Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

How to get over being so bitter?

7 replies

twolittleboysonetiredmum · 27/06/2016 18:16

I'm going to attempt to cut a long story into a short one!
Ok relationship with mum - up and down, she's narcissistic and a social alcoholic (my diagnosis not her) is mellowing with age
Great relationship with older sister - similar age kids etc always got on well, slightly competitive when it comes to mums affections and attention (single parent family, blah)
My mum regularly has my sisters Chn, moved to be near them and away from us, very involved in their lives. And it hurts. I'm really bitter and it's affecting my relationships with both of them. It won't change, I don't want to confront it as I don't want my mum to do things out of me having a paddy but because she wants to. Which she obviously doesn't.
Basically - how can I get passed this? I want to keep things good between as, well, she's my mum and one day won't be here and for all her faults I love her and she loves us. And how do I stop it eating at me with my sister?

OP posts:

Report

GuybrushThreepwoodMightyPirate · 27/06/2016 20:31

That sounds hard. How was it presented to you when she moved away from you and towards your sister? Something like that will really sting. Poor you.

Report

twolittleboysonetiredmum · 27/06/2016 20:48

It was quite gradual really. They started looking 10 mins away, then 30 mins then found the 'perfect' house just down the road from her which is about an 1.5 hr trip from us. I've joked about it with them but they just laugh it off obviously and go on about how shit it is where we live. My sister did used to live 3.5 hrs away until about 2 yrs ago and even then my mum would go and stay with her and have her Chn for days on end. She's had ours for 5 hours max and would never have them over night.
It does sting. I don't expect them to do anything for us but it hurts to see it given so willingly to my sibling. And that lack of integration or interest in our every day lives that she has with my sisters Chn is really apparent. It's sad for our kids too as grandparents oh the other side are equally disinterested! Maybe it's us actually...

OP posts:

Report

GuybrushThreepwoodMightyPirate · 27/06/2016 21:05

Ouch. Is there any other reasoning like is your sis a lone parent and you have a partner so she is Sen as needing more support? I'm clutching at straws here. Of course it's impossible for everything to be meticulously equal between you and your sis but it's perfectly reasonable to want your mum to build a relationship with your DC as well as your sister's. Have you tried talking to her?

Report

twolittleboysonetiredmum · 27/06/2016 21:15

I have wondered that about other factors. She is married and is quite well off compared to us. Her DH works quite hard and has been quite hands off so it could be mum feels she is in need of more support I guess. But then that shouldn't equate to all for her and none for us I don't think...it's not about the help so much as the relationship though if that makes sense? But yes that explains it partly o think. She also likes my sisters lifestyle more - she shops a lot, has a big house, drinks/eats nice stuff etc whereas we're always skint etc (but very happy and surviving so not begging poverty all the time)

OP posts:

Report

twolittleboysonetiredmum · 27/06/2016 21:17

If I talk to her she'll interpret as me wanting childcare. She's always been very very against being burdened by us and only does things on her terms. So in asking you generate a situation in which she's doing you a favour and therefore she resents it. If that makes sense? So it would lead to her feeling 'pressured' I imagine to do things she doesn't want to and would make our relationship worse I would think.

OP posts:

Report

GuybrushThreepwoodMightyPirate · 27/06/2016 21:30

I know what you mean about it becoming as though you are expecting something, it's so difficult to express the 'I'd hurt like you to be around and build a relationship' type hope as it is all in the little things.
It sounds like you are being treated as the poor relation - literally.

Report

twolittleboysonetiredmum · 27/06/2016 21:35

Yeah it feels like that. But like I say it's really an issue I need to get past. As it is having a negative effect on my relationship with her and my sister as I get quite tense around them at times. And deliberately hold back from sharing things with my mum as I don't feel like she 'deserves' to know which makes me a knob as well. I do wonder if I could be more open then maybe it would help things. But until I get past the resentment I can't.