Sick of DH's moods when he's tired

[FreyaFriday]

Whenever DH gets tired he gets in an absolutely foul mood, speaks to me like crap and is just generally horrible to live with. It's always aimed at me as he's fine with the kids but is snappy and uncommunicative with me.

He does things like makes out he hasn't heard me speaking, grunts in reply to me or ignores me, and snaps at me over everything.

He's been awful today, apparently he didn't get enough sleep last night, and I've had enough. He just snapped at me again and I asked why he is being so awful and he gave me a horrible sneering look and said 'What ARE you talking about?'. He always tries to gaslight me into thinking it's me that's in the bad mood!

I have just said to him that each time he's in a mood from now on then I will be in a worse mood. He ignored me but then a few minutes later went off to bed and tried to kiss me but I turned my head away and ignored him. It's making me hate spending time with him!

BTW, as I'm sure someone will ask, we both work full time. I also do the majority of the housework and childcare, and run a business part time from home.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

What are you going to do about it?

[Timeforabiscuit]

After 16 years i havent fully cracked it, but telling dh he is acting like a right knobber gets a five minute sulk and then an apology from him.

Do you feel you communicate well day to day?

[FreyaFriday]

Well he won't go to counselling unfortunately.

I agree about game playing being not a good idea but I just feel so angry about it all.

[ImperialBlether]

I'd tell him that you and the children want to live in a happy home and that he is ruining your chances of that, so if he doesn't change IMMEDIATELY then he can go and find somewhere else to live.

Time to get firm.

It's a win-win situation - if he improves, that's great and if he doesn't, you don't have to listen to him whine.

[Nephilim1964]

It seems to me, that you need to talk to DH about this. I left an ex after 18 years due to his bad moods. I was like you, working full time and taking on the bulk of the childcare and housework. It made me lose respect for him and that turned into loathing. By blaming you, he's not taking responsibility for his own behaviour and that is never good. My ex was always very generous and friendly with other people but treated me like crap. Is your DH like that?

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

He was horrible to you all evening, tried to make you feel stupid when you called him on it, ignored you, didn't apologise, then expected a kiss? Eh? That's not "being in a worse mood" that's actually an under reaction to someone being horrible to you. What do you normally do when he is being horrible to you, bake him a cake?

Also, why did you ask him what was wrong with him? Is it your job to fix him? Does it matter what is wrong with him? "Don't snap at me" is all that needs saying.

[FreyaFriday]

Yep that's him to a tee! Everyone else thinks he's marvellous!

I've tried talking to him but he denies there's a problem or just ignores me.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

He won't go to counselling. Of course not, what possible benefit could he get from it?

He has is it exactly how he likes it we both work full time. I also do the majority of the housework and childcare, and run a business part time from home. He feels shit, he can take it out on you, you let him. You still wash his pants and cook his dinner. He would normally still get a little kiss at bedtime. He has a great deal. Why would he want to get into renegotiations at counselling? He obviously doesn't care about your feelings, so really, what motivation is there.

You on the other hand have every reason to want to change the situation. Via a solicitor I should think.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

If he denies there is a problem does that mean there is no problem? Does that mean you have to accept it?

[FreyaFriday]

Oh I agree he doesn't care about me, just about himself :(

I know I have to do something as it's affecting my self esteem.

[FreyaFriday]

Yes, pretty much, RunRabbit.

It's always me apparently and I'm in a mood so am thinking he's in a mood.

[Dozer]

LTB.

Or failing that attend counselling alone to discuss why you're putting up with the entitled, grumpy gaslighter.

[Dozer]

Oh and stop doing so much domestic stuff - and childcare if you can and he's a decent parent - eg ignore his washing, don't cook for him etc.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

You are being played.

He has no interest in admitting there is a problem because he truly has no problem. Well, actually he has a problem with you demanding he behaves differently but he can easily deal with that ignoring and telling you that you are the one with the problem.

You do have a problem.

Your problem is his behaviour in your presence.

He refuses to change his behaviour. There is only one other element you can change.

Got any plans to change your situation?

[FreyaFriday]

At the moment yes, I do feel like I'd be happier without him as he just sucks the joy out of everything and puts a downer on the whole household :( He phoned me today and was just so joyless and monotone on the phone so is clearly still in a mood now.

[FreyaFriday]

It's the gaslighting that does my head in. All the time, him making me question and doubt myself and racking my brain to think what on earth I could have said or done to appear in a bad mood when I know it's him that's being moody. I just feel like I'm going round the twist. If I say to him "Don't be an arse" he'll just reply "You're the arse" when I've been perfectly decent, pleasant, polite and upbeat with him.

[Dozer]

So what're going to do about that?

[FreyaFriday]

I just don't know.

Feeling a bit crushed like I don't have any fight in me to take action and split with him.

[SandyY2K]

When he's moody just walk away. Don't engage in conversation. If he asks why you walked off - just say your not willing to speak when he's being moody and snappy.

Just walk away and he'll soon get it.

When DH and I would have a disagreement/argument he would raise his voice and speak in a patronising tone.

I just stopped responding and said until he stopped speaking that way I would not entertain any discussion.

[prettywhiteguitar]

God I used to go out with a moody joyless fucker, he was the father of ds1. I thank The Lord every day I don't have to put up with his sulks anymore.

They don't get better, you need to think about how much freer you would feel once you are not responsible for his moods

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

He has sucked all the fight out of you.

How many more years are you willing to live like this before you end it?