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What do I do if we can't agree?

(16 Posts)
GoldenOrb Thu 23-Jun-16 18:08:01

H and I still can't agree on a custody arrangement. It's been months now of fruitless, stressful conversations with no resolution. I have said that I want to go to mediation to discuss this and he has agreed to do this. However having watched the BBC2 programme in the week about mediation, I don't have much hope that the process will help much as it didn't seem from the programme to be terribly successful!

We have agreed in principle to try and get things sorted before the end of the summer so things are in place before the start of the new school term. Is this realistic given that we can't seem to agree? And if we can't agree and it ends up going to court, do we have to continue to live together or can one of us move out? And if that does happen, how do we arrange the custody then?

I can't continue to live like this. He doesn't want to split so has told me that it will have to be me to move out, which I'll do if we can sort out custody arrangements. We are planning to sell the house (neither of us can afford to keep it), so I would be ok moving out knowing that it would be sold in a few months anyway. I need an end point, but it feels a long way off.

Sorry for the ramble, no idea if this even makes sense!

KittyLaRoux Thu 23-Jun-16 18:12:55

What kind of custody arrangement does he want and what kind do you want? You can move out if thats what you want to do but he cannot force you or vice verser.

kittybiscuits Thu 23-Jun-16 18:15:44

Why should it be you who moves out? Who is the main carer? How old are the children? I'm sorry for you - it's horrible being the person designated to end the relationship whilst the other person gets to be obstructive and saysee they don't want it to end.

GoldenOrb Thu 23-Jun-16 18:30:20

KittyLaRoux - he wants 50/50, he won't budge from it. I would prefer a 70/30 or 60/40 split, he won't entertain that at all.

kittybiscuits - I feel I need to move out for my own sanity! If I don't move out, we will continue to live together (which is what he wants) and he will continue to drag his heels and we will be in this limbo hell for even longer. I don't think that it is fair that I should move out, I am the primary caregiver currently although he is changing his hours to make 50/50 possible. I would love to stay in the house with the children to maintain their stability but I cannot live with him any longer, and he refuses to move out and has said that because it is me who wants to split "I'm not going to make it easy for you by moving out". Kids are between 3 and 8

expatinscotland Thu 23-Jun-16 18:32:55

'I would love to stay in the house with the children to maintain their stability but I cannot live with him any longer, '

Then he'll be the primary carer. He knows this, too.

Mrskeats Thu 23-Jun-16 18:34:44

I know what you mean about the tv programme but I think the stats are something like 89% of couples sorting something out through mediation
They pick the nightmare cases to make good telly

kittybiscuits Thu 23-Jun-16 18:35:02

I would see a solicitor quickly if he is trying to change the current arrangements. I was main carer and forced my ex out but it was difficult. It's a horrible situation to be in.

kittybiscuits Thu 23-Jun-16 18:35:27

What expat said!

CommonBurdock Thu 23-Jun-16 18:38:46

It's very simple but very very difficult at the same time. You put the children's interests first, before yours and before his. The quicker you can do that the better for them.

What are his arguments for 50/50 being the best solution for them?

KittyLaRoux Thu 23-Jun-16 18:58:12

50-50 is not impossible and he us not been unreasonable to want it.
However he is BU to demand you leave the house.

Can you leave and take the children? As you said niether you or he can afford it on your own.

Dontanalyseit Thu 23-Jun-16 19:06:29

Get legal advice before you leave especially if you don't take the children as it might come back to bite you at a later date eg when you are sorting finances on divorce.

I would also be careful about trusting him to sell up even if he says he is in agreement. My exh doesn't live with us but is still managing to obstruct the sale of the jointly owned house as it is not in his interests to sell up now.

GoldenOrb Thu 23-Jun-16 19:26:30

To clarify, I wouldn't be leaving without the children. The plan would be that I would move into a rental property and the children would be with me there for whatever portion of time we eventually agree on, and they would stay with him (in the current family home until it is sold) for the other part of the time.

Then, once the house is sold he will also move into another property. Part of the reason for doing it this way was so that firstly things could be in place before school started back and also there would be fewer changes all at the same time (ie I would move and we would get settled and then H would move rather than both moving at the same time).

We are both preparing the house for sale currently. Presumably as I am on the mortgage I could ask to be taken off it if he starts to obstruct the sale?

GoldenOrb Thu 23-Jun-16 19:28:36

commonburdock his argument for a 50/50 split is one meta analysis which says kids who live with their parents under a shared custody arrangement have better outcomes than those who don't. Oh, and because that is what he wants.

GoldenOrb Thu 23-Jun-16 19:28:43

commonburdock his argument for a 50/50 split is one meta analysis which says kids who live with their parents under a shared custody arrangement have better outcomes than those who don't. Oh, and because that is what he wants.

Dishevelled09 Thu 23-Jun-16 19:48:22

I work at a mediation centre and would like to reassure you that the majority of cases are resolved. If the mediator you are placed with doesn't gel with you both ask for another but they ultimately are there to be non judgemental so it shouldn't matter. Good luck! Pm me if you want a bit more background.

CommonBurdock Thu 23-Jun-16 21:14:13

Well shared custody's all about quality not quantity IME. And about how the kids feel, what works best for them and their activities, friends, lifestyle. FWIW I've got a 30/70 split in his favour (his insistence, obv) and while it's absolutely not what I wanted, on balance it's probably the best thing for the DCs in our particular circumstances.

It's horrible to go through and I know there's a lot of guilt and stigma attached to being a mum who's not there 24/7, but the best thing you can do for them is create stability. I hope you manage to sort things out with him.

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