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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Thinking about being a lesbian, confused feelings

19 replies

Irememberwhen · 06/08/2016 17:23

Utterly cowardly name change, sorry.

So....

Thinking about a relationship with a woman. Entirely hypothetical. I am middle aged and have left an unhappy LTR. I had some unhappy experiences with men over the years. I have been thinking about feminism. Am I misunderstanding sexuality and myself to think I can chose.

I love the company of women. I dont fancy any one particular woman. But I do find women attractive. I absolutely do not fancy men anymore.

So, thinking of being open to a relationship with a woman (way in the future, not yet).

This sounds like a reaction to relationship breakdown but it's been on my mind for a while.

I got chatted up by a woman recently (I think) and I felt panicked. But I think I would have felt like that man or woman. But partly I panicked because people were watching and I didn't know how I felt. I think I wasn't very subtle in making my excuses. I felt bad afterwards.

Has anyone else made a change like this in their 40s? Does it sound like I have any clue what I'm talking about? I hope I haven't strayed into being offensive.

I would hate to mess around with anyone's beings while working out how feel. Can't imagine anyone being up for tolerating this confusion.

OP posts:

Report

PaintYourWagon155 · 06/08/2016 17:31

To be honest I don't think you can 'chose' to be a lesbian. Surely you are attracted to who you are attracted too. I find beautiful women attractive but I am only sexually attracted to mention. Therefore I couldn't chose to be in a physical relationship with a women.

PaintYourWagon155 · 06/08/2016 17:31

Men not mention !

PinkyPlumet · 06/08/2016 17:34

Ah so being gay is a choice! Got it.

Irememberwhen · 06/08/2016 17:39

I know I know. I knew the "choice" thing was an issue.
Maybe it's more about realising you feel differently at a late age. Maybe that's more the question. Is that odd?

OP posts:

rumred · 06/08/2016 17:42

No. Give it a try, life's too short. Just treat others as you would want to be treated yourself

Irememberwhen · 06/08/2016 17:44

"beings" in my OP was obviously "feelings"

OP posts:

FiveFullFathoms · 06/08/2016 17:47

Sexuality is not generally something you can choose, no. You either want to have sex with women or you don't. However, sexuality can change over time. I'm bi and went through a phase of almost exclusively fancying women. Now I find I'm more attracted to men than I used to be. It's fine if you find yourself more sexually attracted to women now.

However, you do need to work out how you feel before you start dating. I've been hurt in the past by straight women who turned out to be simply 'experimenting'. Be kind and honest to potential partners.

wombattoo · 06/08/2016 17:47

It's not great suggesting that being gay is a choice Iremember but just take it as it comes. I can appreciate a beautiful looking woman, but I wouldn't 'fancy'' her, as I am attracted to men. As rumred says, just treat others well and be honest.

CarlGrimesMissingEye · 06/08/2016 17:54

I can see how it would happen. I had some fun, enjoyable, experiences with women at uni, albeit not sex, but ultimately met a man, married and settled down. While I'm very happy I am still able to find some women attractive and, and this is important, feel that but of a thrill / urge to want more.

If what you are feeling is that men have let you down, I don't necessarily think that automatically means you should be looking for a relationship with women. But then, just because your recent LTR was with a man it doesn't mean you CAN'T be attracted to women.

Irememberwhen · 06/08/2016 17:55

Yes, I know suggesting being gay is a choice is wrong. I actually meant that I was questioning myself as I know that thinking is wrong. Sorry I should have tried harder with the OP. Yes, good advice about treating people well. that's why I wanted to think it through before anyone else is involved.

Also, not suggesting young people's feelings don't matter, but at 40+ I think the stakes of messing with someones emotions are higher if it's just experimenting.

OP posts:

Irememberwhen · 06/08/2016 18:42

Missed your post CarlGrimes. I have felt a very flirty thrill with someone (though this isn't about her). I'm just so "needy" after shit ending to long marriage I don't know if it's a reaction. And really its affection I'm drawn to. I probably need to work some of this out first.
Yes, I guess honesty, being kind and taking it as it comes is all I can do.

OP posts:

allowlsthinkalot · 06/08/2016 21:46

Have you read the "Turning Tavern" threads on mn? It isn't that unusual to come to terms with your true sexuality later in life or to find yourself experiencing same sex attraction for the first time, either because your sexuality has been fluid or because you have hidden your true feelings for a long time. The latter is true in my case.

Being gay isn't a choice. I have always been gay. But not acknowledged that even to myself at times.

Reiltin · 06/08/2016 21:59

I say go for it! I know plenty of people who have come out later in life. There's definitely no harm in exploring the possibility. Don't be turned off by having panicked previously - also not unusual! Are there any local gay meet-Ups for women, maybe something less challenging than than a bar, also maybe more casual and friendly. Good luck :)

PoisonWitch · 06/08/2016 22:36

For some it cannot be a choice. Fair play if that is how you feel. For some like me I have been happy to duck men and women but only had one brief unsuccessful relationship with a woman but lots with men. I would be open to a relationship with a woman but only you can know this for yourself. Go to a gay club.see how it feels.

PoisonWitch · 06/08/2016 22:37

Fuck not duck stupid prudish autocorrect.

Irememberwhen · 06/08/2016 23:54

Have just found the turning tavern threads. And there's so many posts similar to mine (though better expressed!) when I was searching. I can see this really isn't unusual. Thank you. I will do some reading.

No idea about meeting someone and the idea of clubbing makes me feel ancient. But Im sure there must be some sort of meet ups. There are a lot of gay people where i live. Not quite ready for any type of relationship yet.

Thanks for your posts.

OP posts:

Irememberwhen · 06/08/2016 23:59

Have just searched and found the turning tavern threads. found so many posts similar to mine when searching (though better expressed!) Thank you. I will have a read.

No idea about meeting someone. The idea of clubbing makes me feel ancient. I'm not yet ready for a new relationship. I'm sure there must be some sort of meet ups when I am. There are many gay people where I live.

Thanks for replies.

OP posts:

Irememberwhen · 07/08/2016 00:01

FFS. Thought I'd lost bloody post and typed the whole thing again! Sorry for double post.

OP posts:

dananalav · 03/07/2019 12:42

well did you find out...

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