Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
So Confused!(9 Posts)
Omg ive just previewed this one and im sorry it is so long!! Thats how complicated my situation is right now. Im just so lost and hurt, i dont know what to do
Last year i split with my ex of 8 years after domestic violence. Have a restraining order against him and haven't seen or spoke to him since then! Nor do i have any desire to. I have a toddler with him and he has made no effort to arrange contact.
I changed my jobs as this was all going on. I met a great group of people on my training and ended up car sharing with one of the girls. I am Bisexual but i was never interested in her like that. She is 5 years younger than me and very confident and good looking. We became best friends. We just clicked.
5 months into car sharing and she started flirting and when we worked in the same area she would stroke my hair and ask for shoulder massages. I found myself suddenly attracted to her and ended up telling her. Surprisingly she said she felt the same and wanted to see what happened. We wanted to keep it between us as we didn't want anyone in work knowing (big time gossiping!). She was the one to tell 2 of our closest work friends.
Then a girl she had been seeing before me came back in the picture and declared her love to her. We had spoken about her before when we were just friends and i knew she was keen on her but it had ended as the other girl said she didnt feel she could trust her as she always got a lot of attention. I found myself watching them texting all the time and ended what we had going and told her she needed to see what happened with the other girl. It lasted 4 weeks.....during this time i was talking to someone else and when she found out she would make remarks and start arguments about it like she was jealous. Always trying to get me to break off contact. When she finished with this other girl i stopped talking to my new interest
Now we were back to spending all our time together. Every day we worked together and she would come to mine after work. She spent a lot of time with my daughter and would suggest day trips for us all the time. Even though we spent so much time together we never fought. But she was adamant she didn't want to be in a relationship.
People at work saw how close we were and would comment that we were like a married couple and we should be together/date each other. Her dad (he didn't know the situation, just that we were best friends) would tell her she should think about giving it a shot with me as we were so close and clearly connected. She used to go on about it all the time and laugh. It was always her who mentioned the comments from work colleagues or her dad
We started to argue about it because i wanted to be more official and i ended up ending it all and tried to cut all contact. She cried on the phone and cried in person when we met up to talk which is completely unlike her. Shes very closed off when it comes to her feelings due to her past (she confided in me about that). She begged me not to walk out of her life as i was the only person she has ever trusted in so much. She said she needed time and she wanted to make it go with me
The next week was horrendous. She was just so moody with me and was clearly making no effort at all. She had joined a local football team and started spending all her time with her other friends that played with them. She would arrange to go out with me and then ignore me all day before i would see on facebook that she had been out with them instead. She couldn't understand why i was so upset about it and called me possessive and a stalker. I tried to explain it was the fact she kept ditching me and ignoring me. I told her she clearly didn't want to be with me and so i would let her have her single life and give it ago with the other girl i had blown off a few months earlier
She said that she had always told me to and thought that was a good idea and it would be good for me. A week later we went out for something to eat and she was acting strange and had this smug look on her face. A look she would have when she was winding me up. She made a comment about biding her time and when i told her to explain she came out with it that she had kissed one of her footy mates and was going to give it a go with her.
I cut all contact at this point. Told her i couldn't deal with it. My heart felt like it had been ripped out. We ended up texting each other some nasty things and stopped talking. I was on leave at work so didn't have to see her. One of our work friends informed me she had changed her status on facebook to being in a relationship with this other girl who she had always told me was never an issue and was only ever a friend. It hurt so much.
Then i went back to work. I felt ill having to see her again and she completely blanked me all day. I was talking to a mutual friend in the staff room and she pulled her headphones out and made some comment about us not stopping talking about her on her accord. She then told me never to speak to her again and stormed out. People at work obviously noticed the distance between us and asked questions and couldn't understand. They said it was obvious we both had feelings for each other.
The next day she came up to me before work and said she didn't want to fight anymore. She said she was sorry for everything she said and sorry she hurt me so much. She wanted to be my friend again but understood that it would take me time. She kept going on about her being my gay best friend and that she was mine but she said the past was the past.
Im just so confused with everything right now and i don't know what she wants. Its like shes playing a massive game. While she was becoming involved with her new girlfriend she was whispering naughty things to me at work and sending me risky pictures! I didn't have a clue. She said this wasn't her cheating as they weren't official. During the big argument she said she could see herself being happy with the new girl as she can see herself falling for her! I thought this was a strange comment. Some people are telling me shes playing me and doesn't care about me while some are saying its obvious she cares and cant be honest with herself and she got with her because i was getting with someone (i didn't in the end).
I just feel so jealous and hurt. I don't know if its because im lonely? Its just me and my little girl. My other friends are all parents and have their family lifes. She is younger and still lives with her parents. Never had any responsibility and can do what she wants when she wants. I cant stop thinking about her. She is off work today and told me she was just going to relax at home but she put a picture up on snapchat of her out with her gf. I don't get why she isn't honest and i feel so sick when i know shes with her. I text her this morning while i was in work and she hasn't replied all day. Yet whenever she was with me she would still reply to all of her mates.
