Future faking ---- Ohhh...

[Nearlyhadenough]

Just been catching up and reading a few threads.

One poster suggested that an OP should look at a list of things including future faking. I'd not heard of this before (unlike the other things in the list) so I looked it up.....

I didn't think it was a 'real' thing with a 'real' name. It's exactly what my H has always done, I thought it was just him/us. It's just more of his lies really.

I feel quite shocked - though I know I shouldn't be, the realisation that I was in an abusive relationship came during a counselling session some months ago.

Maybe this is just what I needed. I've been torn between 'too divorce or not divorce' for some time - mainly because of what H says is going to be our future if we stay together. It's all more lies, isn't it?

[FreeFromHarm]

Generally yes, how did the counselling go? And the abuse ... Emotional violent ? How did you feel afterwards ?

[Nearlyhadenough]

FreeFromHarm - no violence, very much emotional with lots of control. 20 odd years of it. And lies, oh, the lies....

The counselling (eventually, we had couples counselling and psycho-sexual counselling together, but he pulled out of both. I then had some on my own when I was experiencing distress over a number of things - including the decision to divorce or not) was wonderful - really opened my eyes to what was happening, I had been in denial for years. Hard to believe I am a trained counsellor myself!

Unfortunately, my counsellor became ill - so I haven't been able to see her for a while and in that time H (though he knows I want to divorce, won't accept it and for financial reasons we are still living in the same house) is trying to persuade me to stay. I know that all he says is says is lies....

Reading the description of 'future faking' - really hit home. It's exactly what is happening in my house.

I think it may have been just what I needed to stop me falling for his lies again.

[KylieJo]

So uhm ... you have been together for 20 years as I gather. And throughout all that time he has future faked and (I assume) even though nothing changed it didn't sound the alarm for you?

[FreeFromHarm]

I was in similar situation, I divorced him , his lies have cost us everything, our home ( he is still in it with ow who is oblivious) it was the fakery and downright believable fantasy stories which has now been diagnosed with severe pd, I should have delved deeper into his past and his family .
I am a trained professional , he had me hooked for years, moving us further and further away from family.... his pretense even to the point of involving people he still believe everything he says astounds me.

[Nearlyhadenough]

KylieJo - Yes - I have been a complete mug for 20 odd years and I am have only recently woken up to that fact.

It didn't sound alarms throughout the relationship - neither did anything else though.... the isolating me from friends and family, the gaslighting, trying to get me sectioned, the affairs, building me up and letting me crash to the ground when realising that again everything he said was just lies. I thought it was all normal - because he told me I was a little bit mad.

I'm still trying to accept that this is NOT a 'normal' relationship. I think it is me, that somehow I am doing something wrong somehow.

Thank you, FreeFromHarm, for saying that your H had you hooked for years...makes me feel a little less foolish.

[FunnyTummy]

MN has taught me so much, and this is another lesson. I hadn't heard of this until reading your OP this morning. I have had a read about future faking and it all makes so much sense.

I hope your situation improves op xxxx

[HowToChooseAUserName]

I thought "future faking" was what narcissist types did at the start of relationship when they come on strong to pretend you have a future as a committed couple. "when we are married..." or "next year we can go to Thailand" or "what would you like for Christmas" (suggesting that they think you will be together then and talking about your future together when they have no intention of that happening).

How can you have future faking in a marriage? By definition you are married and committed? Serious question - sorry if I misunderstood.

[HopefulHamster]

Of course you can have future faking in a marriage.

"We'll have children next year."
"Maybe children in two years when we're more settled."
"We'll buy a house in five years." "I'll put you on the deeds when we redo the mortgage next year."
"Next summer we'll go on lots of family trips and little breaks. I won't be working so much."

[JMJHMG]

I wonder if my BF of 3 months is future faking.

He talks of the future a lot, of how he can see us living together maybe in 2 or 3 years. Of how our children will meet maybe in 4-6 months.

