Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Can someone give me a kick up the bum please?

7 replies

ilovehalloumi · 05/08/2016 12:18

Help!!

I have had a couple of threads over the last year about H, under different nicknames though.

Potted history is, I have finally kicked him out. He has been a ridiculous cocklodger for 4 years, I have been the sole earner while he did less than fuck all. Talking, missing DD's specialist appointments, playing xbox and telling her she is watching a film etc...

I have been through a huge amount of counselling, had mental health issues which I was completely unsupported with by H. Through counselling I have realised how much I try to please people, starting with my EA mother, who is now dead, so closure has been an issue. I created a whole image for myself to live up to her, H was part of that, I looked after him, made excuses for him, was very unhappy and his actions contributed to my mental health.

Eventually he fucked a 19 year old, and I kicked him out.

I am now in a relationship with a woman, its early days but I am very happy.

However, I am REALLY struggling to get out of the mindset that I have to please him, I have to see him for DD, he has very few friends because he is an antisocial bastard, although thats my fault, obviously. He has had to get a job and pay his own rent and he is finding it stressful (my fault obviously) He hates seeing me with my DP, she avoids him and has been civil to him but he refuses to be in the same room and blames her for the breakdown of our marriage.

I am in tears because I feel so guilty that he is miserable, I feel like I should take him back. I didnt mean to hurt him. I hate this. It is ruining anything I do that is positive, because he is angry with me all the time.

Am i being a proper dick? I feel strong when he isnt here, I feel happier, and then i see the misery I am causing and I feel dreadful.

OP posts:

Report

staffiegirl · 05/08/2016 12:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

timelytess · 05/08/2016 12:34

Oh, my. He's a bad habit, isn't he? You haven't caused any of his misery, he's done that for himself. He could have pulled his weight, supported you, been a proper dad to your dd, and he could have avoided fucking a nineteen-year-old. That last one I'd find kind of essential in a life-partner. No screwing around.
You've done so well to get rid of him. When you catch yourself feeling guilty, shake it off.

Report

ilovehalloumi · 05/08/2016 12:36

Yes, that's what I need, you're right. I feel guilty because I have spent my whole life doing things and saying things to please others, my mum, then him. Its a really hard habit to drop.

My GF can't understand, if I ever tell her how im feeling or an opinion or anything, I am expecting her to walk out or get mad at me, apparently that's not how normal people communicate. She is being very patient and supportive.

He tells me I am to blame for everything, nothing is ever his fault. I start to believe his bullshit.

OP posts: