Trying to figure out my BIL

[fiddlefingers]

My DP moved countries to be with me and we have two children together. I am 15 years older than my dp but love him dearly.

My dp likes gaming. This hasn't been an issue. He doesn't game before the kids go to bed and I usually just join in. Our relationship, whilst we have had our ups and downs, has been solid. Until his brother came back on the scene.

There is a massive back story to the argument that resulted in my dp cutting off his entire family, including his brother, which would be over 6 years at this stage. It has only been in the past 2 years that he has been in touch with his younger brother. I don't feel that this is relevent to the situation however. Now for the problem:

My bil will text my dp when he isn't online asking if he is going to be online. If my bil is online, we presume, he is out having fun. This in itself shouldn't be a problem but my bil seems to get out very rarely. My dp has said we are watching X film. My bil follows up with a stream of texts asking what is it about, is it any good, etc and this will continue until my dp just ignores him.

When I am speaking my bil will constantly interrupt me and talk over me. I have been trying to explain this to my dp but it is only recently that he has actually started to noticed this.

My bil always has to be in front, be in the lead, take charge, act as if he knows everything (when he so obviously doesn't). I just usually roll my eyes and have a quick moan about it later to my dp.

My bil is very quick to get in with his very subtle attacks which leave me thinking wtaf. Just one example, we were meant to start a part of a game but bil needed to get a beer, have a pee so I left my character sleeping on the side whilst waiting (I was browsing outfits for my own character). I was ready to start his story as soon as he came back. When he came back he made a rather loud 'are you ready fiddlefingers' announcement before proceeding to the next story. MY dp did agree that this was rude but didn't actually pull him up on it.

I HATE HATE HATE the comments that my bil has made about his ex girlfirend. She is fat. She is a cunt. She is crazy.It sends alarm bells ringing that he is so mysogonistic about her. Also, when he didnt' have a current shag lined up there were plenty of comments about strippers in the ingame bar, hot characters only being female etc. Just sad, pathetic things that you would expect from a teenage boy and not a grown man in his late twenties.

When he was visiting I had to have the hot water on every morning so that he could wash his hair. He complained my house was too cold (he has his central heating on in May). He drank the entire time he was there. He spoke his own language in front of me when he wanted to have a 'private/secret' conversation with my dp.

He has invited himself over for Xmas and I'm already dreading it. I'm thinking of illlnesses already. I have had fights with my dp over him. Now, he does adore my children. He is absolutely brilliant with them when he is here. My DP and him get on very well. My DP says he does actually like me. I am torn because I know my bil loves my dp/dc unconditionally. I just don't know where my own insecurites lie (I have my own toxic parent story) and where my own problem with him begins. My dp says that my bil doesnt actually realise that he is being rude. I am not so sure.

[Drowzeee]

I don't think you need to figure him out, I think you need to ignore him. Ignorant twat that he is.

[fiddlefingers]

Oh God. How the hell am I going to get through Xmas with this 'ignorant twat'. Or what kind of illness can I come up with that will last a few months :(

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Your DP has to agree to be a human shield. He tells his brother off whenever he is out of order, so you don't have to. Your DP agrees to only speak in English in front of you. Tell DP this and say the visit is not possible otherwise.

BIL obviously has serious rudeness issues combined with misogyny so you've got to make sure your DC see their father taking a stand against it. Any other behaviour teaches them it is OK for people to treat each other that way.

[fiddlefingers]

Thank you RunRabbit. I will start off with that. I cannot in any way shape or form tell my dp that he cannot have contact with his brother but I do need to set boundaries for myself and more importantly, my children. If I word it around what it is best for our children then I think I can get my point across more effectively.

[MatildaTheCat]

I think that your first boundary should be changing the Christmas plan. You don't want him there is enough reason. Perhaps frame it so that he comes shortly afterwards or similar? Maybe join you the week before so you can visit Santa with kids etc? Then explain that you have realised that you need to keep the actual Christmas days free due to X,y or z.

Your dh does need to step up and pull him up on his comments but perhaps you all need to look at some other hobbies as well? Or can you set your games so he can't see you are online? I don't get gaming at all but do get self imposed visitors and am quite an expert there.