He has followed through on some of the stuff he's talked about i.e. we've been on a holiday he promised, and he's booked another holiday in the future.

How on earth are you supposed to know if its future faking, or the real thing??

[FellOutOfBed2wice]

I had one of these and he also made me think I was going mad. Proper head fuck.

[Nearlyhadenough]

HowTo - I agree that this is certainly true for a lot of narcissists when starting a relationship - but it hit me well and truly as a description of my H when I read about it, and yes, we are married and have been for nearly 24 years!

I don't think future faking has to to just with reeling someone into the start of a relationship - it has been done in my circumstances to keep me under control and to stop me walking away when I have shown a glimpse of independence. The things H has said are both positive things, as Hamster suggests above or negative things along the lines of 'if we are not together you will have to give up your job'.

It is a complete madness - after so many years and so many lies there is no way of knowing what is the truth and what is simply more lies (future faking).

[Destinysdaughter]

How are you supposed to know if it's future faking? Good question! I don't know but I do know that actions are much more meaningful than words and that's the only way to judge someone's true intentions.

[HopefulHamster]

JMJHMG Lots of people talk about the future, but it's the way that this talk is being used that's key. If they are saying 'this will almost certainly definitely probably (NOT) happen in x amount of time' to shut you up about something then it's cause for concern. If it's just general talk about what you might be doing next year, it is mostly likely just regular future talk!

[VestalVirgin]

How on earth are you supposed to know if its future faking, or the real thing??

As long as he doesn't ask you to base any important decisions on what he says, does it matter?
Planning holidays and saying that maybe you will move together in a couple of years seems harmless enough.

[Joysmum]

Not if it's done with an underhand purpose.

[Destinysdaughter]

This is a v good post from the Baggage Reclaim website

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/understanding-why-someone-fakes-a-future-with-you/

[donajimena]

JMJ I wondered the same thing too when I started dating my partner. Everything we talked about we have done but when it was early days I just used to say 'thats a nice idea'..
I dated a total narc who still hasn't taken me to Paris and we never did get married (thank fuck)
I guess I didn't take anything at face value this time round as a PP said its about the actions rather than words

[JMJHMG]

So far, his actions and words match up (other than the plans for the far future, obviously) and he doesn't say these things to shut me up, because at the time he is saying it, I am not saying anything that warrants him to want me to shut up

[Shiningexample]

Talk is cheap
Actions speak louder than words

But bullshit baffles brains

Its a variety of keeping you sweet...telling you what you want to hear

Future faking is a good phrase, gives it more weight, someone is making a deliberate attempt to exploit and deceive

[Shiningexample]

Baggage Reclaim website

Ever so good isn't she😁

[Destinysdaughter]

She's so insightful. I don't know how she does it. Love how she manages to identify and name these behaviours and types. It's certainly saved my sanity at times, especially re going No Contact and why that's so important.

[Destinysdaughter]

She should win an award for 'services to womankind'!

Wonder if MN could get her to do a webchat...?

[ThinkingForever]

Never heard of "future faking" before!

But now I come to think of it the Narcissist I knew did it. One day he was talking about where he was going to live when he retired. He then added that I could visit him there! I'd only been on about 3 actual dates with him (but lots of ridiculous texting etc). A ridiculous hook of course, but it threw me at the time. Behind it is the intention to promise a long-term relationship with nice visits and for me to think he must really like me to suggest that future possibility - all crap of course. Its amazing how manipulative they can be ...

[Shiningexample]

Its amazing how manipulative they can be
yes, although I often wonder how much is a deliberately thought out strategy and how much is just the behavior which comes naturally to them

agree that identifying and analyzing these 'games' is very helpful

[ThinkingForever]

Yes agree Shiningexample, its impossible to say whether the manipulation is conscious or unconscious. Either way they're never called on it of course. Because at the time you're busy trying to work out are they complete manipulative arses OR the bees knees thinking maybe you're worthwhile so hence planning a future including you. I did suspect the former, but somewhere there was a tiny hope the latter could be truuuuuuuuue....