Think my marriage might be over

[Hermagsjesty]

My DH is not horrible. He's very funny and bright and mostly very kind. Sometimes binge drinks and is not a nice drinker, can be a bit lazy, occasionally loses his temper. But nothing terrible. But I just don't feel like we're partners any more. we've been together 11yrs - since I was quite young (22). We have young children (2 and 4). Things have been up and down since the kids, really (although the kids themselves make me happier than I've ever been). But a year ago, I fell unexpectedly pregnant and had a termination, which - for me- was the wrong choice. It was horrible - I hated myself and him. We talked a lot and both worked hard and sort of got back on track - we don't argue or feel angry any more but I feel like the closeness has gone. I've suggested counselling a couple of times but he doesn't seem to take it seriously. When I think about us not being together the only thing that really makes me feel sad is the impact on the kids. And the fact that he's a lovely man who I know loves me and I hate the idea of hurting him. Just wondered if anyone had any thoughts/ advice?

[Msqueen33]

I'm in the same place. Nothing really wrong. He's kind, has a good job but is just lazy and a bit boring. Three kids and I'm not sure what to do. Could you be very open and honest and maybe that would push him towards counselling? It sounds like the termination has caused a big issue and that maybe it's something that you could do with talking to someone about x

[OnTheRise]

Even if he doesn't want to go to counselling, you still can.

You've had a terrible time. You poor thing. Try not to worry about your husband or how you feel about him: you need to look after yourself right now, and do things to make you feel better. Once you feel better about yourself, and are happier, you'll be able to see more clearly what you need to do with regard to your husband.

I hope you're ok.

[Hermagsjesty]

Thank you. Yes - I think I probably should have counselling myself at least about the termination. To be honest, I think I'm scared of opening a can of worms and going back to how I felt last summer.

[OnTheRise]

Counselling and therapy can be difficult. But if you work hard at them they do work really well. It's hard. But it's usually well worth the effort. If you do go, speak to your therapist right at the start and tell her of your fears. She'll help you through.

[Hermagsjesty]

Thanks to everyone for replying. Feeling quite low today. Second weekend in a row that DH has gone out on a big drinking binge - starting Sat afternoon and not emerging until almost lunchtime next day with a stinking hangover. It's happening with increasing frequency - I guess maybe because he's not happy either... Don't want my kids to grow up thinking that's normal... (It isn't, is it?!)

[HairlessPinky]

Hi, I have the same right now and can understand how you feel. Actually it feels like it changed since my 6 year old was born. My husband has a good job, earns a nice salary, I work part time and we just bought a house. Picture perfect from the outside. It just seems like he doesn't care about me anymore. Last night we agreed to watch a film together then his brother "popped over" to pick up something, then his brother was having dinner with us then it was 10pm. (btw his brother had been staying with us with his kids for a month up until last week as he just ended his marriage). I was so disappointed that I got sooo angry which is really not like me. I raised my voice, starting crying and said I was fed up with his brother treating our house like his. I looked after his children like they are my own. My husband had drunk a bottle of wine by then and just said absolutely stupid things like "is it that time of the month?" "you are overreacting". It's just so many things like this have happened and I feel like he is just not hearing me. He thinks that everything would be better if we had more sex. I too had to have a termination last Christmas and we had planned to go on holiday. We had to cancel and he said "this is the worse Christmas ever," "I ran a 5K competition and was super nervous and all he could say was "it's freezing here and you're acting differently". I've been married to him for 12 years and it feels like I don't want this anymore but I don't know what to do. I don't know if this is part of the "till death do us part" or if I am compromising too much of my happiness. Or are all men like this? He seems to think that I am lucky because he has never cheated on me..

[Hermagsjesty]

Hi Hairless Pinky. Sorry you're feeling like this too. Yes - it's hard to know how much is normal ups and downs of marriage life. I don't expect it to be flowers and champagne all the time - but I don't feel like I like the person that I am when I'm around him at the moment. I feel more tense/ stressed/ uptight when I'm with him than when I'm not. And I don't think that can be right....

