First of all, I have NCd for this post for anonymity. Will also change a few factual details. Sorry it is so long - don't want to drip feed.
My DH and I belong to a friendship group, the roots of which go back to his infant school days. He has stayed very close to a few friends from back then and 40+ years on, although the group is geographically very diverse and people have died/split off/moved on, there is still a very solid group there. They have married/divorced and us wives/ex wives and girlfriends have mainly formed an equally close bond, as have our many children who have all grown up together. Obviously within this large group there are smaller sub groups/pairswho do things independently of the larger group (family holidays, hobbies, etc), but the core group is still tight. The men go en masse for fishing breaks or to gigs, the women have girls nights/mini breaks and there are occasional house weekends where we rent a big property and as many of the 8 families who can make it will all join up there.
This is all great. I am so lucky to have walked into this group, but one particular female member is becoming increasingly difficult. She is outspoken and abrasive and is becoming embarrassingly grabby. One example is inviting all the women partners over to hers for a swim and sleepover (Lovely big country house with pool and annex) when the husbands were away at someone else's holiday home and then presenting each house guest with the bill for that weekends grocery shop and asking them to pay their share - the receipt included a giant pack of Persil and 48 toilet rolls! On that same occasion some overnight guests had to sleep on the floor while the rooms of her 3 DCs who were away at uni/working overseas remained unoccupied. On another occasion she invited a few couples round for dinner. We all arrived with flowers/wine/hostess gifts and were surprised to be presented with the local Indian takeaway menu but no matter- we all said what we liked, the food was delivered and a nice evening was had. The next day we got an email asking each couple to forward their share of the takeaway bill (about £4 a head) to her bank account.
The stinginess is bad enough, but her abrasiveness is getting wearing. In any chat about work/family/partner dilemmas she will present her opinion as fact and hector people in person and then by text or email insisting they follow her advice. One woman whose marriage broke down, but has remained in the group is regularly reduced to tears by the abrasive one constantly telling her 'Aren't you over him yet/you are weak to remain this angry/you are such a mess it's no wonder your DSs have left home" etc. She will pick up on and correct any minor statement she disagrees with in a very loud and patronising way and most of us have been reduced to going to the loo for a quiet cry at one time or another after a tactless tirade from her. She has also been known to correct the grammar and accent of one northern friend.
This has been a slow burn, she was always a big character but she has been gradually getting worse over the last 10-15 years. It has reached the point where she is discreetly but actively avoided. A couple of years ago someone arranged a girls weekend in France for a date it was known she couldn't make. At the last minute her plans changed and she delightedly texted she could make it - at which point 2 of our more sensitive group members pulled out. They just couldn't face another weekend of tension/walking on eggshells.
SO my dilemma is - I have been offered the free use of a very nice holiday flat in a lovely historic city for a weekend. It is only 2 weeks away so I assumed not many people would be able to come at such short notice but when I asked a few of the women who I saw at a party last week everyone of them said yes, as did another friend I saw separately. That gives us 7 - the most the flat can hold. It also makes it a whole group event..except for the awkward one who was working away so wasn't present.
So - do I text our abrasive 'friend' and invite her too? If she says yes, at best it makes the flat overcrowded and alters the whole atmosphere of the weekend but we will still have some laughs I am sure. At worst, some people will drop out and I don't blame them - she really is a downer, she can be very hurtful and very hard work to be around., I could end up hosting a weekend for someone I don't much like, whilst people I very much like stay away.
I know the simple solution is don't invite her - it's my party and all that, but our DHs have been close friends for so long we can't just quietly drift away from her. And I know how hurt I would be to be left out of a whole group thing so I wouldn't want to inflict that on someone else.
I KNOW this is a first world problem. I KNOW we are grown women and should be above this sort of thing, but it really is troubling me. I would really appreciate opinions and advice on how other MNetters have handled similar situations,
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
UNpopular group member dilemma
HelpwiththisFWP · 13/06/2016 11:16
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