I have a lot going on in my life at the moment (doesn't everyone - selfish, right?) but the more that things fall on my shoulders, the more I see that actually the people around me are of little supports, and the less I want to be around them.
During the last two years my DH has had MH issues with PTSD (I have posted about this previously and how it has changed the man I love), redundancy and starting a new job. In this time people who I thought would have been there, including his own mother, were not. I was left on my own to cope with his illness, making ends meet and caring for our DC. The only real support I had was my lovely boss we put as much overtime my way as possible and actually asked every day how I was.
I have gone LC with my immediate family after realising that it is always me that maintains communication. I haven't heard from my siblings since February. They maintain communications with my eldest DC but not myself which actually hurts a lot. My parents, when they do decide to contact me ask about DP, DC and even the blooming dog but not about me.
People who I thought were friends seem to see me as someone to moan about their trials and tribulations, but not to ask how I am. I sound all me, me, don't I? But actually I feel like an non person to them. Am I such an ice maiden that I look like everything is tickety boo?
My job hasn't been safe for a while, this is something that has been in the local newspapers as its a large local employer. No support forthcoming there either, no sympathy just the need for gossip. My DP mom has been agog to find out what is going on so she can tell her friends. No offers of do you need help with childcare so you can change jobs, can I drop DC to school etc.
My DP has been totally disassociated from it all. I have spent days, weeks if not months getting everyone ready for school/work and sobbing on my dog's shoulder. How flipping sad is that?
For this last week, I have cut myself off from everyone. Just taken DC to school and ignored the pleasantries on the playground. Gone to work, done my shift and gone home without barely speaking to colleagues. I don't think my DP has even noticed that I am not my usual chatty self. A part of me feels bloody liberated to not have everyone's crap on my shoulders and now I'm wondering if I should just continue being this little shadow to everyone apart from my kids. But then, my.kids aren't going to be little for ever. I want them to see the world and be happy bit then is my life going to be lonely?
I feel that I am at a crossroads and I don't know where to turn. I have been to see my GP and I am not depressed. He's sent me off for a load of blood tests to see if there is a medical reason for my low moods. I still feel joy in my days, seeing my kids do something together or even if its a sunny day. I just feel totally invisible to every one else.
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Would I be wrong to isolate myself?
9 replies
coco1810 · 10/07/2016 12:03
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