[HairlessPinky]

I know. I always feel like I'm walking on egg shells. I guess we can all post our advice as to what to do but we don't know the entire story of your marriage. I see someone who counselled me immensely to the point that I am just not willing to take this anymore. Yet, I don't know if I can leave either.. I don't know what to do. We have a 6 year old, a house we just bought. He says he loves me but it just seems like such work. He says we need to "realign" ourselves. That we've got out of sync the last couple of years. I just want someone to hear me and respect me and what I want to achieve for our family. I feel like his brother and job always come before me. He asks me about my day, I start to tell him about my job and he starts scrolling on his phone while I'm talking. I mean what?

[HairlessPinky]

p.s. my husband binge drinks alone in the garden and doesn't surface until lunchtime either. I read a lot about male depression and that's one of the signs..drinking

[DearTeddyRobinson]

Another wife of a binge drinker here. H just doesn't know when to stop. But when I'm pissed off at him for being in bed all morning with a hangover while I sort out the kids, then I'm a bitch who drives him to drink.
So it's my fault.
Sorry no advice but I think it's NOT normal. I envy my friends whose husbands get up on a Sunday and go to the gym!

[Hermagsjesty]

Just raised counselling again. Didn't go great.

[ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged]

I recognise a lot of these issues. I'm also trying to make some very tough decisions.

[Hermagsjesty]

We had a proper chat last night. He is still not massively up for couples counselling but has said he will make more effort to be around for the family at weekends. I got quite upset describing how I feel like I spend lots of time with my friends and their husbands and kids and often he'll be the only Dad who's not there. And he admitted he had a problematic relationship with binge drinking which I think is quite a big step (although im not sure what he'll actually so about it). And I spoke a bit about the abortion and how it still makes me sad to think I probably missed my last chance to have a child. So, we've left it that I am going to look into counselling for myself and he's going to try a bit harder. And then I guess we'll see where we are...

[adora1]

If you are not really a drinker then it feels even worse when a partner is and drinks to excess, you don't have to be party to it though, you can actually say this is not for me, if he wants to carry on he can, we are all adults. I am disgusted that he thinks it A ok to get plastered and B, not come home to the next day, not right or normal.

I've been in a past relationship where he used to drink, you will never win, the drink will always be your competition, fuck that.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours does your H meet?.

You write about not wanting to hurt him but he has really not shown you that same consideration at all has he?. Counselling for your own self and without him present would be beneficial to you.

It does not sound like he wants to address the reasons for his binge drinking, it seems like he is paying lip service to it. He is not wanting counselling at all, I wonder why (this is probably because he does not want some counsellor having a pop at him; that is perhaps what he is thinking in his own head). I do not think for one second he will make any profound, let alone long term, changes to his drinking or his relationship with you.

Do you still love this man?.

Re the impact on the children I would ask you whether this is the model of a relationship you want to show your children, after all they as they get older will notice their dad's absences far more. Your children need emotionally healthy and dependable role models more than anything else. They will go onto notice that their friends dad's are about and that their dad is unavailable due to drinking or being otherwise hungover.

[adora1]

And no, not all men are like this Hair, in fact I think to even say that to you is hugely insulting.

It takes two to make a relationship work and last and effort to keep the romance and excitement, but, you should want to, it shouldn't be a massive big deal, it should be something that is important to both people.

[Hermagsjesty]

Thanks for your replies. To be clear - he does come home after a night drinking (sometime in the early hours) but stays in bed or on the sofa until the next afternoon while I take the kids out.

I do think about the role models think - I think both him and his brother get their drinking habits from their Dad (who actually treats their Mum appallingly, in my opinion) and I do worry about my son in particular getting caught up in the same mentality. But when he's on form he is great with them - and they adore him.

