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marriage going down the toilet

(7 Posts)
sunbeam123 Sun 08-May-16 12:38:45

Things haven't been great with H for a while now, if I'm honest for years. Things get said, get swept under the carpet and we plod along. 

We have been married for 11 years and together for 2 years before we got married, I was 21 when we got married and a 10year age gap! 

Things changed after we got married like he had me so he didn't have to try anymore. The affection started to disappear and he started pulling away from me. Out of the blue just stopped kissing me (proper kissing)

Back in 2010-11 I was miserable and wanted out but as I had never been alone before I was scared to and being a single mum on a low wage. 

2011 he had his head turned and had a affair and we separated for a few weeks. I didn't know this for a few months after (had suspected but no evidence and he wouldn't admit) 
After the truth came out he tried a lot harder and our marriage was getting a lot better I was happy again. 

Things started cropping up like porn DVDs recorded off in random places. This is from the guy who never watched porn. Everytime I found one he would be lovely for a few months. 

Things have got pretty dyer now. He spends all his time on his xbox or the PC or watching football. Constantly, I can't get him for 5mins to help with something without being told to hurry up. This seems to rule his life. 
Yesterday after a full day of watching football he suggested watching a film all together. Well me and DC were but he was on his iPad watching football. 

Me and the DC are getting neglected. 

No affection from him what so ever, I go to kiss him and he turns the other way. No anything. No passion in the bedroom. It's like he doesn't want to be here at all. Yet I ask him and he's happy!

He's making be miserable, I need to talk to him but he doesn't want to talk about all this again as its all in my head. Because of this I've been bottled it up since before Xmas and am now at breaking point.

I'm torn between just ending it and trying to have one last conversation and if nothing changes I want him to leave. I can't carry on like this. 

I have spoken to him in the past and he promises he will change, nothing happens then I bring it up again and get told I will change in my own time! 

We have tried getting out more and doing things but as soon as we get in the car the road rage shouting and swearing starts. If we walk he's constantly getting wound up and shouting at people for driving and texting. Or just walks on ahead. It's just too much hard work. 

He's just wrapped up in his own little world, won't make conversation with me, never asks about me or DC. When he does talk to the DC it's always met with that's rubbish (joking but constant) 

I want to give him one last chance to change but how can you make such a self obsessed person who can do no wrong change. Or listen without being in my head.

Since bottling it all up I've noticed in the last 5 months we have a lot more bad days than good. 

Rarity75 Sun 08-May-16 12:47:11

Oh my, that sounds like a horrible way to live.

You have given him chance after chance to change. What will one more chance do? As you said he is happy. You have threatened to end things before and you are still 'together'.

It sounds to me like this is the reality of a relationship with him. Your options are to either accept that this is it for the rest of your life. Because basically you and your DC's aren't as important to him as himself. Or get out. Scary yes but, you are worth more than this and so are your children.

I sincerely hope you make a change
Good luck op flowers

cocochanel21 Sun 08-May-16 12:50:13

I'm sorry I couldn't live like that with DH.
Your DH sounds a selfish bastard.
Do you have any family near

Hillfarmer Sun 08-May-16 13:02:46

Hi OP,
Sounds like he is pretty nasty to you and the dcs. He has withdrawn affection from you, ignores you, dismisses your feelings and generally shows you no respect. Is this what he considers to be ok behaviour towards your life partner and mother of your children?

I don't know how you give him 'one last chance', unless you actually say to him 'I will be going to see a solicitor and making an application to divorce you. If you honestly do not want me to do that then you tell me exactly what you will be doing to make this marriage work.' The truth is you have been doing all the work in the relationship and he seems to believe that he has to do none at all. How is this likely to change?

Costacoffeeplease Sun 08-May-16 13:04:01

He sounds vile, you've tried numerous times (way more than I would have done, he'd have been out after I found out about the affair) do you really think 'one last chance' will make him change?

He doesn't care - just skip to getting rid of him, there's no point flogging a dead horse

In a year's time you can either be making your life for yourself and the children, or stuck in this life of rinse and repeat

sunbeam123 Sun 08-May-16 13:07:57

Yes I have family close although I don't think they will support me they come from a put up and shut up attitude. But I have some friends who will no doubt support me.

I am starting to make changes to my life to make me a better person and I do want change. Either he changes or we will do this without him. It's taken me years to not be scared and have the courage and it's with him or without him.

I have spoken to one friend and she's aware some of this has been bottled up for years as I've never spoken to him about it. She thinks I should tell him everything for my sake of not his give it a chance even if it's a small amount of time and when nothing changes that's the time to go!

We have got some financial things to sort and I'm not prepared in that way so ducks in a row is the next move.

sunbeam123 Sun 08-May-16 13:20:45

Our financial situation is a bit complex.

We had to move recently due to a crime and get out from where we were and moved across the country from his hometown back to mine. Property prices were cheap where we lived before and are expensive here so we had to borrow some money. If was a loan agreement but the agreement never got drawn up so he could just walk away and leave me with the money owing.

The agreement finally got signed this week. Once it has been passed to the solicitor I will be in a better position.

It's all very complicated and I do need financial advice so I am going to call tomorrow and make a appointment before I can do anything.

I just need to sit tight a little longer!

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