A friend and her husband split up a few years ago. He was a difficult man to live with: very fussy, negative, moody.
She had attempted to talk to him about their problems several times over the years, but he would never acknowledge her concerns and he just got defensive every time.
When she told him she wanted to separate, she couldn't see the point in going over all his faults again, only for him to deny it all again. She didn't see the point in wasting her energy. She knew him well enough that he would only argue his point all over again, and not acknowledge any responsibility for the state of their relationship.
So she simply told him that she didn't feel the same about him anymore, and she wanted to live on her own. And she left it at that. Well, it drove him mad. He didn't feel that wanting to live on her own was a good enough or real reason to give up on a marriage. He pushed and pushed, he became convinced she was seeing someone else (she want, and still isn't - she really did just wasn't to live on her own). Because he never acknowledged he might be difficult to live with, he couldn't get at all why she'd want to leave a marriage just to live in her own.
Anyway, I'm thinking back on this as I'm considering my own situation. My husband has passive aggressive, obsessive, perfectionist traits. And we don't have sex anymore either. I've tried many times to talk calmly and rationally with him, but he just stonewalls me. He becomes determined to argue his point of view and be proved right. Or he tries to shut down the conversation as fast as he can. It's utterly pointless trying to have a grown-up conversation with him.
I have many, many examples I could give him for leaving him, but it's pointless. He will minimise them all until he leaves me looking silly and petty with no good tangible reason for breaking up our 20-year marriage. I'm starting to think, even though my friend's husband took it so badly, that her method seems much easier and much less exhausting for me. "I don't feel the same way I used to; I think we've grown apart; etc." Cliched cop out?
Those of you who have done it already, how did you broach it? Were you totally honest about all your reasons, or did you take an easier route?
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Did you tell your partner all the reasons why you wanted to separate or did you fib for an easier split?
FranGoldsmith · 14/08/2016 10:23
All of your reasons are perfectly valid, he'd drive most people to distraction & on top of that, no sex??? 99% of people wouldn't put up with that. Just be honest & direct & most importantly decisive if you're going to do it. You should op. Good luck 
Not a cliched cop out, in fact it's the best, most grownup way to go about it.
You don't need your H's approval to leave the marriage, or even his agreement.
The stonewalling/not listening is because he thinks he has all the power. Well you can now disabuse him of that notion.
If you think about it your many valid reasons for ending the marriage boil down to
'I just don't feel the same about you any more and want to separate and live apart'
In fact I would file for divorce first then use the stuck record method. Keep repeating the above phrase and refuse to get drawn into any further discussions except those bout finances, property, dc. Even those can be just done via solicitor.
It's not the way I went about my split. But then I was in a really bad place and pleaded with him to see how shit things were for me. He was never gonna see it, somethings didn't realise until I later had counselling.
You sound in quite a good place to end it calmly and assertively. You have more than enough reasons. He's had enough chances to engage with you on this now it's time to move on.
Good luck
Thanks so much everyone for taking the time to share your thoughts and personal experiences.
I'd really like him to recognise how it is for me, living with him, but I know he won't. Handywoman, thanks for what you said - it's confirmed that there isn't any point in trying to get him to acknowledge anything from my point of view.
Oh and I already did the letter a year ago 
He went through it point by point and minimised every single one. I was left feeling silly and like I had kicked up an emotional fuss over nothing. It was weeks before I realised how clever he had been.
I think the most amicable method is the best approach, as you say Jeeve. He doesn't accept criticism at all well - in fact, he becomes intent on proving wrong whoever has slighted him to the point of obsession (that includes me, colleagues, managers, etc.) - so an easy exit is probably best for me.
I disagree he needs to see cause and effect. He isn't a child. He understands English. OP has raised concerns. He chose to ignore. Now is not the time to hope he will see the light. In fact will possibly go through life saying 'I don't know why my wife left me'.
Go for it, OP.
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