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Am I too codependent or is he too independent?

(10 Posts)
Lynnealexandra Tue 03-May-16 03:40:20

Here's the basics; As of about 3 months ago I got into a relationship with my boyfriend. He's 21 and I'm 26. We're both full time students.

When we first got together we really hit it off. However the honeymoon period seemed to fade after a month (a little disappointing but that's just how it goes!). Since then I've been feeling somewhat underwhelmed by our relationship and even insecure to the point where I'm asking myself if it's worth sticking with.

When we're apart I respect his space and he respects mine as we both have uni work to do. But we go days without speaking or if I send him a message I don't get a reply until hours later. This has perturbed me from sending him messages because I feel like I'm being a pest (my own insecurity talking no doubt!) I recently spoke to him about it and his response was that he's just laid back. He also mentioned 'if the relationship works it works, if it doesn't it doesn't' which upset me because I feel as though he isn't as serious about the relationship as I am. I'm not expecting marriage or children any time soon but it would be comforting to know that he cares about where this relationship is going.

As a side note, he can be affectionate but often lacks passion or spontaneity. When I'm with him we rarely kiss passionately unless sex is involved but I enjoy spending time together just watching a tv show or cooking a meal. The real issue is that I feel our relationship lacks that passion and this lack of passion mixed with his laid back attitude makes me question whether he's committed to the relationship or if he's just not mature enough to be in one.

I can be independent but I haven't felt insecurity like this in a long time. Am I expecting too much or is his laid back attitude too laid back? Any advice on how to handle this would be appreciated. I just don't want to waste my time. Thanks smile

Aussiebean Tue 03-May-16 04:01:42

Sounds like he is a typical 21 year old who is with someone for now.

He doesn't sound that much into a serious relationship with you which is not surprising really.

You two are at different points in your life. I would move on.

Lynnealexandra Tue 03-May-16 04:04:25

My gut instinct is telling me something similar. I think the age difference is evident! Thank you.

KittyWindbag Tue 03-May-16 04:26:33

If after just 3 months you don't feel any passion, I would move on. You're both young and have plenty of time to date, meet people, fall in love and have the real proper fireworks stuff. Don't settle for this one guy, it doesn't sound ideal.

AuntieStella Tue 03-May-16 06:37:11

At least as you've realised you and he are a mismatch at only 3 months in that this is not for you, you haven't wasted much time on him.

TheNaze73 Tue 03-May-16 07:58:59

He's only 21, I think you maybe expecting too much. If you need to be a priority in someone's life, not just part of it, then maybe he's not the one for you

Lighteningirll Tue 03-May-16 08:04:11

Move on he's not the one stop wasting your time on captain laid back who only makes effort when sex is on the table and find captain icantlivewithoutyou.

timelytess Tue 03-May-16 08:16:41

I think he's probably not your 'boyfriend' so much as an acquaintance you have sex with. If that's not what you want, move on. You are young and he is hardly out of childhood. Find a grown up. Much more fun.

sooperdooper Tue 03-May-16 08:41:54

If it's like this now then I reckon you should just forget about him, he doesn't seem that bothered but he also doesn't sound like the kind of person you want to be with long term either - tbh you could just leave it to fizzle out

Lynnealexandra Tue 03-May-16 10:35:26

Thank you everyone. I think it's time to cut my losses. It really helps to get other perspectives!

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