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Can someone give me a kick up the bum please?

(8 Posts)
ilovehalloumi Fri 05-Aug-16 12:18:00

Help!!

I have had a couple of threads over the last year about H, under different nicknames though.

Potted history is, I have finally kicked him out. He has been a ridiculous cocklodger for 4 years, I have been the sole earner while he did less than fuck all. Talking, missing DD's specialist appointments, playing xbox and telling her she is watching a film etc...

I have been through a huge amount of counselling, had mental health issues which I was completely unsupported with by H. Through counselling I have realised how much I try to please people, starting with my EA mother, who is now dead, so closure has been an issue. I created a whole image for myself to live up to her, H was part of that, I looked after him, made excuses for him, was very unhappy and his actions contributed to my mental health.

Eventually he fucked a 19 year old, and I kicked him out.

I am now in a relationship with a woman, its early days but I am very happy.

However, I am REALLY struggling to get out of the mindset that I have to please him, I have to see him for DD, he has very few friends because he is an antisocial bastard, although thats my fault, obviously. He has had to get a job and pay his own rent and he is finding it stressful (my fault obviously) He hates seeing me with my DP, she avoids him and has been civil to him but he refuses to be in the same room and blames her for the breakdown of our marriage.

I am in tears because I feel so guilty that he is miserable, I feel like I should take him back. I didnt mean to hurt him. I hate this. It is ruining anything I do that is positive, because he is angry with me all the time.

Am i being a proper dick? I feel strong when he isnt here, I feel happier, and then i see the misery I am causing and I feel dreadful.

staffiegirl Fri 05-Aug-16 12:30:58

You're not the cause of his misery, he is.

None of his woes are your fault, nor are they your problem. Life without him in it sounds very positive, so don't let guilt stand in your way of future happiness. Perhaps think about investing in more therapy to explore why you feel guilty?

Your ex sounds like a dickhead. You made the right decision to ditch him.

timelytess Fri 05-Aug-16 12:34:10

Oh, my. He's a bad habit, isn't he? You haven't caused any of his misery, he's done that for himself. He could have pulled his weight, supported you, been a proper dad to your dd, and he could have avoided fucking a nineteen-year-old. That last one I'd find kind of essential in a life-partner. No screwing around.
You've done so well to get rid of him. When you catch yourself feeling guilty, shake it off.

ilovehalloumi Fri 05-Aug-16 12:36:16

Yes, that's what I need, you're right. I feel guilty because I have spent my whole life doing things and saying things to please others, my mum, then him. Its a really hard habit to drop.

My GF can't understand, if I ever tell her how im feeling or an opinion or anything, I am expecting her to walk out or get mad at me, apparently that's not how normal people communicate. She is being very patient and supportive.

He tells me I am to blame for everything, nothing is ever his fault. I start to believe his bullshit.

ilovehalloumi Fri 05-Aug-16 12:36:52

How do I shake it off? I just end up feeling awful.

staffiegirl Fri 05-Aug-16 12:52:11

How do I shake it off? I just end up feeling awful.

IME, shaking off guilt is extremely difficult. First you have to understand why you feel guilty and work from there.

You will know that you're not responsible for him, that he made his bed, now he's reaping the rewards but that little nagging voice of guilt is always there. Guilt is so damaging that's why I suggested further therapy as your current relationship sounds very positive so in order to safeguard that, taking steps to work on why you feel guilty for your waste of space ex would be a sound investment.

I'd love a 'fuck you' attitude, but being the family scapegoat put paid to that. I was blamed for so much as a child, made to feel guilty for shit that was way out of my control, so I carried that over into adulthood. It helps massively to understand why.

Cabrinha Fri 05-Aug-16 13:06:09

Therapy and working out why is great for the long term. But it takes time.

I would write down on a card 3 bullet points:
- did fuck all with our child
- was a total cocklodger
- fucked another woman

And carry that with you and get it out every single time you feel guilty, and make yourself read it aloud.

candybar007 Fri 05-Aug-16 15:28:16

Q, Is there anything he is not blaming you for
A, No
Therefore he is playing the normal blame game, don`t fall for it !!!

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