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Abusive dp bad mouthing me to people

(22 Posts)
Smearcampaign Thu 11-Aug-16 06:07:04

I was in an abusive relationship with a man who was very covert at administering emotional abuse...it mainly consisted of neglect (simply thought he was a bit inconsiderate) taking away my privacy (just assumed he was a blabbermouth) and undermining my self confidence eg telling me he'd spent a lot of money on previous girlfriends without acting the same way to me and similar things (just thought he was tactless) I am not sure this abuse was intentional but connected more to.the fact he was very self absorbed and could therefore be thoughtless to other people's feelings however the end result for me was the same.
The physical abuse can't be excused the same way of course.
Recently I found out he had been badmouthing me to his friends and a member of his family and that this had been going on for sometime. Eg from over sharing about arguments but leaving out the real cause or bending it, making me look like the baddy or unreasonable to downright lies suggesting I was unhinged.
I know this is textbook but my question is to anyone who has been on the receiving end of one of these smear campaigns how do you get over the anger of being lied about? How do you detach from it and quell the urge to contact the people you've been lied about to and tell them the truth (this isn't an option they are his friends and family and he has done such a job on me they all think I'm insane). I haven't been lied about since junior school and aside from the shock of encountering it in the adult world I think there is something about being lied about that hits a certain part of the phyche making it hard to stomach and I'm having trouble detaching from the unfairness of it. Especially as the people he lied to are still spreading the rumours.
I know it's part of some script that physical abusers use to preempt their victim talking and being believed but to experience it first hand...I can't let it go. How do you turn off to it stop wanting to sue for slander (impossible it seems) and consign the unfairness to the bin?

AnyFucker Thu 11-Aug-16 06:20:01

Are you still with him ?

Morasssassafras Thu 11-Aug-16 06:29:24

I don't know my xp has conducted a smear campaign against me as I'm no contact with anyone who has any connection to him at all. From everything I now know about him I think it's very likely though as obviously it must have been me that was wrong/insane/menopausal as he's quite obviously perfect and I'm the liar for saying he's abusive and leaving him.

The way I've dealt with it is to realise that I would only care about the opinions of 2 of the many people he will have told, and I believe that they would both know me well enough to not believe his stories. If they don't know me well enough to know I would never behave that way then I don't care about what they think. I know it would be easier for them to play along with his story though as otherwise they may make themself a target.

I'm in the fortunate position to be able to stay nc forever so I'll never know if I'm right or not but it helps me to have faith in their natures.

As for the rest of our friends they are flying monkeys and will realise who he is sooner or later and then will wonder if anything he ever said was true.

Smearcampaign Thu 11-Aug-16 06:43:46

Thank you Morasssassafras. I'm trying to take the higher ground but it's so difficult. Instead of just being happy with attacking my body he''s attacked my good name too.

I forgot to say I posted with a name change because I previously asked for advice on here after the worst dv attack which now involves legal system and I have to be careful.

RedMapleLeaf Thu 11-Aug-16 07:01:54

Are you still with him?

Smearcampaign Thu 11-Aug-16 07:16:35

Not together as a couple. He has said he will sort out the slander, confess to it all because he feels baf. That's not going to happen is it? If his nature was to bend the truth and lie on so many occasions for such a long time and it seems he was that way for a very long time before me and with his ex too, he's unlikely to suddenly come clean now. I also feel he isn't brave enough even if he wanted to. I might as well be waiting to win the lottery.

LovesPeace Thu 11-Aug-16 07:22:41

People generally can spot a liar/fantasist at 50 paces. His family and friends will know the truth already. They might not say so, or do anything about it, but they know.

Move onwards and upwards, OP.

Smearcampaign Thu 11-Aug-16 07:33:18

I think his family possibly know in their hearts all that he says isn't what it seems but it's easier to victim blame me than think their son is an abusive liar.
His friends believe him or at least chose to pretend they did for their own agenda (esp one female friend) and have spread his lies making them worse. I'm concerned about letting the lies so uncorrected. There is the no smoke without fire attitude, people aren't used to others lying about their dp (much of the lies took place while we were still together) so will assume lies have basis. No one knows what the future holds. What if in the future I meet someone who is a friend of one of his cronie's.
The only person who knows the real him is his ex wife .. how I wish I could meet that woman!

Cary2012 Thu 11-Aug-16 07:43:55

They all sound as bad as each other. Distance yourself. As LovesPeace said, people who are worth anything will have him sussed. Try and move on with your life, meet new people who will see you as you are. You can't change these people, and they'e really not worth the effort. You need to show him that you don't care. They are the past now, so let it all go and build a brighter future.

Smearcampaign Thu 11-Aug-16 07:45:46

Thanks cary. That is good advice. I am wondering though whether I should email the people concerned and ask them to stop the slander, that it is all lies. To date I have made no effort to be heard.

Cary2012 Thu 11-Aug-16 07:52:01

I wouldn't waste the time and energy, why engage with them? It's what they want, a reaction. They probably know they're spreading a load of malicious rubbish. Forget them, hold your head up high lovely, you'll be fine. You're so much better than them. Don't dignify their crap with a response.

PuellaEstCornelia Thu 11-Aug-16 07:57:20

I would tend to go along the ignore, ignore ignore line. If anyone says anything, shrug and 'Well he would say that, wouldn't he?' Most people probably don't care and those that do are probably invested in him (like his family) or so into the drama (like this female friend) they'd probably believe you eat baby rabbits raw if it fits into their version.

