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DH discussing very personal convos with his family.(12 Posts)
Things haven't been great in my marriage for a while. I have been pretty low for a very long time. Dd passed away 7 years ago and I was never really the same. I isolated myself and just kept myself to myself. Dh is pretty aloof and hasn't really noticed I have been depressed for a while. He's sort of left me to it. I'm at a stage where I will go to my gp to seek help. I'm really bad at communicating my feelings and this has lead to lots of problems. I have just focused on raising my ds with minimal input from my husband (he provides financially but isn't involved on any decisions or parenting). I guess I resent him for this. Anyway, his family have been quite cold with me recently. I thought it might be becUse he's been discussing our marriage with them.
I did something awful and checked his messages to a family member. Some pretty awful things have been said like "she's off her rocker", his sister thinks dh should tell his parents our problems and ALSO get my parents involved. She doesn't know why I'm so unhappy given that I have a child and a home and have been on a course (I have a PhD but gave up my career to look after ds. I went on a week course to refresh my skills so that I can go back to work - wow I should be so fucking grateful given the dh buggers off every Sunday to pursue his activities and leave ds with me). I know it was a shit thing to do by reading his messages but I feel so utterly exposed. Everyone in his family knows some of the deeply personal things i have said but nobody has come forward to offer me help. I don't know what to do. I feel they will be influencing him.
One of your children has passed away and people cannot understand why this has had a profound effect on you?
Was dd dh's daughter too? Could he be actually struggling too?
The fact that your sil thinks you should be grateful for what you have when you have lost the thing that would actually break a person says more about her than you.
Yes she was dh's dd. He just carried on as if nothing had happened. I am immensely grateful for what in have. I dont sit at wallow at her death. Something in me changed very deeply. I actually did open up to him about my feelings and his response was that I came up with a new excuse about why I resent him ie dd passing away. This is why I don't like to talk about stuff because I'm afraid people minimise my feelings.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Can I suggest you and your husband see a grief counsellor ? I really think think this might be something for a professional.
You and your husband both need to sit and talk to each other and a counsellor.
People grieve in different ways, have you thought he isn't there in your Ds life because he's scared history will repeat itself (not excusing his actions though)
There is no correct way to grieve, but I want to say well done for taking the first step and feeling ready to go to your GP for help. Have you tried to explain your emotions and feelings to your DH?
I'd be honest and confront him that you've seen the messages and you don't appreciate the comments you need help, not putting down.
Get your help and find who you are again. Don't focus on your DH at the moment focus on you.
I'm not totally sure that you need joint grief counselling at this stage. But I do think it would be very helpful for you, maybe with a view to ask him to be involved if you want later.
I would be devastated too if my DH discussed my marriage with family without really talking to me. And going to your parents would be highly inappropriate (although I would send him away with a flea in his ear if I was your parents - and then check up with you privately).
It sounds like he's publicly set out the reasons
your faults as to why he behaves the way he does. I was completely shocked at the 'truths' Ex was telling people about me and our relationship when we were still together. However, I used it to my advantage because it made detaching from him and his family so much easier.
Let your anger and hurt be the catalyst for seeking help, in trying to find peace and not staying stuck, both in your relationship and dealing with your grief When you're unhappy, crappy relationships are a perverse hiding place.
There is a lot going on in your post.
Clearly DH confides in his sister (many people do confide in friends or family) would if have been any different if he had confided in a friend?
What this does give you is an insight as to what your DH really thinks and believes. Clearly he has the emotional insight of a stone (as does his sister) and you are emotionally detached from each other.
Do you think there is any hope of an emotionally supportive partnership with your H in the future? If not perhaps it's time to get yourself a good therapist to help you worth through your grief to a healthier you so you are ready to be more open with your feelings in potential future relationship with friends/family/DS/lovers.
So sorry about the loss of your DD
Please seek professional help.
Really its OK for him to confide in his family, we all need someone to turn to sometimes. Unfortunately you've read messages that weren't intended for your eyes and they have hurt, they don't know how to fix things but a professional perspective will probably help.
I'm sure he's suffered with the loss of your DD and he may well not have grieved, having stayed the strong one, its a dreadful situation you are both in and I hope that with the right help you can improve your lives together.
Gosh thank you all for such lovely advice and insights. Dh is an emotional brick wall. He always has been. He was busy sorting out his sister's divorce on the first anniversary of dd's death rather than supporting me. I've just put up with it thinking I'm ok but something in me has really broken down. I was never able to get through to him and I just have no resilience left. I will definitely seek help.
I was very very close to dh's family but given that my very personal life has been aired, I feel like under a lot of scrutiny and judgement now.
I totally understand that everyone needs some one to confide in. But it helps knowing the extent to which I've been discussed. I never discussed my dh with my family (partly because they think he's the most wonderful person to have walked this planet) but also to protect him from any negativity.
Also maybe people think I'm a bit of a fraud struggling 7 years after she died? I bring her to my mind and I'm in tears.
No you are not a fraud. Your DD dies and your "DH" the person who you should be able to turn to, to comfort each other is an emotional brick wall, his family have him up on a pedestal and also lack empathy
My DH shut me out emotionally over something, it actually has given me PTSD, I'm still grieving over what it has cost me etc. So nope, absolutely not here is no time frame on grief even if you had a supportive H.
Please get some professional help
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