Feel like we're heading for divorce

[Misspuddleduck]

Long time lurker but this is my first post I have no one in the real world to talk to so hope I can get some advice.

Me and my husband have been married for 3 years together for 6, at first we had a very good relationship however over the past year it's deteriorated rapidly to the point where I'm not sure there's anything left to save.

Last year was a really difficult year we found out we couldn't conceive naturally and had to under go IVF, I found the whole process very difficult and emotionally draining at one point I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown I was crying all the time - he'd come home and find me in bed crying uncontrollably - I told him how I felt and he told me he'd seen someone go through a nervous breakdown and this wasn't what it looked like and that I was being over dramatic.

During treatment I became very ill to the point I could barely walk, one night he came home from work late and asked what was for dinner I said I thought we could order pizza as I wasn't feeling well enough to cook, he started shouting about how he expected dinner on the table when he got home and didn't stop until he'd reduced me to tears, then he acted like he didn't know why I was crying.

The beginning of this year we finally got the good news that I was pregnant however his behaviour has continued to be unsupportive, I've had very bad spd which means I can't stand for long periods and have been told by physio not to clean as I end up in pain for hours afterwards he moans about cooking, hasn't cleaned the house in months it's literally filthy, I try to do it and then will generally end up in agony after, if I ask him to rub my back he rolls his eyes and makes a half arsed effort at it for 5 minutes.

We haven't had sex for several months, when I bring it up he says he'd love to have sex but never initiates anything, I've given up trying there's no affection from him and no intimacy.

I've recently been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, when I told him I'd been referred for councilling he just changed the subject, then acted all confused when a friend asked if I was ok and had seen a councillor yet. He said he didn't realise even though I've been telling him how I feel for the last year!

I've told him so many times that I feel unsupported, that he's offered no emotional support that I'm desperately unhappy and I feel like divorce is the only option as things aren't getting better, he doesn't listen.

I'm really worried about giving birth with our relationship the way it is, several times I've had painful pelvic cramps and he's ignored me almost crying in pain when I challenge him it's always "I didn't realise" - I'm right in front of him!

I'm also concerned about having a newborn in the house with the relationship between us. I don't live near family I have no where else to go, a few weeks ago we had an argument and I almost went to stay in a hotel I couldn't really afford it though so in the end I went home.

I really don't know what to do anymore, I feel so alone and so unloved, I feel like we're broken and there's no fixing it.

[Misspuddleduck]

Sorry that's a really long post!

[Isetan]

Or he could just be a knob and when you were 'putting dinner on the table' and generally servicing his needs, he was OK. However, he views your current physical and emotional needs as a burden and just like a newborn, are a distraction from him and his more important 'needs'.

Unfortunately, pregnancy and illness of a partner can expose an ugly entitled (abusive) side of some people, who are used to being the priority. For me having a daughter made me aware that I would not want her to put up with the same treatment I was putting up with and I also wasn't happy about parenting an adult male.

I would advise against joint counselling because he's abusive and you're fragile and the priority should be your emotional and physical recovery. Therefore, I suggest that you see a professional alone and seek out the RL support of family and friends.

I am so sorry you're going through this and you deserve better than the tantrums of a supposedly grown arse man.

[Isetan]

I don't give a flying fig about the possible triggers of his knobishness, it doesn't justify or excuse abusing a vulnerable woman. 'Loss of stability' is a more respectable way of saying , my needs are my priority and they should be yours too'.

[NoFanJoe]

Big congratulations on the pregnancy. You're going through a lot of emotional and physical change so of course you need support.
From the OP, the husband seems disengaged to me, not abusive. Probably he doesn't know how to provide emotional support rather than not seeing the need.

[tribpot]

Was the IVF the first time you had been vulnerable and in need of his support and understanding? Had you been ill before, for example, and if so was he sympathetic or dickish?

The other possibility is that he has shown his true colours in a time of crisis and he is too selfish to be any kind of decent life partner. However, given how traumatic IVF is for both partners, you could tackle this with him head on and say that, whatever the cause, his behaviour towards you is unacceptable. If he's unwilling to look at the problem and consider what his responsibilities are towards you and the baby - well, you have your answer.

For god's sake don't make your SPD worse trying to clean because he won't but moans about the state of the house. I appreciate it must be stressing you out but your health comes first.