In terms of what I get out of the relationship - he's good company, he makes me laugh a lot, we have things in common, he mostly listens when I talk about work etc.

I guess the biggest question is whether I still love him - and I guess the honest answer is I really don't know. Hoping counselling might help me with that...

[adora1]

Sorry OP, I misread, but still, drinking on a sat afternoon and resurfacing on Sunday lunchtime is still not on or fair and will just keep making you feel resentful, he must realise this.

I think you are right, it's about being partners, tell him what you have said here and hopefully you can both work on having an even better relationship but he needs to cut out the drinking crap, no need for that.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Hermags

re your comments in quote marks (my responses are underneath):-

"Thanks for your replies. To be clear - he does come home after a night drinking (sometime in the early hours) but stays in bed or on the sofa until the next afternoon while I take the kids out".

If your children do not already notice that their dad is absent again due to drink they soon will do and they will also pick up on any unspoken reactions from you re their dad also. You're the one who takes them out in such circumstances, to me it seems that you are making the best here of what is really a bad job. You are in some respects trying to soften the blows for them. You cannot fully protect them from all this though.

"I do think about the role models think - I think both him and his brother get their drinking habits from their Dad (who actually treats their Mum appallingly, in my opinion) and I do worry about my son in particular getting caught up in the same mentality. But when he's on form he is great with them - and they adore him".

As for this "well the children adore him" I would take issue with that. They may well on some level be terrified of him, they certainly see how you as their mother are treated by him. It is not a reason for you to remain in a poor relationship. Your children are still very young and they are indiscriminate in their affections for their dad. However, your H comes from a family that is at heart not emotionally healthy. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what did his parents teach him?. A shedload of damaging lessons that is what and his binge drinking is an overall part of that. Your worry about your own son (and other child for that matter) being caught up in that mentality is a valid one.

"In terms of what I get out of the relationship - he's good company, he makes me laugh a lot, we have things in common, he mostly listens when I talk about work etc".

So nothing there about you loving him, trusting him implicitly or meeting your emotional needs. These are really the barest of minimums for a relationship in any case. Your reply to this re what you get from this is not that reassuring to be honest. When is he actually good company, only when he is completely sober?. He has not been much company to his children and only replies that he is going to try harder. Its not much is it and he also has not explained how he is going to achieve this aim, he's just paid lip service to the problem to shut you up (for now).

Has the frequency also of his drinking episodes increased over the last 12 months?

"I guess the biggest question is whether I still love him - and I guess the honest answer is I really don't know. Hoping counselling might help me with that..."

I think it will help clarify some things further in your own mind. I would think that talking to Al-anon could also help you now too. You are affected by another person's drinking.

Alcohol is really a cruel mistress.

[Hermagsjesty]

Thanks Attila. I hadn't thought about Al-anon but maybe that's a route worth exploring. He absolutely wouldn't think of himself as a problem drinker but his relationship with alcohol definitely puts a strain on the family...

[Hermagsjesty]

Was out for a drink with friends last night and it has made me really question myself again. The kids came in to our room at 6.30am and DH just lay with his eyes shut - assuming I would get up. I don't mind being the one who does more childcare stuff - I mind it being taken for granted esp as I also work. (I wasn't out late and only had a couple of drinks so didn't need a lie in- just resent the assumption) Came downstairs to find his mess all over the living room, shoes and socks/ dirty cups/ glasses lying around and a bag of take away leftovers on the living room floor. I am also really messy and not the best round the house but I feel like if he was out for the evening, I'd at least put the dishwasher on. I guess those are normal irritations but I feel like it's all adding up to me being increasingly resentful. I was off work with the kids the other day and it turned out he had the day off too- and I felt disappointed about him being there too because sometimes I feel more happy/ relaxed when it's just me and the kids. Then I feel really guilty because I get upset with him not being around and hands on enough and then when he is there I get really irritated with him... Just starting to worry I am being a coward and the relationship isn't actually doing is or the kids any favours...