DH turns every argument around on me and I've had enough

[gummychops]

Posted on here a few weeks ago with similar issues. Feel like we have the same fight over & over.....
On holidays, in a nice restaurant, have just ordered & everything fine. DH wants to take photo of me & DS so he moves away from table to take shot. I'm holding baby (6mo) & he starts grabbing stuff on table. I'm also trying to get him to look at camera. I spot waiter on way with food so have to tell DH to hold on a minute (don't want to be rude & make waiter stand with plates in his hands) Of course when he puts food on table DS gets grabby again & I'm trying to move wine glasses, table mats, plates etc out of his reach. Look over at DH & he's throwing eyes up to heaven! He tries another shot & then comes back to table. It's obvious he's in a strop cos he's monosyllabic & sullen. I ask a few times is he ok, say sorry he couldn't get photo but it was really hard to control DS etc. I keep trying to chat but not getting anywhere, so eventually I ask why is he annoyed cos it's obvious he is.
Anyway he eventually blows & complains that he just wanted to take a photo. Why didn't I just move baby round to face me, or move my chair back?
Fair enough, that would have helped. But why is he so angry?? Why couldn't he have suggested either when he saw me struggling? Why come back to table in a mood, which would have continued all afternoon, & not just say "You should have moved your chair back, doh!"

He then accused me of looking "miserable" when he was trying to take the photo, & I was obviously in "a mood". Apparently that's why he was quiet when he came back, he could see I was in an argumentative mood & didn't want to set me off...?? He even showed me the photo to prove it! I was absolutely fine, perfectly happy. Just a bit frazzled trying not to end up with food/wine all over the floor, hence looking a bit distracted. He refused to accept that. So basically put all the blame on me. When I deny being in a bad mood, & say he was the one who started the whole thing by throwing his eyes up to heaven for no good reason he accuses me of being childish.

As per usual, he accuses me of "trying to start an argument."

I know this is a minor incident but it's typical of what happens. I got really mad with him, said I was sick of him getting angry for no reason, having a temper etc. He continued on that I was always determined to start an argument...

I can see that sometimes I'm like a dog with a bone, & it can be better to let things lie on some occasions. Maybe I shouldn't have kept probing to find out why he was stroppy, & should have just let him get over it. But I felt it was rude & mean of him, & totally uncalled for, to be angry/cranky with me. I hadn't deliberately messed up the photo. And then to be accused of being "miserable", which was totally untrue...

Then THIS really pissed me off. He accused me of getting lost on purpose a few days ago, just so I could blame him & cause an argument 😖 What the hell??!!

[gummychops]

I feel like he paints me as a moody, argumentative cow. But actually I very rarely get cranky with him, I always try to keep things on an even keel.
It's only when I can see he's pissed off about something, I tend to probe & try to find out why. Basically try to find out what I've done to annoy him. But in my mind, it's supposed to be constructive. If he doesn't tell me what's wrong how can we fix it/avoid that issue in future.

[BettyCrystal]

My husband is like this. It's really frustrating. "Why are you always like this?" "All of this started when you got up this morning". When, in actual fact, he started it over something so tiny, so stupid...
It always gets turned back to me, even though I'm a peace-loving person who doesn't argue with anyone else in my life. And I never know when it's going to blow up, or how to get back to normality once it does.
It's not rational. I walk away a lot. Borderline Personality Disorder.

[Canyouforgiveher]

I'm in a fairly forthright mood tonight so I'll say it ...

Neither of your relationships - Gummy or Betty - are going to survive long term. When you are in a decent loving relationship, the person is on your side, wants you to succeed, is willing to overlook stupid stuff and rejoice in the good.

Neither of you have that. You will be fairly miserable for a while and then it will end. And it will be more miserable. If I were you I would start strategising for a long term get out now.

I am married. He thinks I am great. I think he is great. Sometimes we fight but all of the time we think the other is the best thing ever/trying his or her best.

Life gets harder as your kids get older. If this low level "oh you're so stupid" shit is going on now, the later years are going to be horrible.

[NightWanderer]

It doesn't sound minor at all. It sounds really horrible

[ChopsticksandChilliCrab]

I think Canyou is right. The lack of respect, picking a fight, walking on eggshells, poor communication, lack of insight into a relationship in distress mean things are very poor.

If your DH wants to hang on to his marriage I suspect counselling for him and probably both of you to get to the bottom of his anger and frustration is in order. Things get tougher when more children and other issues get added to the mix. It shouldn't be so hard now.

[EttaJ]

canyouforgive I agree totally. It's not normal and it's not healthy. I couldn't put up with that nonsense.

[blueistheonlycolourwefeel]

My exH used to do this to me. Apparently, I was grabby, awkward, impossible to please, rubbish at most things, forgetful, arrogant.
It really wears you down after a while.
Turns out, I'm actually quite a nice person and now I'm not with him and constantly trying to keep things in an even keel to stop him criticising me for every little thing, much happier!!!

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

There's an expression I recently learnt on Mumsnet: "time thief". Gummy, your H has you well trained. All he has to do is an eye-roll and you spend the next couple of hours worried about why he's angry.

Not to mention "emotion thief". You were having a lovely time, when suddenly he decided how the rest of the meal (at least) was going to be.

When I read your example I was saying "yes, you shouldn't have kept at it", but not because you're fundamentally flawed - you're caring and kind (you were even courteous of the waiter"s time!), so naturally you want to keep things smooth - but because you were playing right into DH's grand scheme of ruining the meal.

I agree with PPs: this is only going to get worse.

[Penfold007]

Canyou is spot on. Stop enabling the behaviour and don't keep asking why he is in a mood. Long term it doesn't look good.

[neonrainbow]

My ex was like this. I left him in the end. My dh is amazing now no stupid mind games.

[pallasathena]

Best to ignore him when he's in his prima donna mode. I've noticed that when you don't give the other person's moods and negativity any oxygen and remain determined to break the behaviour before they try and break you - which is what it's about really - you can end up having a bit of cheeky fun with the situation.
The challenge is to breezily ignore every bit of entitled and judgey behaviour they throw at you. Ignore or tune out every attention seeking ego driven shriek for attention and validation and never, ever, ever, apologise. That way lies madness.
Its very empowering once you've tried it and you can tweak the approach further to just getting up and leaving, just walk out of the restaurant, bar, whatever and make your way home. Never complain and never explain. If he doesn't get it then I'd start looking for a new partner. But he probably will because your silence holds up a clear mirror not the distorted reflection he's habitually seeing.

[Ememem84]

Dh did this to me the other day. Apparently I woke up in a mood and took it out on everyone him

I woke up with plans of doing things after work. At lunch Dh rang to moan about something. I was busy so wasn't very sympathetic. Plus I was at work.

After work I'd planned to do food shop and gym. Get home and Dh "reminds" me that were out for dinner. It's not on the calender. No mention of it earlier. Pointed out that to remind someone of something you have to first tell them.

But it's my fault. Because I forgot. Gah.

[shandybass]

Hi Canyou and Betsy. I wrote almost an identical post 3 years ago and as other posters have predicted it has got a lot worse to the point I am looking to leave. We did try counselling but the lack of respect and communication issues had gone too far. My dh always turns if round to blame me, gives me the silent, moody treatment and then when I try and talk it through and get frustrated due to his lack of communication or wish to reflect/ improve its always my fault for being a moany, nag that can't keep a lid on her emotions.
It's horrible.
Pallasthena has a good strategy. It's one I'm using, subconsciously now, but for me it's more s way of survival and I'm not expecting any changes from it. Dh has become more desperate that I'm no longer getting mad at him and it has put him on the back foot but I've lost the love and respect so I can't see a future. Don't let it continue, but recognise as others have said its not trivial.

[Naicehamshop]

God - recognise this type of behaviour. It's all about control. He wants to jerk your strings and make you behave in the way HE wants you to behave.

The only thing to do is - as another poster has said - ignore, ignore, ignore. Don't give him the satisfaction of a response. Still - a pretty horrible way to live.

[WilliamScottsOrange]

The eye rolling signals huge lack of respect for you.

[ravenmum]

All he has to do is an eye-roll and you spend the next couple of hours worried about why he's angry.
Yup. Eye-rolls are also an effective way to get YOU coming up with an explanation ("I must be such a bitch"), without him having to find anything to accuse you of.

[siapo]

gummy, I so remember your thread about his assignment deadline.

You're both still at it, he's a stroppy sod, and you never let things drop.

You really, really need help. Both of you, because you're going to drive each other mad.

[gummychops]

Thanks for all u your replies. Siapo, yep that was me! I agree, I am prone to not letting something drop. As in, when he's obviously pissed off at me & I don't see the reason why, I find it hard to just ignore his unreasonable, snotty behaviour. I'm naturally very chatty so when he's in a mood & unresponsive it's very hard to just sit in silence.
I have suggested counselling for our communication issues numerous times but he's just not up for it. After yesterday's tiff, I told him I couldn't take it anymore & said we maybe needed a break. We can't just keep having the same fights over & over. He did the usual of, if that's what you want, putting it back on me. In fairness he did also attempt to say can we not just forget about it. Of course I can just forget about this one little tiff! It's the fact that I KNOW something similar will happen in a few weeks... I want it to stop!

[Nothavingfunrightnow]

I am afraid to say that I had the same with my exH. It was exhausting. I spent years trying to work out what I was doing wrong and how to keep the marriage happy and plain sailing.

Now that I am no longer with him, it is clear that it was him. Not me. This constant walking on egg shells, trying to work out what I'd done wrong, trying to keep upbeat to keep his mood bouyant. I was never allowed to feel down in the dumps or tired or just plain fucked off about something. It was always his mood that took precedence. Fuck that for a laugh.

Apologies for hijacking your thread. I hope you find the strength to get sorted somehow.

[deste]

I would not apologise or ask him what's wrong. Ignore.

[SickInBedOnTwoChairs]

Agree with others. This is not minor at all. It is as major and fundamental as it can get. Your DH does not have your back end of. He is not even your friend. LTB.

[ravenmum]

You can't ignore someone who's sulking when it is just you and them sitting at a table together.

You're not "not letting something drop"; you are trying to bring something up, and he is refusing to let you. At the same time, he isn't dropping whatever problem he has; he is sulking about it. Just because he is not talking and you are, that doesn't mean that you are the one creating the bad atmosphere.

All his silence means is that you can't accuse him of anything specific, as his behaviour is all dirty looks and silences.

Suggest counselling one more time, and if he refuses then you can say "Well if that's what you want". But in the end, when they refuse to take any responsibility for the situation, you just have to accept that their reality and your reality are different. It is enough to make your blood boil, but after you've stepped away, gradually it bothers you less and less.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Joint counselling is a non starter here; such entitled men do not think they are doing anything wrong in the first place. This is about wanting power and control over the other person which is what abuse is all about, its not about a lack of communication or misunderstandings. Also such behaviour is deeply ingrained and likely learnt from either one or both parents. A short series of counselling sessions is not going to cut it.

Infact your H gummy does not want counselling; no surprise there.

I would seriously be considering your own future within this relationship, what do you want to teach your children about relationships for instance. Surely not this. Its a continuous cycle.

[FranGoldsmith]

I was never allowed to feel down in the dumps or tired or just plain fucked off about something

Oh this sounds very familiar. If I'm a bit quiet/not very chatty, I get: "What's with the face?" or " What's with the mood?"

The "what's with..." questions instantly get my back up and inevitably I say "Nothing is up with my mood! I'm just not feeling very chatty!" - always defensive and annoyed that he's accused me of being in a mood when there's nothing bloody wrong.

I need a better response.

[gummychops]

We got home late last night after minimal conversation between us on journey. Just the basic necessities re luggage, taxi etc. I put DS to bed & said I was going too. He slept on sofa.
He has taken DS for a walk now, to let me sleep. Just sent him this text :

"DH. I don't want to talk again about what happened. I want to tell you something.

I love u & you are such a good Daddy. I don't want our relationship to end. There is a lot of good that I don't want to lose.

I don't think you are completely the one at fault. But I don't think I am either.
We both do things that annoy each other & that's only natural. If we love each other we need to be able to communicate & I know we're not managing that very well.

If I can tell you're annoyed about something & you're gone all quiet, I want to know what's wrong. I am not trying to start an argument by asking my husband, who's obviously pissed off, what is wrong. I find it hard to just sit there in more or less silence. It's not fair to then turn it round on me & say I was in a mood to begin with. That was completely untrue. I was perfectly happy until that point, after a lovely day.


I'm so hurt & incredulous that u think I took a wrong turn out of the house deliberately the other day, just to start an argument. How can u think that of me?? It wasn't much of an argument to start - I was mad for about a minute & then joking about it. It's horrible to be accused of something so nasty. I am not a nasty person. Everything u say to me makes me feel like a bad person but I know I'm not.

I can't understand how u have such a low opinion of me. I can't understand why u would think I want arguments to happen. I hate conflict & confrontation, I've told u that a million times.


Where do we go from here?"