What's the right way to deal with this? It feels bloody unfair. Background...
My quite controlling and jealous ex spent the first half of this year wanting us to be friends. I still care for him (in a you-are-my-family-member way) and tried to ensure that we got together as a family (i.e. incl DC) once a month or so for a few hours (meal/walk etc.). Was fine, we were getting on well without being in each other's pockets.
However in the last month or two he has started to blank me, not phone me back when I urgently need to speak to him (DC, finances or divorce related - not random chats). It transpires that he is "angry with me" about "everything", especially how he feels fucked over financially.
AIBU though? I was/am the higher earner, but I've given him the house and equity (mortgage payment is 50% less than rent would be), gave him a large sum to buy a car, still pay some of his bills, pay him maintenance (he has DC three nights a week + one full weekend day - and I offer him respite regularly because his work hours mean he doesn't get many full days to himself). I buy all DC clothes, pay for lessons, etc. We haven't got a formal separation agreement yet (for good reasons - we will by the autumn), but I'm fairly sure that he's getting a better deal than 50%/50%.
Surely I've done quite a lot for him in terms of finances? He has the children for about 40 hours a week, most of which they spend asleep... he works from home, has flex hours and as I said I also offer him respite regularly... and I try to be accommodating.
He has form for being very manipulative and touchy, with patchy insight into his behaviour. And for being quite entitled when it comes to how much I ought to be making his life easier.
I've taken the tack of sort of ignoring his stroppiness in a polite way, rather than putting myself out to by being friendly. I had been trying to just be nice in hopes that it snapped him out of it, but now I wonder if he's actually getting off on seeing me feel embarrassed/worried by his behaviour. (E.g. blanking me in front of a mutual friend.) I'm right aren't I? In some ways I'm still under his thumb emotionally...
I so wanted this to stay amicable. I'm quite pissed off with him. He's also told me that I was the controlling/abusive one in the relationship because I bulldozed him, etc. It's hard to hear because he is the kind of person who could never make a decision and had no confidence in himself, I spent the marriage trying to do everything/make everyone happy and then being criticised when family life/house/holiday/party/whatever wasn't to his expectations. When I just think... if you didn't like the way your life was going, why didn't you do something about it? How could it possibly be your wife's fault...
I've been working really hard on my codependent traits (he would behave like a child, I'd swoop in and save him) and this recent about face has triggered me badly. I want to "fix" the relationship between us, but I know intellectually that it's not my fault or problem...
It's just so hard, why are people so awkward? I've been bloody angry with him too at times over the last 10 months, but I don't expose that to him because it's very much my problem... and he's not my h anymore, so I keep my emotions to myself iyswim? Why would he not do me the same courtesy???
I know I am expecting too much but it's really made me sad today. :(
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Relationships
Ex swinging from "we are bffs!" to blanking/blaming me
19 replies
thestamp · 11/07/2016 22:27
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