods and sat staring at the sport on the TV rather than engage with us. (This is commonplace).
I think I was probably more sensitive than usual to his black cloud mood as this weekend marked the 3 year anniversary of my lovely Dad dying. (He knew this).
Just to be clear, my general knowledge about stuff is appalling. I regularly come out with corkers, which he ribs me for and I take in the good natured way that I assume it is meant.
This is not the first time that we have had one of these (what I think are) bizarre interactions. A couple of times, he has not bothered fully communicating with me/told bizarre trivial white lies about totally insignificant stuff- so trivial though that it is impossible to tell whether or not he has meant to mislead me or if he's just a poor communicator. He says it's the latter. But he would, wouldn't he?
Going back 5 years, we did have major relationship problems with him smoking a lot of weed (making him very moody) and lying about it. I am 100% sure that this is not the case now, he got help and stopped and is generally much more pleasant to be around now. I mention this simply in the context that he does have form for lying under a certain circumstance....
Thank you for reading and sorry for the long post. Perspective appreciated...
On its own it doesn't seem like a big thing. Sometimes people are wrong. Sometimes they won't admit it. We all know there are 365 days in a year. Is that enough for you or is there more to it?
Just a question then - if there are 52 weeks in the year - how come 52 X 7 = 364 ? There must be a reason.
OP, actually, I feel differently to the first two respondents. And I do believe you must trust your gut here, and trust it implicitly.
Is there anyway he could be a bit depressed? (Not to excuse behaviour or attitude but my husband acted like a stroppy moody teen when he was depressed)
Carben- that is a really good point! I wonder too!
CBW. Thank you. No there isn't any more to it. The bit that got me was simply just the denial that he had said it...I get that he doesn't like being wrong (personally it wouldn't bother me, in fact I would have laughed at myself), but I guess people are different. He says he denied it afterwards because he was embarrassed. So at least now he's no longer pretending that I had misheard him!! (Our daughter was saying that she heard him too, otherwise I suspect he'd still be saying that I simply misheard him). I dunno, perhaps I am just making a mountain out of nothing.
Ginger- I think that is highly possible, and what's more, my suspicion is that his historic weed issue probably came about through an attempt at self medication...but is it right of me to attempt to get him to address this on my say so?
His (what comes across as) bouts of withdrawing/sullenness/lack of joy in life/meaningful communication are spoiling what should be a happy and stable life.
It's difficult as if it's the root cause, a first step to addressing it and seeking help or attempting any self help stuff is to actually acknowledge and admit there's a problem or be able to recognise feelings and behaviour as symptoms in yourself (him). Which for someone who is struggling, is quite challenging. And for someone else to suggest it can be difficult to accept if they a) aren't great at emotional literacy and b) see mh as not their problem/ have stigma associated to it.
One way could be to go to couples counselling as then it could be gently explored together.
If you think this is the root of it.
Not making eye contact much can be a symptom.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.