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Telling my parents I was sexually abused as a child

8 replies

WontLetThoseRobotsDefeatMe · 15/05/2016 22:39

Not sure this is the right place - if not, please redirect me MNHQ. I've recently been having therapy for anxiety and depression and through it have re-found several years of sexual assault I survived as a young teenager. It was carried out by someone who have me lifts to far away football matches and who I repeatedly reassured my parents was really nice.

I now realise that everything he did was manipulative - he was doing me a favour by driving; he bought me bacardi in my coke so no one would know; he'd make me talk about worries till I cried then tell me he would make me feel better; he'd text me from outside my house saying he'd driven to see me "but it's your choice"; he took me out for dinner and bought me drinks. Then he'd drive us to remote places, take me into the backseat and kiss and touch me. He always said I clearly wanted it because I was physically aroused - so he wasnt making me do anything. I was 14, a virgin and had no idea about anything, let alone any self confidence.

I'm trying to be open - my gorgeous lovely DP knows. I need to tell my parents - how do I make sure they don't blame themselves?

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merville · 15/05/2016 23:05

Bump

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goddessofsmallthings · 15/05/2016 23:12

May I ask why you "need" to tell your parernts? Are to planning to report the paedophile who preyed on you to the police, or have you aleady done so?

Right minded parents will inevitably blame themselves for having been taken in by a seemingly charming and well-mannered predator who appeared to have their dc's welfare at heart while exploiting their, and their child's, naivety for sexual gratification but, in truth, they have nothing to reproach themselves for and neither do you.

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Pinkerbeller · 15/05/2016 23:14

You can't make or not make them feel anything, you can only be honest with them. You deserve that and they deserve that if you have a good relationship with them. The only person in the wrong here is the perpetrator of the abuse.

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WontLetThoseRobotsDefeatMe · 15/05/2016 23:21

I need to so I can be honest about how things are going in my life.

I was honest at work and have been manipulated into resigning but I still feel like honesty is better than the years of deception my depression caused.

I'd rather be honest than fake - that's something I've learned this year.

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madamedesevigne · 16/05/2016 06:50

I don't have any useful advice, I'm afraid, but I just wanted to say that I admire you hugely for what you're doing. It takes some serious courage. You're the best person to know how they are likely to react - it may be difficult for everyone to deal with at first but hang in there. Hope you're taking your vitamins, Yoshimi!

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dreame · 16/05/2016 07:17

If you repeatedly reassured your parents he was nice, it was because they had some concerns. That can be something you let them know: he was an abuser and with that comes with manipulation of who he's abusing. Assuming they really didn't know, then they did their part and couldn't have known you were being manipulated.

Telling your parents is a big thing and their reaction is a big thing too. I would recommend doing it a day or two (max) before a therapy session (not the day after one) so you can discuss their reaction - whatever it is - with someone who has an idea how to respond and knows your situation. If you've stopped the therapy I'd maybe arrange a one off session as a backup.

Think about what YOU want from telling them. You have said you want to be honest. But are there other things? Is part of you a bit angry that they didn't realise you were being manipulated, for example (and it doesn't have to be, but it also can be even if it's not logical)? Or something else? It might be worth looking at any feelings you have about telling them before you do. And the same with the type of reaction you want from them, or expect from them.

I'm not implying it should or will be a hysterical drama! More that there will be lots of emotions on all sides and as it's you this happened to, some of these things might help to stabilise you in the face of their reactions - supportive or not.

Or they might be irrelevant for you. Only you know what you want and you should do whatever makes you feel good and strong - even if you think it might be selfish. You're allowed to be when it comes to these things.

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Realitybitesyourbum · 16/05/2016 08:07

Why would you tell your work something like this and so personal. Why would they need to know!

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WontLetThoseRobotsDefeatMe · 24/05/2016 15:19

Dream Your advice was invaluable - thank you.

And to everyone who's been there. Thank you. I'm not chatty, but it's been amazing to feel that there are non judgemental people who care. Thanks again.

Reality because I'm an idiot. They asked me to be honest after my first bout of depression and breakdown. I was. It's been turned against me and I'm nowhere near as naive. I'm more angry with them, tempting as it is to beat myself up about it. Fuck that - I'm worth more than being picked apart about my health at work.

Taking control, even though nothing has been resolved,has been strangely and wonderfully empowering.