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Feeling like there is nothing left after a holiday.

(20 Posts)
whatisforteamum Sat 09-Jul-16 08:24:23

We ve just been away for a few days.I was reluctant as dh can be moody and i dont really like travelling.However only having had one mini break in 12 yrs i decided to go.
During the yr we work all hours and our dcs do too.I work all weekend and most eves he works earlier getting up 430 am and home by we share the chores and he has been picking dd up gone midnight as she cant drive.dd has just left her job as sometimes she finishes 230 am!!.
Anyway we go to a place we visited 24 yrs ago and it is beautiful.However he is still snappy or disengaged,No affection or conversation unless i start one.I admit i talk alot and i have been described as bubbly and energectic
,He is quiet doesnt express his feelings except anger.DH is 7 yrs older and i work with people half my age.Going away i felt a bit down with him and he is so unfit (he had a major heart attack and has even put on weight) so some of the uphill walking was a struggle.
our ds described him as old fashioned the other week.I am not sure how we will continue as we seem such complete opposites now.
TBH he did say we have a roof over our heads as the house is ours which is important as niether of us earns much
I know the kind of house share as we are not off at the same time kind of works i just feel sad that i /we dont have anything more than that,after almost 30 yrs.
I feel sad that the energy and great sex life we had has gone

LifeHuh Sat 09-Jul-16 08:56:43

How old are you/ is he? Because up at 4.30, back home at 7 pm,but up till at least midnight sounds like a killer day.Even if your DP wanted to address his fitness issues its hard to see when he'd have time to do it.
I,m late 50s now,and I don't think I could do it - I'd be falling asleep at work or while driving!
I think also that with that level of busyness ,it is probably unreasonable to expect your DP to be able to immediately relax into being fun on holiday.
Obviously don't know how old he is,whether he is trying,etc but just looking at what he does.
Not helpful really but is there anything in your life that can be adjusted to take off some of the pressure? (Part of me thinks it's unreasonable for your DD to take a job she needs transport to at that kind of time - but it's a job,isn't it ?)

LifeHuh Sat 09-Jul-16 09:01:16

And sorry to post again straight away,but if you work weekends and most evenings he works more than you? Depends a bit how long your evening is but it sounds as if he is older,has had a serious health problem,and is only getting maybe 4 hours of sleep? Poor guy!

MiddleClassProblem Sat 09-Jul-16 09:09:55

I think DD needs to find other means home. Bus or taxi of not in an area buses go or stay over at friends. If she's quit the late night job (how did she get home at 2;30?) and it's just social, she needs to be more independent and take charge of that aspect and let her dad sleep. No idea how he has the energy to function let alone interact with anyone in his own time. It will take longer than a holiday to get his sleep back in shape

whatisforteamum Sat 09-Jul-16 09:24:00

Thank you.She did the job for 11 months after a yr unemployed.It was my old job...local but off the beaten track.This was ok when i finished 1030 andher 11pm but people leaving left her on 14 hr days.She left this week.Her new job is on the bus route.Dh only sleeps a few hrs a night which is a huge worry to me.I work 45 hr weeks on split shifts.I wish he would find work locally but lacks confidence.I am late 40s.

LifeHuh Sat 09-Jul-16 20:16:56

So does he have a long journey to work as well? That all sounds really difficult. He's about my age then( little younger!)
It may be that you are no longer compatible,but I think you are not getting a proper picture of how things could be because of all the other stuff.I don't know how you sort it but it sounds as if something needs to change to give him an easier life . Do you manage to talk about how things are and how you feel?
Sorry,I seem to be making it all about him,but that was the impression I got from you post,that a lot of what you were unhappy about could just be down to tiredness/ stress/ age - I don't think being older in itself is an issue,you can still be young in outlook and interests etc,but ( in my experience!) the stamina goes a bit,you can't function on no sleep like you once could.

whatisforteamum Sun 10-Jul-16 09:12:48

yes he does hve an hr and a half drive each way too for really not much money.I dont understand as he is a capable man,The company moved 4o mins away so he stayed then 8 yrs ago they moved again.I love working he just does it for the money.we ve had endless rows about it and he shuts me out.I spoke to him last night and he said what do i want to do about it.Rent is sky high where we live and we own our house so staying put seems the only option.also my df is terminally ill and has told me his next goal is his birthday in a few weeks.He has been much better than last summer however he was given a yr 18 months ago.
Yes i think the age gap is showing.