I have never felt like this about anyone before. I am so comfortable with her. I cant talk to her about absolutely anything and she can with me as well. She was attacked a few years ago and this is one of the reasons shes so closed off and she doesn't really like being touched. She only opens herself up to intimacy when shes had something to drink but a few days before she started going off with her football friends she trusted me when she was sober. I took that as being something very special! She even told me herself that was a big thing for her and she never did that with anyone.
If you have read all the above then i am so grateful. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm being pulled in both directions with peoples advice. Last week was horrendous not having her to talk to. I missed my best friend so much. But then i cant deal with her being with someone else. I just have it in my head that they are going to be together a long time. Am i a fool?
Run. She's messing with your head because she knows she can. She knows that all she has to do is show you a bit of attention and she'll have you hanging around and tying yourself up in knots like you are.
Block and delete her phone number, block her on Facebook. If she try's to talk to you at work, tell her you want to keep things professional. If someone else try's to talk about her, tell them her/your private life is not up for discussion.
if she wanted to be with you, she would be. She's just fucking with your head because she can . Things will probably escalate for a bit and she becomes desperate to get your attention but stay strong.
I am bi myself and this girl is messing with ya!
In the long haul it might end up bad for you.
I was in a relationship like this during my first year at uni, its toxic. It sounds like your relationship was really intense and the way she broke it to you about her new gf was heartless. Sorry but what a bitch. You sounded like you had a good thing going then she dumps you for someone she bearly knows and gloats.
You don't need this!
Let her mess with her own life not urs.
Your so right. I know your right. Last week I did it all. Blocked on everything and deleted her number. I had no way of communicating with her unless I unblocked her. She refused to block me back because she 'wasn't childish'. Some days I felt good about it and some days I just thought about her all day and wished she would message me. On one occasion she sent me a whatsapp from a different number asking me what day we went shopping the week before because she couldn't find a receipt for something. Clearly an excuse to let me know she was still there and start convo. I called her out on it and she snapped at me and said she wasn't talking to me now.
I just don't know how to be strong when I see her every single day at work. I just wish I could go back to feeling nothing for her.
Just feel isolated. Don't see my friends that often. Single parent so not much opportunitie to go out and meet new people. And my work hours are ridiculous and unsociable which doesn't help anything. She made me feel special and got me out the house
All I can think of is finding a new job but I love what I do and the people I work with are great
The question is never 'Why do they do this?' It's always 'Why do I let this continue'?
Block and avoid.
It sounds complicated and tough.
She is playing with your feelings and is probably getting a kick out of seeing that you still care. If a man treated you this way ( and I say this as a fellow bisexual) would you allow it ? Would you tolerate having someone you considered to be your boyfriend seeing other women, or another woman ?
She's not being nice. She may have had bad past experiences, but nearly everyone has had something happened to them in their lives that they and others would qualify as a bad experience. It's never an excuse to treat people badly. Perhaps it can be a mitigating factor to take into account why judging a specific act or behavior. But It cannot be used as a long term excuse.
The thing is you have to see her at work, so you need to figure out how you are going to cope with her behavior and not feed the fire. Is there any chance you could ask your N+1 to ensure that even for the shortest time, even for a week that you don't have to work directly with her ?
Take this opportunity to get your head down at work and get things done, don't make her part of your solution to the problems and hurt she is causing you.
Find a new project ( I'm currently dabbling in homemade cosmetics... doesn't take a lot of stuff to make massage bars etc) and stick to it for a bit. Or go swimming at lunch time if you can, or find something to play on your phone or up your digital scrabble game.
You need distraction from her.
But things will get better. You just need to stop playing her game. And I know it's hard, and I know it's tough. But you can do it, you're raising a child on your own, which means that you can do pretty much anything.
Good luck and take care of yourself
I know it's hard but don't give up you job! You love it and you shouldn't have to, if you do its a win for her.
Hobbies are a great idea. Do you have other friends at work you can become more sociable with? I say maintains a civil front and be nice as nothing annoys people more. From past experience my ex went out with another woman just to provoke and upset me, it sounds like she is doing the same.
You are defiantly way better then her and though she made you feel special so will other people. Maybe you could join a sports team or a book club? Something like that just to distract you or a ply group with ur DC to get you out of the house. The busier you are the better, less time to dwell. I can totally understand this situation. Be strong
Thanks guys. She messaged me this evening asking how my day at work was. I think she had just got home. No mention of my text I sent this morning. She has this thing as well where she sends me Snapchat clips of songs she's playing. It's clear she's chosen certain lyrics and they always match our situation and she did that again tonight. I just ignored the though. She always says she never means anything and it's random lyrics but I've shown friends and they agree with me that she's choosing certainly lyrics. Oh and she also dropped in a comment about getting a new job in the next month or so. Like she was looking for a reaction. I didn't bite thought.
I've been looking at local football teams to join but the seasons about to start and most are all set up ready to go. Also she plays for hers and I don't want to risk playing each other. I'm not too good at much else. I'm in the countryside so not many options round here and also my work shifts range from starting at 4am to starting at 9pm.
I'm going to keep looking at my options work wise and see if I can find a hobby to keep me occupied. In the mean time I'm going to keep my distance to her and not let her see she has any control on my feelings
Well done for not biting.
Are there maybe any charities near by you could volunteer for? Although I don't think this counts as a hobby per se, volunteering is a good way to meet people and keep occupied as has a feel good factor as a bonus.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.