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Where to start? Sahm moving out with kids

9 replies

whambamthankyoumaam · 01/06/2016 13:11

Just looking for a bit of advice. I think me and OH are getting to a point where we may need to separate, which is really sad, but I'm not sure if there is any way to salvage things now. We've been together nearly a decade, aren't married and rent together, so not as complicated as it could be. However I left my job to raise our children (3yo twins), and so now am not in the financial position to just leave and start renting a place on my own. I have a part time job that pays next to nothing but it fits in with the boys preschool hours (they get the free 15 hours), but now I'm probably going to need to go back to work full time, and move them to a nursery full time, which is a shame as they love their preschool. Even with my salary I will have nothing from paying childcare x2 and rent. I know childcare is also OH's responsibility, but he only earns enough to cover our rent and bills so he won't be able to contribute. I just wanted to hear from others who may have been in a similar situation (if any), or if anyone has any advice. I've been googling for help but can't find anything that helpful really.

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Fourormore · 01/06/2016 13:14

Have you had a look on entitledto to see what tax credits/benefits you will be able to claim? Can OH move to a smaller/cheaper property so that he can contribute? Unless you're having them 50/50 then he will need to pay you child maintenance.

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Twistedheartache · 01/06/2016 13:26

Sorry you are going through this.
2 things that immediately spring to mind from your post are could you find a childminder to look after the two of them around preschool hours. It's good to have continuity somewhere in their lives so that might be a compromise. Assume they are not about to turn 4 and go to school in Sept?
Secondly - look at what you will be entitled to in terms of tax credits/childcare costs etc, especially if you work 30hrs a week. I was staggered by how much it was when I split with ex and was on maternity pay.
Also he will have to pay maintenance. I think it's 15% of income.
Good luck

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hellsbellsmelons · 01/06/2016 13:29

Get an appointment with CAB and see what you can get at benefits.
Tax credits, housing benefits etc....
And your OH will have to pay child support.
That's a given.
So you will get that too.
If he earns around £25K you should be getting £280 per month.

You say you MAY need to separate.
Why is that?
Have you tried relate or counselling to overcome your problems?
If he's abusive then this is not an option and you need to get out fast but can it be worked on?

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whambamthankyoumaam · 01/06/2016 13:44

Thank you all for your helpful comments, I will check out the entitled to website. We were claiming tax credits together, but due to a salary increase he got we now owe back £2k and so instead of receiving any tax credits we are just paying off what we owe.

OH is only earning £21k so money is extremely tight, which is a big issue with us and why I got the part time job. He's not abusive physically but he's certainly emotionally abusive sometimes. I think the lack of money, stress from having twins, and also just our personalities and what we're into isn't the same and has resulted in us getting to this point.

I'm pretty much a single mum already, or at least it feels that way, he does nothing with our children and so i already know how it'll be if i go it alone.

With OH's job I don't think childcare will be 50/50 as he works usually 5-6 days a week and can be all hours, but whenever he has a day off he would have them although I can see him passing them off to his parents a lot of the time instead of spending time with them.

They will be going to school September 2017, so I have over a year of full time childcare to pay. I do have a friend who is a childminder, but she wouldn't be able to pick them up and drop them off at preschool, but as they love her and her children maybe that would be an alternative option.

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whambamthankyoumaam · 01/06/2016 13:50

You say you MAY need to separate. Why is that?

I say may because he is currently not talking to me about things but has told me he hates his life and living with me etc. so when I told him I would move out he didn't respond. We have no relationship, and are just house mates, I slept on the sofa last night and he has done most nights before that. I do think we should probably split but have been plodding along ignoring the problems, and probably would have done so for a lot longer if he hadn't said something, but now he won't talk about it, just tells me he's miserable.

Have you tried relate or counselling to overcome your problems?
He would never go to counselling, and we can't afford to either. He doesn't open up about feelings to anyone and would hate talking to an external person about things. I also don't think we can really change from being the people we are, i think we just both have different interests and hobbies that neither one really cares for.

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hellsbellsmelons · 01/06/2016 14:24

Well if he's so miserable and you make him so unhappy you could do him a big favour and leave.
Get everything sorted before you do though.
Ensure he agrees to pay maintenance and get everything else in place.
From the sounds of it you will be happier apart.

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whambamthankyoumaam · 01/06/2016 15:36

thanks hellsbellsmelons

He'll be home in 3 hours so i am packing things to stay at my mums if he still refuses to talk today then I will just take the kids and go tonight. He's working the next 4 days so he can just have that time without us, then next week he can stay at his parents if we're still continuing to separate and I will move back in until I've sorted myself out.

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Stardust160 · 01/06/2016 15:49

To be honest 21k is a pretty decent wage unless you live down south near London with high rent prices. Minimum wage up here (North full time is 15k) It's abit daughting starting over but you might find your better off financially. You will get help with child costs via tax credits which will be a seperate claim to the one you have with your DP, you can arrange a payment plan seperate to the claim.You will also be entitled to housing benefits, council tax rebait, working tax credit as well as child tax and CHB. When I got my renewal pack as of next year the 15 free hours goes up to 30. Dont know if this includes holidays from school.

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whambamthankyoumaam · 01/06/2016 15:57

We live on the outskirts of London and he's only just got a pay rise, he's been on 19k and then got a 20k pay rise a few months back and then a promotion put it up to 21k, but where we live the costs mean it's not a good wage. His whole salary just covers rent £1k and bills, and a little food.

Yes they are piloting a scheme in this area to change the 15 free hours to 30 free hours childcare in September this year to any parents working 16+ hours so I suppose that would help. Thanks Stardust160