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Ever had a man who had a funny way of showing he liked you?

(18 Posts)
missdefied Tue 03-May-16 22:28:36

I have a new boyfriend, and I know he really likes me as he shows it in lots of ways but the "traditional" ones that I expect him to show it are sometimes lacking.

Like he often doesn't reply to texts and chooses going out with friends over me and forgets little things sometimes.

On the other hand he does a lot of brilliant things that show his affection and how much he really likes me in other ways.

Anyone had this before?

springydaffs Tue 03-May-16 22:40:01

He chooses his friends over you and doesn't answer your texts? He doesn't like you that much then.

He probably likes you as a kind of object, a sort of teddy he can play with now and again. But not part of his real life.


52dietname Tue 03-May-16 22:44:35

A man that chooses friends over me? Yes, of course. The same way I sometimes choose friends over a man. Otherwise you'd have no friends, wouldn't you?

You can like/love someone perfectly well and still have friends.

Does he not reply to important texts or just inane chatter?

Personally I can rarely be arsed with the latter so I may well do this...

annandale Tue 03-May-16 22:46:27

Over the course of a few years I was assured by many friends that an on/off boyfriend 'really really likes you'.

Apparently he showed this by frequently breaking up with me, shagging other women and not wanting to see me more than once a week even when we were supposed to be going out. I still don't really know what my friends meant, but I know what his actions meant.

Having said all that - I don't think people have to be joined at the hip to have a relationship. Slightly odd to regard responding to texts as 'traditional', and I have always gone out separately from partners on a frequent basis. So I guess he might actually like you, but not like you to the exclusion of everything else in his life.

missdefied Tue 03-May-16 23:00:51

Sorry I probably did not phrase the post very well and made him sound bad. He does a lot of things to show he likes me. Like remembers important things, supports me when I need it, was keen from day one to meet my family and have me meet his, his friends have told me he is absolutely love struck. He's talking marriage and all the important stuff and he does so many lovely things to show me how much he cares.

He always replies to important texts but sometimes doesn't want to chatter even when he's not doing anything and he doesn't phone much either. He makes plans without thinking ahead about whether or not he can see me or whatever. I have told him he is the worst boyfriend ever and we laugh at how crap he is. He is kind of not really a people person generally but I know he likes me and probably loves me but he just does not show it in quite the same way other people often do.

WriteforFun1 Tue 03-May-16 23:05:13

I never made plans accounting for boyfriends, if I wanted to see a friend on a Wednesday or a Saturday I just sort it
Or constantly natter by text or phone
I'm an introvert, it feels like overkill to me when people expect that.

52dietname Tue 03-May-16 23:05:35

He doesn't sound like 'the worst boyfriend ever'

How long have you been dating? Are you at the stage where he needs to consult you about making his own, personal plans? Do you live together? If not why should he consult you?

52dietname Tue 03-May-16 23:06:08

And some people don't like the phone.

missdefied Tue 03-May-16 23:10:19

Three months.

I am not saying I want him to run it past me when he does things, but we live 30 miles away and both have kids, so some degree of coordinating calendars is required for us to actually see each other and he is a bit of a last minute planner and also a bit inconsiderate - not in a terrible evil way but in a bit of a unaware sort of way.

He's great and everything, he invites me to things and makes me feel good in so many ways but he is just a bit inept at some things and is always going to be like that.

We've chatted about this and he absolutely agrees he is rubbish with certain things and I am not saying I am going to split up with him or anything but just wondered if anyone else had husbands a bit like that

Naicehamshop Tue 03-May-16 23:15:53

TBH I think you may well find that he isn't actually all that bothered about your feelings, and it will almost certainly get worse.
Take note of what he does, not other people's opinions.

52dietname Tue 03-May-16 23:17:32

So why don't you suggest weekends for the next six months - agree them with him and put the dates in your diaries. Why - knowing he isn't as organised as you like to be - fall out over it rather than organise together?

It sounds like you're trying to find problems. It's been three months for goodness sakes. And unless that's a typo, 30 miles is nothing!

I think it's a bit sad you think he is 'rubbish'. I think he sounds very normal and sensible given you barely know each other yet. Do you both agree you're 'needy' and 'hard work'? wink my point is you're just different

The thing I would worry about is mention of marriage!! Far too soon. Madness

52dietname Tue 03-May-16 23:19:55

Also you're asking if anyone has husbands like this - maybe they do but what good is a comparison of a marriage with a few months of dating? Totally different

TheNaze73 Wed 04-May-16 07:46:43

I think you're being a bit harsh on him & maybe need to talk about what you need. I would choose friends over a new partner, at the start of a relationship. People that drop their friends the minute they get a new partner, do my head in. As for the texting have you spoken to him? Are you a frequent texter? I've been with people previously who text 10/15 times+ a day. It's draining. If I was out with friends, I wouldn't reply either.

It's only been 3 months & I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh but, let the relationship breathe, give him space & see what happens. If you need a clingy bloke, I'm sure you'll find one but, you'll soon be bored & be itching for him to see his friends after a while

Cabrinha Wed 04-May-16 07:56:05

I thought this was going to be a funny thread - you know, where we post that we knew it was love because he always brought a fresh tripe home every third Tuesday of the month grin

Instead it sounds like you have an in attentive boyfriend that you're actually not happy with and you're trying to pretend that you are and are hoping if you post people will agree.

Good luck if you're already making excuses for behaviour that you don't like at 12 weeks in.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who ignored my chatty texts in the honeymoonest of honeymoon periods. I take the point from another poster that some people are introverted and don't want all the chat. That's fine. But you do or you wouldn't be sending them. If you like a bit of text chit chat, find yourself a boyfriend who (a) likes to chat and (b) wants to chat with you.

You just shouldn't be "joking" about someone being a "crap boyfriend" 12 weeks in.

You wait - those jokes will turn soon when you realise that what you've actually done is settle for... a crap boyfriend.

pallasathena Wed 04-May-16 08:18:22

Some people just like to be relaxed about keeping in touch and some people like to have a permanent running commentary operating via text or phone. The former are probably busy individuals, secure in themselves and breezy in attitude. The latter are usually obsessives and a tad on the controlling side.
Generalisations, in both cases, but you are coming across as dissatisfied and wanting to 'change' him o/p.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Wed 04-May-16 08:37:33

Sorry for a sweeping generalisation because I generally hate it when other people make them, but in my experience with my friends, male and female, men don't "do" text chatting. They tend to use it to make an arrangement and answer specific questions. They just don't do "chatting" via text.

I see this whenever I am out walking down the street or in a pub. I see loads of women on their phones, mostly texting, sometimes talking, but rarely see men doing it.

Cabrinha Wed 04-May-16 09:00:38

My fiancé is Mr Chit Chat. In fact my phone just pinged now with some through the day chat from him. I love it. We're not obsessive or controlling - just well matched.

The issue here isn't that someone should or shouldn't chat - it's that if you are a chatty type and that's an important thing to you, then brushing under the carpet at 12 weeks that your boyfriend doesn't meet that need just isn't a good idea.

cherrybomme Wed 04-May-16 09:55:09

Check out my recent thread, 'he's gone tepid, should I cut my losses' or something , is he like the guy in my thread or is he offering a reasonable level of communication?

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