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In desperate need of help...

(13 Posts)
Cemma28 Sun 22-May-16 21:14:06

Hi ladies (and maybe some gentlemen)

This is a long thread, so apologies in advance, but I am wanting some advice from other parents who don't actually know me personally.

I was engaged to the most perfect man for 4 1/2 years. I have two children from a previous marriage, and one child with this man. Our relationship was great; we were best friends as well as partners. We encountered a lot of pressure over the last few months; money worries, house worries... I do admit I did neglect my fiance's needs, both intimately and in general. We did begin arguing quite a bit, but always moved on.

Six weeks ago, he was offered a new job. I was very proud of him and encouraged him to go for it. It meant he had to attend a two week training course over 3 hours away, but he would be back for weekends.

He went off on his first week, and I noticed he didn't really contact me much. He Facetimed the children a few times, but didn't seem to want contact with me. We argued the whole of that week, as I was trying to hold down the fort, work full time all the while missing him so much. He came back at the weekend, and we sorted it out. We were very, very close, and told each other how much we loved each other and that we needed to make much more of an effort.

However, the second week was exactly the same. He'd promise to call me and 8, and then call at 9.30.

He came home again that weekend, walked through the door and told me he didn't love me anymore and didn't want to be with me. He said it was because the relationship had been hard for the past couple of months, and he couldn't be with me anymore. He moved out that day (my daughter's birthday) and moved 12 miles away to his mums.

Last Saturday, I asked him to come and see his son., in which he answered he didn't have any money. However, photos on Facebook appeared of him with a group of girls up where he had done his training; one of the girls was next to him in every photo and in one she had her hand on his leg. I felt devastated. When I challenged him, he insisted that nothing was going on and that they were just friends.

He has seen his son a handful of times. He came over a few evenings last week to see the children from 4pm- 9pm, and we actually got on really well. It was clear there was still love between us, and a strong connection.

However, yesterday he picked our son up and he had him for the day, which of course I was more than happy for. My friend then asked me if I wanted to go out for a few drinks in the evening, so I text my ex fiance asking if he had plans. He said no, so I said to him that he could look after our son for longer. he went off on one and started being quite abusive, then telling me he did have plans. When he brought our son back, he became very abusive in front of our son. He called me all sorts of names and told me I shouldn't be going out. He got right up in my face, so I pushed him away. He ultimately left, cursing at me.

His sister then start sending me messages threatening me, telling me if I stop my ex seeing our son then I will have all them to deal with. She also confirmed to me that my ex was always Facetiming and talking to this girl from where he did his training.

My parents looked after my son, so I still went out.

I have no idea what to do. I am heartbroken, angry, upset... I don't think he has enough money to take me to court. But I don't know what to believe, what to do...

Please help!

space2012 Sun 22-May-16 21:20:43

Sorry for your upset. I think you need to face up to the fact he is an arsehole. Could you forgive him if he apologised? It is unforgivable that he is treating your son like that, and for that I would not have anything to do with him. Also you have three kids, if you are, as you say neglecting him, it's probably because you are being a mother.

I would go and see a solicitor, you can get a free half an hour with one. There is also a free Woman's Support Solicitor you can phone up in the evening who give free advice.

You need to be strong............

Cemma28 Sun 22-May-16 21:22:51

Thank you. I will try the advice thing tomorrow. I'm trying very hard to be strong and positive. It is so, so hard. Literally this man was my world sad

RosieandJim89 Sun 22-May-16 21:27:21

He clearly isn't nearly as perfect as you thought. He was aggressive when you said you were going out despite the fact that he has clearly been out partying and having a good time with this girl. Sounds like you had a lucky escape. You may be struggling to see it now but in the long term you will be better off without him.

Cemma28 Mon 23-May-16 08:58:43

I guess he's not. I just don't know how to approach all this xx

hellsbellsmelons Mon 23-May-16 09:44:37

What would he take you to court for?
No way. He couldn't even change his plans for one night.
He will want his freedom to shag his new bit of stuff so no need to worry about that. Your DS will just get his way.
I would suggest mediation to get access in place to his son.
One evening mid week and then every other weekend is pretty standard.
If I was you I would offer him 50:50.
Call his bluff. He won't it so then you can go from there.

For now though, all contact is via email or text.
You don't need anymore of his verbal abuse.
And you only communicate about your DS and maintenance.

Do you know how much he is earning in his new job?
If so then see what he should be paying via THIS LINK
Tell him (text/email) you have worked out what he needs to pay each month and advise him whether you want it paid weekly or monthly.

Get onto the council and tell them you are now a loan parent.
You get a reduction in council tax.

Then get onto CAB and find out what benefits, tax credits, housing help etc... you are entitled to.

Start to get practical about things.
It will help you focus your mind instead of thinking about him and how he turned out to be an abusive arse.

After all of that.... Get onto Womens Aid. If you did not do the Freedom Programme after your last abusive relationship then get enrolled onto your next local course.

summerwinterton Mon 23-May-16 11:02:48

So he is an aggressive, abusive cheat. Dodged a bullet getting rid of this man I think.

Block his sister, report any threats to the police, definitely do the Freedom Programme, online if necessary, seek help from Women's Aid and ensure you are claiming everything to which you are entitled, including Child Maintenance via the CMS. And if he can't do a doorstep handover without abuse then contact centre it is for him too. And I am afraid to say you would be wise to get an sti test too.

Nonotmenori Mon 23-May-16 22:22:40

Hi Op,

How are you feeling today?

Cemma28 Mon 23-May-16 22:32:49


Horrid. I miss him so much. He has made no contact with the children. It seems he just doesn't care. I'm really grieving xx

springydaffs Mon 23-May-16 23:26:20

So sorry Cemma. No advice but feel for you flowers

newworldnow Mon 23-May-16 23:50:40

If you are NC then you are doing really well and should be proud of yourself.
He sounds horrific. Take the good advice given and take control. He doesn't deserve you.

Nonotmenori Tue 24-May-16 21:18:35

I'm sorry Cem. It's his loss. Are you doing things to keep yourself busy?

Bigmistake16 Tue 24-May-16 22:04:55

Op are you in the UK? If so see about legal aid. I am currently getting legal aid to help deal with --the cunt-- ex.
He too had ds one night I asked him to keep him over night as I was in hospital and he couldn't as he was out for dinner with ow.
Get a diary and write everything down for him not contacting you or contacting you. His troll of a sister everything if he does take you to court it will help!
I would stop dealing with him direct if you can and go through a lawyer/mediation will save you so much heartache.
But please please please don't bend over backwards at any point for him to see the kids because it will only hurt you and the kids when he let's them down which once he starts living a bachelor life he will.

Also massive hugs for you it's hard but uoi will get there xx

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