Isetan Thu 11-Aug-16 08:15:34

All you can do is detach from it, the goal of him spreading lies is to get to you. God knows what bullshit Ex has been spreading about me but I can probably guess it paints him as the victim. Ex's mother is in as much denial as her son (apparently a custodial sentence makes no difference) and isn't interested in hearing the truth, which is her prerogative but I have made it very clear that I'm not interested in hearing the lies and that my goodwill towards her has its limits. As for Ex and the rest of his family, I don't give a damn. I know what happened and there's enough of a paper trail that DD will know when she's older and that's all that matters.

Detachment is the only way to go, that benefits you and not him.

RedMapleLeaf Thu 11-Aug-16 08:21:55

You don't sound very separated from him confused

TheNaze73 Thu 11-Aug-16 08:31:27

You sound attached to him still OP. Maybe just the way you're phrasing things?? Ignore all the way

pallasathena Thu 11-Aug-16 08:31:35

People like this usually have a butterfly mentality. They can't work out fact from opinion, they love to gossip and generally speaking, live their lives through gossiping about other people. Nothing you can do about it except laugh at them and pity them. Anyone who listens to their nonsense isn't worth the time of day.

Smearcampaign Thu 11-Aug-16 08:57:21

Cary you're right..I'll hold on tight and try and stay dignified. Victim support warned me about victim blaming and told me they had seen it all before. They said it could get tough.
I still have almost I irrepressible urge to contact his ex wife because I feel so alone and she's the only other person this had happened to and who could empathise. I know I can't do that it would be invasive and selfish. She might welcome the chance to share and offload but it's not my place to assume that.

RedMapleLeaf Thu 11-Aug-16 09:03:00

How long were you going out and when did you split up?

redisthenewblack Thu 11-Aug-16 11:52:55

My ex has done/is doing this same thing to me. He was emotionally and physically abusive throughout our marriage. He controlled every aspect of my life, from who I saw, where I went, right down to what I wore and what music I listened to.
He was very good at the subtle abuse. He'd be the most amazing partner/father in front of people but behind closed doors was a different matter.

I reached the end of my tether when our twins were 3 months old. I was suffering from PND and he told me it was my own fault as I didn't go out and didn't have any friends (who's fault was that?) So I made more effort to get back in touch with old friends and arranged a night out. I got home and he beat me for going out.

I asked him to leave and he did. But told everyone he had left me as I was a serial cheat.

He posted all manner of accusations on Facebook. I lost a lot of so-called friends over his lies. It upset me massively.

He told people I was on medication as I'm 'mental'. He told people I'd had an emotional breakdown because I missed him so much. He called social services and told them I self harm in front of the children, that I'm a cocaine user and take it while the children are in the house, that I'm an alcoholic and I regularly drink drive with the children in the car. He even went as far as to say he would only sign the divorce papers if I stated in them that I had cheated!

It's taken me a long time to realise that what he's been saying and doing was just another way to try to control my life when he realiased he had no hold over me any more. I also no longer give a flying fuck care what the people who believe him think of me.

I have a very close set of friends and a very supportive family who know the whole story. If people want to believe his ridiculous stories and accusations then they're not people I want in my life and their opinion matters not one iota.

I have been tempted in moments of anger to get in touch with these 'friends' I lost and explain what's actually gone on. But I pulled myself round and decided that my dignity was worth more than the waste of time that would actually be.

It takes time OP and it is very very hard. If you're in a position where you can go NC with him I would absolutely suggest you do that. I don't have that luxury unfortunately.

I recommend a book called 'Why Does He Do That' which will help you to understand why he does and says these things.

Good luck.

Hissy Thu 11-Aug-16 16:53:22

Apparently I was in a mental institution for FIVE years...

Ignore them. If "friends" choose to believe him over you, let them. They are not friends at all and actually, it helps sort the wheat from the chaff

I know this seems so important , but really it isn't. It genuinely doesn't matter what others think of you, only you and your dc if any are of any importance.

Just block, delete from existence and move on. It may feel hard and fake to do at the beginning, but it is the right thing to do and will feel easier each time you do it.

The space you create by getting rid of frenemies will be taken up by the true friends, and the good new ones.

Smearcampaign Thu 11-Aug-16 16:59:28

Thenaze73, more a case of being a doormat and making excuses for other people I think and I do wonder if this was why he thought he could get away with it.
Redisthenewblack, I'm sorry this has happened to you too...the problem is that smear campaigns / slander designed to portray the victim as the bad one, mean it's harder to heal from abuse especially physical, because it lumbers a load of injustice on top of the abuse. The johnny Depp dv articles and comments on that case in the daily fail are making my blood boil. Why do people tend to lean towards victim blaming how the he'll do
they feel qualfied to know what's gone on behind closed doors...I feel this attitude seems wide spread...ignorant.

TimeforaNNChange Thu 11-Aug-16 17:02:06

It's hard. It gets easier with time. And, if you live in a community where those he has slagged you off to still know about you day to day then there is nothing better than the phrase "the best revenge is to lead a happy life". They'll see you getting on with your life without him and at may at least begin to doubt the picture he has painted of you.

My parents believed my ex. By the time they found out "some" of the truth, it was too late for a reconciliation between me and them. They still don't know everything and, I'm sure, believe his accounts of our life together.

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