What to do - coming out of the fog

[WhyDelilah]

I have plucked up the courage to post this and I suppose I just want some reassurance that I am on the right road so to speak.
Been with DH since we were teenagers, both bad childhoods, his was more centred around rejection and maltreatment by his mother, mine was due to my dm's mental health issues/violence and her eating disorders. I now have a nice relationship with my parents but there is still some resentment about the past although I have moved on for my dcs sake.
Dh has always had issues and was violent to me early on in our relationship probably3-4 times but then never ever laid a finger on me after (which does go against the 'norm') but I am wondering whether other behaviours have replaced the physical stuff.
We had a pretty volatile relAtionship and I ended things A number of times and always went back.
He attempted suicide 16 years ago (before we got married etc)and he only just pulled through, we moved past it and got back together somehow. He had counselling a few years later and has never showed any signs of doing it again - although I think he is depressed generally.
When our first dc was 3 I decided that I could no longer be with him. He is really nasty, says the most hurtful things imaginable, jealous (but not outwardly), cold. It's so hard to define the reasons without sounding petty I suppose. But the main thing that stuck with me was that I felt like I never had a choice to be happy. Every time I woke up I would be positive and looking forward to the day ahead and he would spoil it one way or another. I never knew what was going to piss him off but everything important would get ruined.
After being apart for 2 years and maintaining the strength to go against all my family who were telling me it would ruin our dc's life etc I started to like him again, there was no pressure to get back together but our ds hated being away from me when he stayed with him even though I'm sure that would have eased in time. I decided to give our marriage another go. We had counselling for 6 months.
I had a second child.
Things are now even worse than before. His drinking became out of control so he stopped drinking in February - I thought that this was going to really change our lives but in reality he talks about when he will drink again all the time ( he said he would give up for6 months).
I am financially independent- I can manage without anything from him.
Over the weekend he decided to have a beer which I think has been the tipping point for me and I have had enough.
As an example of his behaviour:
I recently lost weight, whilst he was supportive at first, one day he told me that I was a terrible role model to our dd, that I had an eating disorder (I don't) like my mother (something which affected my entire childhood and I am desperate to be different for my kids).
He calls me names and constantly cristisises me. Calls me a liar/cheat/terrible person
He makes me feel guilty all the time about when I ended the marriage the first time and says that how any
Mother could do that to their child.
He is always unhappy
His workmates think he is great
I am crippled with guilt about the dcs if we split up. I feel maybe I can sacrifice myself for them growing up with both parents.
He is a good dad in some ways, but he is very harsh to our ds (no smacking but intimidating and bullying at times) I step in and cause more issues as I cannot let him talk to them like that.
I don't know what to do. I feel embarrassed. I feel like I have failed my children.
I am a very positive person and I am not depressed - I love being a parent, I have a great job, he is just like a fly in the ointment and I have tried to save him for so many years. He could have everything. I think maybe he projects his inadequacies onto me.
Any thoughts or perspective would be great.

[NoMarbles]

Well, firstly, I am sorry you've had to go through all of this, especially after such a bad childhood. You do not deserve to be treated this way.

Secondly, you cannot 'save' him. He is the only person who can control himself, his behaviour and his outlook. You are not responsible for any of it and you shouldn't have to sacrifice yourself for anyone, especially someone who clearly has no love or respect for you.

It sounds like you want to escape, what good will come from you staying? He obviously thinks he can get away with being so nasty, so that won't change, especially after all this time. If he's a big bully then staying will only damage your DC. Do not feel guilty for wanting to leave, do not feel guilty for protecting your DC because ultimately, that's what you need to do. Protect yourself and your DC from this nasty man.

It sounds like you're in a good position to get out if you're financially independent, and I would suggest giving women's aid a call and getting some advice from them.

Please remember, you have not failed your children! Of course no one wants their DC to grow up with separated parents but what will happen if you stay? What if he becomes violent towards you or them? He has already hit you in the past.

Like I said, none of you deserve that! You and DC would be so much better off away from him.

[Jan45]

You will feel a hell of a lot more guilty later in life for subjecting them to this awful vile situation, your OH needs professional help, or perhaps he's happy being a violent bully - why you stay only you know but if you want advice everyone will tell you the same - get out - now!

Kids love their parents no matter what when young, when they get older their memories will be the horrible nasty ones and they will understand better why you left.

[Jan45]

You are delusional if you think keeping your kids under the same roof as a bully and tormentor.

[Jan45]

.........is doing them a favour.

[QuiteLikely5]

You are in a very abusive relationship. That's your main problem.

Your children are witnessing this and even being subjected to it at times.

Your children have a strong change of repeating their dads abuse when they are older as you are setting the bar of what is normal in a relationship and personality wise.

The effects of abuse on children are increased anxiety, low self esteem, bed wetting, becoming bullies and the risk of their own relationships being disastrous when fully grown are very, very high.

You cannot save this man, you cannot change him, he will destroy all of you in a very subtle way if you stay together.

Your children will not be deeply scarred by you removing an abuser from the family home, they will be scarred if he stays.

They thinks his behaviour is normal so may well be quite fond of him but if you get rid of him please feel free to tell them the truth about their father in an age appropriate way. Let them ask questions and be as open and honest as possible. Be their safe person, their protective factor, their mother.................

[Summerwalking16]

If she LTB he will possibly have the kids 50% on his own with them?

[kittybiscuits]

It it highly doubtful that he is a loving and attentive father to the children and would want or get 50% contact. But Summer wtf did you post that?

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

My parents stayed together for the sake of the children. Fuckers. Absolute fuckers. I still hate them for making us live in that environment. I rarely speak to them. My siblings feel the same.

They weren't really staying together for us of course. Anyone with half a brain could see that it was an awful environment for children. It was just an excuse not to break out of their codependent nonsense.