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So it's over, what now?

(6 Posts)
WonkyCastle Thu 05-May-16 12:39:13

Yet another conversation turned into a row this morning, and in the middle of it I told H I think we should both agree to call it a day. Surprisingly, he agreed (surprising because he has always resisted my attempts to talk about it before).

So, where do we go from here?

We are in the middle of a huge renovation, so selling current house out of the question for the next year or so. He wants to wait, and carry on as we are, and finish build etc, then sell and tell the dc. Whilst this makes sense financially, I'm not convinced it is the best plan. We are looking at needing to move out, potentially, for the next 6 months or so (build dragging on far longer than it should have, and living here kitchenless for that much longer is not looking viable), and I think moving out, then back to 'our' house, then selling that house and telling children we are splitting, all within 12 months, would be hugely disruptive. Dc are 11, 9 and 3, all with various severity of ASD, and I think they would struggle with all that change and upset coming close together.

Anyone got any ideas? I just can't think my way through this right now. I didn't want to deal with it this way, but the build is dragging on, and we can't go in as we are for much longer (which is why adding a further year of it seems madness to me!)

LongDaysHotNights Thu 05-May-16 13:45:14

Can you move out into rented with the kids now, tell them that you're splitting and start making a life for yourself? Meanwhile H can live in the house while it gets done up. If he has to eat microwave meals and wash up in the bath then so be it.
I have just moved into a rented flat, H is still in our house, we need to finish off doing it up, new kitchen including minor build works and a new bathroom, new carpets that sort of stuff but H will still be living there whilst this goes on.

WonkyCastle Thu 05-May-16 15:17:08

I'm not sure H would agree to that. It does seem the best way.

He is worried about losing contact with the dc. He has been divorced before, and contact was not always straightforward.

I have no intention of messing him about, but he has already all but accused me of wanting to do so.

He wants to delay selling our house until we can find two properties to buy close enough together to satisfy his criteria. I think that is unworkable. He is hung up on thoughts of how it was before - he and ex lived in London so crossing the city to pick up on a Friday evening took over an hour, and ate into Sunday afternoons because of having to drop off on time etc.

We don't live in London anymore, so unless he intends moving town that is never going to be the same issue. I cannot move out of current county due to eldest dc's Statement of SEN. Realistically, given location of schools (soon to be 3 dc at 3 different schools, and that will stay that way until eldest leaves school), that means me staying in current town. Fine by me. But from one side to the other is maximum 10 minutes by car. So waiting unhappily to find properties close together seems nonsensical.

Bluecarrot Thu 05-May-16 15:24:55

Noone needs to buy right now. Rent like previous poster says.

Staying together for sake of house renovation will not be healthy for anyone.

Joysmum Thu 05-May-16 15:58:06

I'd continue with the renovation before selling if that's what's right in your local market because I'd want as much money going forward as I could.

If you can't amicably share the home whilst doing so, take the rent expenditure I to consideration (as well as upturn in house prices for buying again if your will be doing so) when make no the decision whether continuing the work is the best option financially.

WonkyCastle Thu 05-May-16 16:34:37

It isn't healthy to stay together for the renovations, no. We have already stayed together too long as it is, for various reasons. But that needs to end now.

We couldn't sell the house as is - we are part way through a huge build/extension. There is no kitchen, only one working bathroom (yes, I know how that sounds, but it's a large 5 bedroom house, with what will be 3 bathrooms plus downstairs loo) and currently only 2 habitable bedrooms.

I don't think H would agree to staying here while the rest of us move out, and we certainly couldn't afford mortgage plus 2 lots of rental. We live in commuterville, so prices are sky high.

There is money there for a rental, but H is sole earner so would resent paying it for us to move out, I should think.

I have (happily) managed 5 months without a kitchen already, but we have hit a huge snag and now the build looks like it will rumble on for another 6-7 months and it is becoming unworkable with 3 dc who all have food issues (ASD related) and are gluten/dairy free.

Part of me thinks he wants to delay it all in the hope that the impetus will go, and post end of build we can rumble along for a few more years, but I really have had enough.

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