How to stop running a boarding house for adult children?

[lilacwineplease]

Both dc are living back at home – they are are both in their 20s, one has finished university and is working locally, the other home from uni for the summer and has some part time work lined up.
I'm getting fed up of feeling like we are running a hotel.
Dd1 has her boyfriend down to stay this weekend. They were out all day yesterday, ate with us in the evening (dd2 made the meal, then they all polished off the remains of the chicken I was keeping for a risotto later in the week). I told dd1 and her bf they would need to clear up after dinner – which they did.
This morning, they got up late, beautifully dressed, but refused a polite request to do a few things around the house because they've arranged to go out for the rest of today. They have now disappeared, without doing the things I'd asked.
Me and DH, on the other hand, had been on the go since quite early, putting away A shopping delivery and sorting laundry. He also did a bit of work on elder dc's car before he went into work himself.
Dd2 is more useful since she's been at uni, so less of an issue there - although she has skipped off too without lifting a finger this morning. The dog needs a walk, the dishwasher is full and there is a pile more laundry to do. Dh and I work ft and I have work to tackle from my job today.
Dh and I need to sit down and set some boundaries! Dd1 told me to 'fuck off' this morning when I used the immortal phrase about treating our home like an hotel. They're not doing nothing, but mainly need to be told, and dd1 especially isn't pulling her weight.
Any practical suggestions would be very welcome, thanks.

[NancyPickford]

I wouldn't be doing their laundry for starters. And I wouldn't be clearing up after them. And if a daughter told me to fuck off she would have to find somewhere else to doss in. Yes, yes, yes, start setting boundaries as of now! Good luck, hope you get it sorted.

[DoinItFine]

I would be showing DD1 what Fuck Off actually means.

[lilacwineplease]

Hmmm - yes, maybe stop the laundry and put her rent up to compensate for the extra energy bills (she pays a token amount which probably just about covers her food bills because she's saving for a house deposit).

[NancyPickford]

Exactly!

[NancyPickford]

Sorry, that 'exactly' was for doinitfine.

[lilacwineplease]

Thanks - I will show dh this thread. I'll be back to read any more thoughts later (going for a run to calm down!)

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

Any child of mine who told me to "fuck off" would find her bags packed when she sauntered back in from her nice day out.

They pull their weight or they make alternative arrangements. Get a rota sorted and present it to them. No deviations, no discussion. Boyfriends are tolerated according to my own rules, not theirs.

You have all the power, so exercise some of it.

[WaffleOverload]

I was thinking ' sounds fairly typical' until I got to the fuck off bit

You stood for that? Wouldn't happen here, they'd know the true meaning of that phrase if it was ever uttered to me. Cheeky baggage - tell her she needs to make alternative living arrangements

[Chippednailvarnishing]

Any child of mine who told me to "fuck off" would find her bags packed when she sauntered back in from her nice day out

This with bells on. Sorry OP, but you sound like a total doormat.

[Believeitornot]

Your child told you to fuck off

I'd never talk to my mum like that!

[HappyJanuary]

Yes, totally unacceptable to tell you to fuck off.

I think you need to sit down with them and work out a list of chores, and a rota.

I've actually got a bit of sympathy that they made plans for today and were asked to help out unexpectedly, particularly the daughter who has her boyfriend staying for the weekend, but a rota should stop that sort of thing happening.

Perhaps point out that cheap rent depends on them doing their bit, but that you're happy to let them off the hook if they would prefer to start paying market rates.

[DoinItFine]

I would deal with them separately.

DD1 is a grown up adult who is taking the piss and being unspeakably rude.

She's needs a Big Talk about what it means to be an earning adult living in the home providrd by other adults with jobs.

The younger DD sounds fine really. She's home from uni and helping out. Maybe a word about not leaving all the jobs to you.

[lovelyupnorth]

Would be showing DD1 the door. She either lives by your rules or finds her own place to live. She's taking the piss.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

You need to have a stern word OP.

I swore at my mum once as a teenager and my dad went absolutely ballistic. Never made that mistake again.

[oldestmumaintheworld]

I would suggest that you all sit down together, without the boyfriend, and lay down some ground rules.

1. If you are living in my house and working you are expected to pay rent.
2. If you live in my house you do chores - I am not a servant nor am I paid to clean for you/do your laundry etc. And by chores I mean, hoovering, shopping, cleaning the bathroom, cleaning your room, changing your bed and doing your own washing and ironing.
3. If you live in my house we all take it in turns to cook meals, clean up and wash-up afterwards.
4. If you want to have friends over that's great, but you ask first. And if you expect me to feed them I need to know they are going to be here and they (and you) eat at the same time as everyone else. I am not running a rolling buffet. If they are staying overnight, you ask first.

And finally if you are ever rude to me, ever... you are in serious s**t. and need to apologise big time.

Now, OP these are my rules for my children and they may not suit you, but I'm a hard arse. But I'm sure that with some modification for what suits you and your DH you can agree and then lay it on the line for your kids. Either they stick to the rules, or start looking elsewhere. They are adults now and need to respect you and your home.

[putthehamsterbackinitscage]

Agree ... Stop doing her laundry, refuse to have boyfriend to stay until they both show some respect, and set her rent at a level that reflects the cost of her being at home - not necessarily market rates, but more than just her share of the food bills

If you don't need the money, you can bank it and give it to her later towards house but you are enabling her to take you for granted .... Not just financially but in all aspects...

Your DD2 probably needs a chat at this stage about how to play fair whilst home for the summer

Mine are still a bit younger teens than yours and not working but I do expect some contributions in return for funding their lifestyles (phones, hobbies, car). Eg ironing is done by DD every week, DS gets list of jobs when we go caravanning and he stays home alone on a weekend ....

Both are expected to help once or twice with cooking each week and to clear the table and load the dishwasher after family meals ...

[BubblingUp]

The homeowners get to set the rules. The homeowners can dictate everything from sleep-wake cycles of everyone under their roof, to who gets to come into the house, who pays for what, who does what chores and when and even with no prior warning, whether alcohol can be consumed or not, whether you can close your bedroom door or not and how all money is spent by everyone living under their roof.

Sounds extreme, but this is the reality - although these are expected but unspoken truths. Don't like it, move out. Period.

[PinkyPlumet]

I was a little shit as a teenager but I NEVER told my mum to fuck off, that's so disrespectful. She needs a massive reality check!

[lilacwineplease]

Thank you everyone, I am taking this all in.
Doinitfine - I agree, dd2 is actually fine, and annoyed about her sister's behaviour. She's trying to smooth things over.
Dd1 is currently taking her bf to the station.
There needs to be one almighty apology from her for us to back down from mine and dh's current position that she needs to move out. I shouldn't need to micromanage a 23 year old's efforts and behaviour- I get enough of that in work!

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"Dd1 has her boyfriend down to stay this weekend."
"Dd1 told me to 'fuck off' this morning when I used the immortal phrase about treating our home like an hotel."

I think it's time she went and mooched off her boyfriend well his family really. Maybe be helpful and have a bag packed sll ready for her return home today.

Seriously, I'm as foul-mouthed as they come but that young lady needs a wake-up call.

[DetestableHerytike]

Cannot believe she told you to fuck off!

[Shizzlestix]

She told you to fuck off?! Whether or not you sprung chores on her, there is no way on god's earth I would have spoken to my DM like that aged 23. Seriously, OP, don't let this one go. Stop doing anything for her and make her buy her own food, do her own laundry, cleaning etc. Either she apologises and ups her game, or she can find out the reality of being an adult and pay her own way in a rental. And stop th DH from repairing her car!