OH and I have been together 3 1/2 years and have twin boys (7 months) through IVF - I know he loves them to bits but not sure how he feels about me.
He has been very stressed at work but I'm so fed up of him moaning at me for not doing things or doing them wrong; his latest strop yesterday involved him completely turning the nursery upside down to 'tidy' it as he doesn't like clutter. I did ask him to look after the boys for an hour or so last weekend so I could do it, but he wouldn't, said he was too tired. He never looks after them for more than half an hour on his own, so has no idea how time consuming it is to keep both of them fed, entertained etc whilst trying to do things round the house too.
He wants me to 'stop spending and buying things' despite the fact that his family are well off and everything I buy for the boys is from ebay/ Facebook, they very rarely get anything brand new. All their clothes are bundles which I box up and use when they get to the relevant size. I haven't bought anything new for myself for a year (and that was maternity trousers!), I'm so desperate to get my hair cut (last done in December!) but can't face the comments I'd get about spending money I don't have. I don't see friends much any more as I can't justify the cost of going for meals with them on my own, and he'll only have the kids at specific times when he can take them to his mum's anyway.
The other evening he was over an hour late home from work, I tried phoning but his phone was switched off. When he got home the boys were already asleep and I explained that I'd been really worried. He told me that I 'should have known' that it was his dead girlfriend's birthday and he was visiting her grave - why he couldn't have told me that earlier in the day I have no idea.
OH is 45, she died when he was 21 in a motorbike accident, which is very tragic but a long time ago; we've discussed this several times as I think that he should still see a bereavement counsellor as it seems to affect him so much. He refuses and says it doesn't, but it feels like because she died she can do no wrong, no-one can ever live up to what she was like. He never voluntarily tells me that he loves me and didn't even seem particularly worried when I had a horrific birth and almost died myself.
Despite having two lovely DC I feel like I will never be good enough, I'll always be second best - in fact third after a previous girlfriend that he was with for 9 years but split up with because she didn't want children. Today in particular I'm really down about it and wonder if I should just give up and move into the nursery with the boys; it doesn't matter what I look like or how tidy the house is, it won't be good enough. I don't want my boys to grow up feeling the same but have no idea how to improve things when he won't acknowledge that there's an issue.
Thank you for reading, I feel better for getting that off my chest!
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Nothing I do is good enough - do I keep trying to explain how I feel to OH?
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RubySlippers77 · 09/05/2016 10:36
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