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horrible cheating ex

(11 Posts)
theheadthetailthewholedamthing Sat 14-May-16 01:59:38

I'm crushed. Found out my ex had an affair and whilst we were on holiday together he was calling her. He took her to all the same places he took me to like the same Restaurant for her birthday as mine, same London show. We split because he was so horrible on the holiday I mentioned I chucked him out. According to the ow he had told her he didn't love me and was no longer together but we was. Since splitting a year ago I left him alone had counselling tried to get on but he pursued me the whole time. He wouldn't let things go and I had no idea about other woman. At the beginning of this year I had message from her with a photo of them together and was so upset. He played it down and I accepted he had a right to a relationship despite the fact he had been still dating and intimate with me. I wished him luck and was starting to date but he called me on one date and told me he had broke things off and wanted to try again have counselling together and I admit I was keen. I found out from her after that he had booked a trip to New York with her which was where we went for a trip so I was again really upset but he claimed to be going alone. He face timed me in New York lots of times convincing me he had gone alone. After all this I have just found out he went with her and they was still together the whole time including what I said at the beginning during our relationship. I'm absolutely heart broken as to top it off he is now being so cruel and not sorry he doesn't care how much I'm hurting and takes no responsibility !? I'm wondering why this is ? He has been dumped by me and her but he is being nice abut her and not about me saying she didn't deserve it but I did. Apparently I deserve to be cheated because o didn't get dinner on the table everyday ? So I'm feeling pretty fragile I understand his immense guilt and the anger is a cover for that but it's more the why he done it all ? I can't get my head round why? I had let him go he could have moved on. I get no answers from him just - leave me alone. Cut me out. I'm no good. Stay away. ??? I feel like I'm struggling emotionally now not to sleep or eat. I have some CBT therapy coming up in a few weeks thank god. And to be clear no way do I want him back. Just wondering if others have come across this nasty cold behaviour when a man has been caught out cheating ? And will there be remorse at some point. I'm wondering what other steps I can take to get through this.

chocolatemuppet Sat 14-May-16 07:29:39

Sorry you have been through this. NC is the only way. You don't need to give him any air-space whatsoever. Block his number / email / social media and move forward.

theheadthetailthewholedamthing Sat 14-May-16 07:46:55

Thanks chocolate I am just finishing a night shift which has been hell as I was unable to sleep before hand through anxiety. But I haven't tried to go on any social media as I deactivated those yesterday. I haven't texted him but haven't blocked the number yet because I want a sorry text but your right it wouldn't help even if I had a text saying sorry. I guess I will never know why he done this? Weird sad

TheNaze73 Sat 14-May-16 07:47:23

As above, you need to go completely cold turkey with him. I think you'll be struggling, if you're looking for remorse. He really doesn't care about it

theheadthetailthewholedamthing Sat 14-May-16 07:50:41

Yes Naze your probably right. He only cares that he got caught and looks stupid

mickyblueyes Sat 14-May-16 07:54:12

He sounds like a bit of a Narcisisst to me...have a read up about narcissistic personality disorder. He might not have a full blown disorder but some of the traits might make you understand what you are dealing with.

Optimist1 Sat 14-May-16 08:01:47

He messed with your head for x years/months/weeks - stop all contact with him and don't let him continue his messing for another moment longer! (Yes, you'll find him popping into your thoughts and wondering "What if..." and "Why..." but push those thoughts away and it soon becomes habit not to give him any headspace.)

pippistrelle Sat 14-May-16 08:04:33

I understand his immense guilt and the anger is a cover for that

I wouldn't say there's much evidence of guilt, but you're right that people often respond with anger when they're caught out behaving badly. They also try to deflect t the blame onto someone else because, for most people, it's hard to accept that they're the bad guy, even when it's patently obvious.

It's possible he might have an epiphany and want to apologise at some point in the future but it's unlikely, and frankly, by the time that happens, it will probably be irrelevant to you. You must feel very hurt and betrayed right now, but ultimately, you've had a lucky escape in some ways: he is not worth any more of your time or energy.

theheadthetailthewholedamthing Sat 14-May-16 08:19:52

Yes thanks for the advice so far everyone I have thought him a narcissist very much so. This has given me the push to hate him and cut him off that I think I needed so despite the painful feelings it's probably a positive thing

theheadthetailthewholedamthing Sat 14-May-16 08:35:02

Yes I feel totally betrayed and yes to a lucky escape.

Summerlovinf Sat 14-May-16 08:38:21

Agree w PP....Immense guilt = immense toys thrown out of pram because he doesn't like being found out and not getting his own way any more

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