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Am I weird?

9 replies

Saltfish · 11/07/2016 01:33

Where do I begin? Namechanged for privacy...I've been single for the past two years, left a very bad psychologically abusive relationship and since then can't bring myself to want a relationship with anyone...even friendships I shy away from...what happened? I have moved on from said person but not how they treated me.

I guess I could just do with some support right now. How do I bring myself to open up again to someone?

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come2chat · 11/07/2016 01:50

No you are most definitely not weird at all. You've been through a truly horrendous time from a relationship and have come out the other end. Nobody comes out of that unscathed. And kudos to you for coming out the other end, many don't and end up in cycle of abuse.
Give yourself time to enjoy life and take it slow. Enjoy our own company and let things flow. Don't give yourself any expectations or pressure that you need to get into another relationship.

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Saltfish · 11/07/2016 02:03

Thank you I think I needed to hear that. I think it's hard cuz I see everyone else in relationships and feel like why do I struggle so much with them? I think I isolate way too much. I love my own company but I am having a real wobble today. I've become a very strong person after leaving that relationship but it has definitely left me feeling very closed off. I just think what's the point? Maybe too much self preservation...

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DoubleNegativePanda · 11/07/2016 03:32

I divorced four years ago. I've dated several men but ended up breaking up with them because of things I perceived as red flags. Some were, some weren't in hindsight.

My issue is that I'm a bit closed off emotionally, but more than that I am rigidly intolerant to even the lowest levels of fuckwittery. I see a behavior or habit and think "no...absolutely can't be bothered with this shit" and then I'm done.

So no, you aren't weird. You have extremely high walls around you right now.

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Saltfish · 11/07/2016 03:52

Yeah I've noticed that too, I'll like someone then immediately find something about them that makes me think otherwise no matter how trivial. I'm very hyper vigilant. I almost feel envious of people who are so ignorant to red flags. I miss wanting to be in a relationship if there were such a thing. I guess I'm scared of feeling like I felt after my last breakup.

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DioneTheDiabolist · 11/07/2016 04:13

Are you weird OP? Probably. And that's Ok. In fact it's great. Embrace it. You have lived, learnt and become the weird, wonderful individual that you are.

All you have to do is find a man whose weirdness appreciates and compliments yours. You've only been single for a couple of years. Do you want a shag? A boyfriend? Advertise the position and try out the best applicants. What's the worst that can happen?

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Saltfish · 11/07/2016 10:09

I'm actually lesbian...I don't know what I want but I know the idea of dating is off putting. Especially when my community is so small. I worry I'll never want a relationship. I feel like there's been a huge dent in self confidence and worry I'm damaged goods. It's hard seeing my ex move on so easily, I don't want her back at all and don't even feel attracted to her but I envy the ease with which people can just be with other people. I used to bounce from relationship to relationship now I can't seem to let anyone in. I feel frustrated.

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DioneTheDiabolist · 11/07/2016 15:43

Sorry for my heteronormative assumption OP. It takes time and energy to heal from abusive relationships, this can mean that you have little energy for much else while the healing takes place.

You are not damaged goods, but you are risk adverse. Are there any "random" social groups in your area? Things like FB walking and "random" social groups in your area? These provide a no commitment, easy way to meet people who might become your friends.

I would recommend building a friendship group before seeking a romantic partner. Good luck.

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Claraoswald36 · 11/07/2016 15:46

It the abiauve relationship and its legacy. Mine made me v paranoid about friends behaviour for a long time after it ended.

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Saltfish · 11/07/2016 15:57

No worries at all! I have to admit I have found so much strength through mumsnet and am generally ok with not being in a relationship. I just have wobbles sometimes. Maybe I feel in competition with my ex to see who can be the happiest first. I have wonderful friends but I don't think they understand how hard it has been for me to recover from this. It's not something I feel I can speak to them about.

Clara how long did it take you to get to such a place where you could trust again?