Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Am I just not ready to date yet?

2 replies

ViolettaValery · 17/07/2016 16:03

Just need a bit of perspective. I am 4 months out of an 18 month emotionally abusive relationship, NC for nearly all that time. No kids and we didn't live together, so in that sense it has been uncomplicated (also hard as hell of course).

I've been feeling very undatey nearly all that time (while ex apparently went through and discarded a string of people), I tend to have long gaps between relationships anyway - shortest before has been six months. But I have on a dating app lately, just to dip a toe in and remind myself other men exist, and suddenly it all just seems too much. Maybe there was more peer pressure to do it than I realised, and also my own pressure on myself to be "over it" quickly because my ex was a bit of a shit so there is a sense that obviously I shouldn't miss him (and mostly I don't). Another complication is he's been talking to mutual friends over the last week about how tragic, sad, distraught etc he is and they've told me, so I have that horrible feeling of being in his orbit again. Am going to distance myself from those friendships for a bit.

So now there's a possible date in the offing and I'm just feeling panicky and nervous rather than looking forward to meeting someone interesting. But then, I'm sure I'd feel nervous anyway, right? I can also see the logic in meeting up pretty quickly because you want to know if there's a rapport. He was keen to meet up, said so nicely and straightforwardly. I can't figure out whether the first post break-up date is always going to feel a bit anxious - plus I've never done internet dating before so there's that as well - or whether this is just too soon altogether.

OP posts:

Report

RosieandJim89 · 17/07/2016 16:15

4 months is not that long to be going into another relationship but there is nothing wrong with going on a few dates. They don't have to lead to anything.

Report

ViolettaValery · 17/07/2016 16:59

Ah, I knew somebody would jolt me out of my obsessive thought patterns!
No they don't, do they. I am bad at remembering that - I think of dating as a sort of inevitable tailspin into relationships.