Am I right? Newbie

[Muchachadeldiva]

Hi, new member and first post so here goes. Yesterday I had a blazing row with DM. Since DD was born I feel I've had to keep on at her, because she doesn't respect the way we're trying to bring up DD. I have to keep on at her for little things and I find that exhausting. I don't like doing it but if I leave DD with DM and specify a nap time, knowing DD takes her naps no problem ago home, I'll go to collect her later on to find her worked up and overtired, and the excuse is "she was enjoying herself/she didn't want to go to sleep" It's just been constant for the last year and I do feel like I'm constantly on at her, but it's because she goes off and does her own thing because as she puts it"I've brought up kids my whole life"

So months ago, she started talking about a swing for the garden she had seen in asda that she wanted to buy for DD1st birthday. I told her there and then under no circumstances was she to get that-the back garden is an absolute disaster zone as we haven't long moved, the garden is also on a slope,meaning I'm not comfortable using any equipment like that. It's a new build estate, and there are 2 small swing parks walking distance from the house, one is at the end of the street. I explained all this to her.

So yesterday, a week before DD birthday my nan, who DM takes shopping to asda once a week because she has sciatica and can't go shopping or carry items, asked me "where are you going to put the swing?" To which I obviously replied "what swing?" And I turned to DM and said "I specifically said NOT no buy swings or chutes, or anything else for the garden we will do that in our own time" and the excuse she gave me was that "it wasn't me it was your nan"

I was so so so angry for two reasons, 1-she was letting my nan take the blame as she had bought the swing 2-it was my
DM who took her shopping, would have carried the swing out to the car, etc knowing full well I had asked her not to get a swing. And she was throwing my nan under the bus for it!

So we had a row in which I said i was so angry because she had no respect for me as a parent. I'm a SAHM and I've never asked them for help, or to take DD overnight etc, despite my DH working offshore and being on my own for months. Yet she still feels she has the right to make decisions for DD

So in the end DM, after raising her voice and starting a screaming match in front of DD (Somethjbg she did with my dad throughout our childhood and something I NEVER wanted DD to experience)she gets upset and starts crying, saying I'm "too moany" and the swing isn't for me, it's for DD,and even going so far as to bring out a measuring tape to justify the size as its only small and basically going on and on about how I'm making everyone feel bad for trying to get DD a present, saying they didn't know what else to get a 1 year old

So I ended up apologising just to get her to stop crying. But deep down I'm still angry with her and feel I just can't trust her. She Wants to be involved in DD life and that's lovely, but we waited a long time to have children until we were financially secure and could afford for me to be SAHM for a few years, and I feel like she's not letting us get on with our life and bringing up our kids (currently 37wks pg). She's always going on about other people we know and how they have their grandchildren X times a week etc etc. She does visit once a week and I take DD to her once a week, but never overnight so far.

I feel like she's entirely missing my point,if we as DDs parents say no, she needs to respect that and not undermine us by going ahead and doing what she pleases anyway. What will happen when DD is older? Oh mum and dad won't buy it for me,so ill ask my nan and she will get it? That's not how I Want DD to grow up, I'm aware it's very easy to spoil children but I want to teach DD to appreciate what she has and not to just always expect more, and I can just seeDM getting in the way of that, if this is the attitude she's taking already. (She also doesn't understand why I haven't talken DD to McDonald's yet as all kids love it, or why I don't give her ice cream and sweets)

It's gotten to the point I just feel I want to move away!! Maybe it's the hormone though.

Was I wrong to argue with her over this? I can't stop thinking about it as I feel guilty for making her cry!

[Muchachadeldiva]

Sorry just needed a rant.... Any feedback would be appreciated though

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Am not surprised at all you want to move away. And its not your hormones either.

She had a screaming match in front of your child; this is history repeating itself here isn't it. You mention that she did the same to you in your own childhood.

Is your dad still in your life; I only ask as you make only a brief reference to him.

I would argue that your mother was not a good parent to you and she is not going to be a nice and kindly grandmother figure to your child either. She does not want to be involved in her life in the ways you think she does. This is clear by her actions towards you. She is already trying to undermine your own authority as a parent and that is simply not allowed. She will use your child to get back at you given any opportunity and undermine your own parenting skills.

No you were not wrong and your mother's tears were manipulative and designed to get her own way. Your only mistake here in that respect was to apologise to her (for a situation that she herself caused). Do not pander to her further now and let her have her own way.

I would raise your own boundaries a lot higher when it comes to your mother and at the very least never leave your child overnight with her. There's a boundary you can stick to together with cutting back the overall number of visits to her house. Present a united front and do not let your mother at all undermine your authority as parents; you have the final say here.

I would also suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as all this from your mother is all about wanting power and control.

[hellsbellsmelons]

No you weren't.
You needed her to know that ignoring you and disrespecting you as a parent is NOT OK.
Well done.
But.... you can just take the swing back to Asda.
There is nothing stopping you from doing that.
Get something else with the money in Asda that DD does want or need.
Don't even tell your DM just do it.
You bring up your DD up the way you want to.
Let your DM have normal Nan time with DD, but that does not mean overnights.

[Muchachadeldiva]

AttilaTheMeerkat My dad is still in my life and visits with DM. He keeps out of most things for a quiet life, growing up there was a lot of fighting at home, and as the eldest I was usually the one to stop my you get sister crying/get them to break up the argument. It's Somethjbg my sister and I talk about, how she feels emotionally damaged because of some of the timings we saw/overheard. Don't get me wrong, we were loved and never went without as children, but from my time in high school onwards there was a change in DM and I don't think she's emotionally stable, I moved out at 18 due to her constant bullying. She can't see that she did any wrong in bringing us up, and usually asks why other people praise their DM on Facebook but I don't selective memory but that's besides the point.

She adores DD, but she loves children as children - playing with them and singing songs etc, when it comes to "parenting" and guidance she's not the person I'll be emulating, there's a whole host of reasons why, and although she does mean well there's so much I don't agree with when it comes to how we were brought up.

It's good to know I was not just being OTT! I'll definately give that book a read (and maybe leave lying around one day when she comes to visit )

I'm assuming you've had a similar Experience with your DM or MIL?

DH works away, told him about it last night and he's very supportive. He's never been shy about putting DM in place, mostly because he sees how the siblings and I tiptoe around her! It's just hard when he's not here to support me. I'm 37wks again, so not the time to be getting worked up. I'm absolutely dreading labour because DM has repeatedly asked to watch DD and I said ok(she wanted to be in delivery room last time!) and I know I'll just be worrying about how she's getting on. As soon as DS is born though DH is getting sent to collect DD to meet her brother, just the 4 of us and NO one else. DM makes me feel like I'm being selfish and cutting her out, but as far as I see this is our family, seeing DC is a privilege and not a right. It's just going to be a long fight to get her to see that I think!