ApocalypseSlough Sun 10-Jul-16 09:24:16

It sounds like the unsustainable overwork and general stress rather than age tbh.
How many adults living at home? If he's up at 4.30, home 7 and collecting midnight the other adults should be really taking the slack.
Why don't you collect DD at midnight?

newname99 Sun 10-Jul-16 09:28:51

im surprised your husband is coping with those hours, a long commute and hardly any sleep.I doubt anyone would be able to relax after a few days.

I understand it's frustrating that he won't change jobs but maybe he has low confidence in his abilities, so he is staying with the devil he knows even if it's really tough for him.

Is he still monitored after heart attack? Could you speak to his gp to express concerns and maybe get counselling for him.

I think his age/health are greater factors than 7 years age difference

whatisforteamum Sun 10-Jul-16 10:47:37

I used to get dd at 11 ish then we would all go home for tea however one eve i had to wait until 1 am and this started happening alot as staff left.I told her me getting up 7am doing chores before a split shift then waiting until 1 am was too much.Someone left my place so i ended up doing 45 hr weeks.some weeks we did 180 between us on shift work.DH insisted on collecting dd as he doesnt go to bed early himself(it just got later and later).twice she got lifts home 230 am !!from colleagues.
Yes he is monitored for his heart and takes pills and is currently trying to lose weight which he finds hard.
DD has left her job and has one where the bus stops outside the pub so no more lifts

ApocalypseSlough Sun 10-Jul-16 10:53:20

So what's his schedule now? What you describe is worrying.

whatisforteamum Sun 10-Jul-16 10:59:45

up at 430 and home by 7. 4 days a week.I work all weekend and friday when he is here.we share the chores.I left a job where i wasnt treated so well and thought i may have more time off with him.The reverse has been true however i love my colleagues and when i am here he seems angry.

ApocalypseSlough Sun 10-Jul-16 11:37:31

I think anyone getting up at that time regularly with a recent heart problem should have a lot of TLC and the minimum other responsibilities, I'm afraid. It's really hard if you're on your knees as well. Have you got any capacity in you to spoil him. He might cheer up a bit if you can mollycoddle him a bit.
flowers It sounds really hard.

annandale Sun 10-Jul-16 11:43:15

Hells bells. I wouldn't give up on your relationship while it's all so hard. Also if you hate travelling you might not have been yourself either.

Homeowning ought to give freedom. Do you have a mortgage? Any prospect of retiring for him or you while you've still got good years ahead? Maybe voluntary work for him so he can do something he actually likes?

whatisforteamum Sun 10-Jul-16 11:58:39

True i dont normally go away and have only once in 12 yrs smile i love my home.The mortgage is paid off and the dd contributes to the income (not alot but a regular amount).I guess with my dm having incurable cancer and my df too then him having a heart attack a couple of yrs ago life has been all doom and gloom.watching them all have chemo and operations hasnt been fun for us the last few yrs.
He is only 56 which feels a bit young to thinking of slowing up.I had hoped we could enjoy all the hard work we ve put in for 30 yrs he just seems so distant.Good idea to spoil him though.I was a bit harsh not letting him become a patient when he had his attack as i didnt want him to mope about or give up.Food for thought and thank you all for the great advice smile

ApocalypseSlough Sun 10-Jul-16 12:25:03

Take care! Even sitting down and asking what he needs and whether retiring or going on the sick might cheer him up and make him realise he has options.

annandale Sun 10-Jul-16 12:28:15

Don't think of retiring as slowing up, think of it as a chance to enjoy yourselves! Sounds like it might be financially doable? What would you both like to do? Different jobs, volunteering, allotment, walking national trails, get a dog, get a snake, what....?

annandale Sun 10-Jul-16 12:31:06

Koi carp keeping, golf, beekeeping, local conservation volunteers, fostering, politics?

corythatwas Sun 10-Jul-16 13:00:55

Slowing down might not be forever. My dm was very weak in her early 50's, could hardly walk up the stairs. After retirement she perked up no end, has just come back from a fortnight's interrailing- and she is well into her 80s.

I have a dh in a very similar situation to yours, similar age, long working day (though in his case it is mainly the killer commute), also similar situation with sickly parents. Also different work patterns/body clocks, though not as bad as yours: not having any time at the weekend together sounds tough.

We are trying to accept, as a family, that this is just one of those hard times and that we will get through it, just as we have got through other tough times in the past. Dd(working age) and ds (teen) know that he is not available for lifts and that they have to arrange their life around that. We do call him on any rattiness, but try to do it lovingly.

whatisforteamum Sun 10-Jul-16 13:25:59

im usually too busy to notice i just feel lonely sometimes like there is no affection.we ve slept separately for about 14 yrs.Sometimes we smile about dhs quick temper though other times it is no laughing matter.I hope it improves now neither dcs need lifts and he needs to not be so soft either.

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