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Split with partner a month ago, having a wobble :((7 Posts)
Sorry it's so long. Were together six years. Not married, no kids - we were about to start TTC, thankfully hadn't yet.
Essentially we broke up when he came in one night after being out drinking all day and went off on one at me. It started because he had put a washing on before going out and I hadn't taken it out and hung it up.
Cue shouting at me why did I think I was better than doing this - repeated over and over because I just apologised and said I'd forgotten about it. He kept shouting that I had to answer him. I cried, that started the "stop playing the victim, why are you crying, this is your fault", etc. At one point he kept coming towards me although I was backing away and pushed me (lightly - not painfully) on the shoulders. It was scary though and at this point I was crying hysterically more or less and told him I had to get out of there.
He took my house keys. I pleaded and eventually he gave them back, I left and walked around for maybe 15 minutes or so trying to think of what to do. I saw he had texted me to please come home, then my phone cut out and I figured I didn't have much other choice as had no way of contacting anyone.
When I got back he was in bed so I went to lie down on the sofa, but he came through and just started shouting and swearing at me again. I can't remember all of the insults but the bit that's stuck in my mind was that I was a "self-serving cunt". He was asking me again and again why I thought it was ok to behave like this. I tried to ignore and tell him I wanted to go to sleep. My hands were covering my face as I was crying - he kept grabbing my wrists and pulling my hands away. Then he sat down beside me and was hitting me on the legs whenever I ignored him (again, not in a painful way but in the way a child would do if being ignored).
He then started shouting repeatedly at me that I had to leave and telling me I had to phone someone to come and pick me up there and then. I told him I would leave in the morning but it was after midnight and just to please leave me to sleep. He was saying as well that he was going to email my mum and tell her what I was really like. Eventually he gave up I guess and I went to sleep on the sofa, he went to bed.
In the morning I looked at my phone and saw the other texts he must have sent after my phone had cut out, which were quite unpleasant.
We talked, he didn't really apologise entirely but talked about how he is worried about his drinking and mental health. I don't think he remembered most of this happening so maybe that is why he seemed lacking in remorse, because he didn't realise the full extent.
Anyway, eventually, I told him I couldn't do this any more and asked him to leave, and he did. And that's it.
I realise it probably all seems extremely clear cut here and I am aware that this is not acceptable behaviour. But obviously I had thought about doing this so many times before and decided that the many good times outweighed the really horrible but infrequent ones. Now I am having a wobble and thinking that way again. He has been mostly very reasonable about the practical things, and fine with me staying in our home and keeping our cat which almost makes it harder - I can't reconcile it with the person who will shout and scream abuse in my face. It starts to feel like I imagined it or at least have exaggerated it in my head.
I'm not sure why I am posting, except that I have no one in real life who I would ever go into this much gruesome detail with. I think I need to record it somewhere for posterity, as well as someone to tell me I've made the right decision
Hi milky, you have not imagined this, or exaggerated it in your head. He was verbally abusive and pushed and grabbed at you, massive red flags.
He shows little or no remorse, another red flag.
I bet if you look back there will have been other occasions over the last 6 years, which you have forgotten or minimised. If this is the first time I can pretty much guarantee it won't be the last.
I ignored a very similar wake up call a year into my last relationship. He came in drunk and ranted in my face while I sat crying on the sofa. I minimised it the next day, but it was the first of many horrible horrible blow ups over the next four years, four years I spent walking on eggshells.Yes there were good times, but they weren't worth the damage to my self esteem.
Thank goodness you found out before you had kids or got married.You are definitely doing the right thing.
Hug for you, good luck x
you have made the right decision, trust me x
You have definitely made the right decision. You couldn't have imagined that behaviour, I know it's tempting to tell yourself that the good outweighs the bad but it doesn't. You don't deserve to be treated like that ever, he has no excuse.
I was only three years with my abusive ex and it nearly destroyed me. I think writing it all done and reading it back anytime you have a wobble is very therapeutic. As Resilience said there's probably other incidences, any time you remember one, write it down in the same place. I find anytime that I think it couldn't have been so bad, reading just a page of my diary tends to knock the common sense back into gear...
Thanks for your kind words.
It wasn't the first time, no need for thinking back. The time he threw my phone at a wall and the time I locked myself in the bathroom and he kicked the door in until the lock broke are the ones I remember best - because they were tangible things I suppose. Can't really convince yourself they didn't happen. He was usually 'sorrier' though.
Maybe if he had been this time I wouldn't even have decided this was it. I just feel so lonely and for the first time since we split, really want to speak to him
I know it's hard Milky but be honest with yourself why you want to contact him.
Do you want to hear him say he's sorry? If he were genuinely sorry then this wouldn't keep happening. Don't minimise it to yourself by saying the bad times are "infrequent", in a good healthy relationship the abusive times are never..
Do you want to hear him say he loves you? People who love you don't abuse you. End of.
Do you want him to say "Lets try again"? He may well do, to reel you back in again, but I can pretty much guarantee the cycle will repeat and repeat and probably escalate, until it's not just phones being smashed and doors being kicked in, but your self esteem in pieces and maybe your face that connects with a foot or a fist.
The fact that you are willing to think about contacting him again shows how much you have been conditioned already to think this toxic shit is normal and ok. It isn't ok, and once you step away and look back you will realise how far from ok it really was. Bin there, done that.
Please,stop, think and focus Milky. Is it really worth trading "being lonely" for "being in an abusive relationship"? You are worth so much more than that x
I suspect he knows as well as you do it's come to the end of its shelf life - usually at this point a strange calm comes over things as it seems to over him - its a kind of emotionless practical gear that you slip into - the emotions do come back around though which is why so many dysfunctional couples keep reuniting after a few weeks/months. It's the right decision for both of you. Wobbles are allowed but please don't act on them.
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