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What to do....

(25 Posts)
JustMeThinking14 Mon 02-May-16 14:36:55

My H isn't talking to me, haven't seen him properly since we disagreed a couple of days ago (come home to sleep only) and now I really don't know what to do.

I have a DS who is is a teenager, cheeky at times, a struggle to get out of his bed in the mornings, but what I call normal! We all did it.

My H called him rude in front of some family members describing the start to our day as a disaster because DS couldn't get his act together and decide what he wanted to do etc etc. He'd done nothing wrong and I bit back at H, I know I shouldn't, two wrongs never make a right but my blood was boiling, it feels like he is always having a go at him. I stupidly bought H DD's into the argument, I've never complained up until that point, we do everything to accommodate all their social activities during weekends they visit to the point that family plans are put on hold to accommodate all the social things they want to do. I don't complain, I don't say anything, just get on with it. H was having a go at my DS for all the same things I experience every other weekend and don't say anything.

My H stormed off to the car and then screamed at me in the car saying that I'm never to be rude again about his DDs. The bit I don't get is why does he think it's acceptable to be rude about my DS to family and I'm not allowed to say anything. My feelings are all over the place, angry, hurt, sad, cross at H. He won't talk, I've tried to talk to him, to get him to come home to discuss, we won't, all he has said is that I need to get it sorted, if he won't talk then what can I do.?

KindDogsTail Mon 02-May-16 14:46:34

This was a horrible thing to happen and I am very sorry JustME flowers
You just be very upset and I would be too.

I think you were right to stick up for your son. I was not clear if your H was rude about him in his actual presence.

If he won't talk, don't go after him.

Let him sulk as there is nothing you can do.

When he wants to come back, when everthing is calmer, no one is hungry etc, see if you can talk in private.

Be clear that it works both ways: You will not be rude about his DDs. but you certainly expect him to never again speak about your son the way he did.

Agree you will both inevitably find problems adjusting to each others children, and you must give each other space to discuss this peacefully.

JustMeThinking14 Tue 03-May-16 12:33:48

H came home last night but still no communication, he just won't speak, not a hello, nothing. Sat in different rooms for first part of the evening, then both sat in the lounge, him with earphones on. Even my DS has asked what is wrong. This morning he left for work, again nothing said. I really don't know what to do, I am dreading him coming home later

DraughtyWindow Tue 03-May-16 12:39:08

This thread has incensed me. Tell him to grow up. You've clearly hit a nerve and his ego. How dare you express an opinion! I'd tell him to Foxtrot Oscar and grow a pair. He's behaving like a spoilt brat. Sorry. flowers

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 03-May-16 12:50:32

I feel sorry for your son and you in all this because your H is dictating terms of the marriage. What he is doing here is really control and a form of emotional abuse. He has learnt this from somewhere, he has learnt that this works for him.

During the time your partner isn’t speaking to you carry on your life as normally as possible. Stick to your usual routines and carry on with your usual childcare responsibilities. Keep up your usual hobbies and activities. Do not take up any extra slack created by your partner disengaging. That may include not cooking meals for them etc if this is your usual household pattern.

Ultimately the responsibility for any freezing out is theirs and theirs alone. You are not responsible for him.

BolshierAryaStark Tue 03-May-16 12:58:32

So you are accommodating of his children yet hw can't show yours the same courtesy?
I'm afraid I'd be telling him to fuck off, sounds like a petulant twat.

MyKingdomForBrie Tue 03-May-16 13:03:15

Yep HIBU. He was rude about your son and you about his daughter, tit for tat. Not exactly mature and neither should have happened but he has no right to be on his high horse about it.

As to whether you can make him see that.. It would be a deal breaker for me.

pippistrelle Tue 03-May-16 13:04:20

He really is being ridiculous. And perhaps edging in to cruelty. But people often behave ridiculously when they know they have behaved badly. In fact, often their behaviour is worse when they're wrong rather than wronged.

He was wrong to say what he did about your son in public but could he have thought it was just chit chat rather than pointed having a go? And was your response also in public, or did you wait until you were alone?

Is it possible to email him at work? Or for him to receive texts? I'm not saying it's your responsibility to offer an olive branch but the ludicrous situation is causing you anxiety, so it might help to resolve the situation if you make the first move. I would set out more or less what you've said in your OP. You could express regret at bringing his daughters into it, but as you've said above, point out that you were trying to get him to understand that a bit of dilly-dallying is par for the course in family life.

However, I wouldn't pull any punches and would be pointing out that prolonged sulking is not the sort of behaviour you find acceptable in a partner. Ask how long he intends to keep it up.

Is this the first time this sort of thing has happened?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 03-May-16 13:24:08

I am not sure if DS was present when H made critical comments about him to the rest of the family?
However it is not surprising to me that you defended DS nor that he was stung by your retorts about your stepdaughters.
You touched a nerve and now he's sulking. See how he is this evening. If he's willing to talk sensibly you are ready to discuss the DCs.

I wonder did he get defensive and loud then sullen with his ex? Challenging each other's parenting doesn't mean you respect one another any less.

Maybe things were said in haste on both sides at the wrong time in the wrong setting but now they have been aired it is a good chance to clear them up.

KindDogsTail Tue 03-May-16 14:56:21

It is such a shame he is not behaving better today.
Pipistrelle is probably giving wise advice as to what you could actually do.

I know labels are annoying and sometimes argon, but as this seems like classic passive aggressive behaviour ( a pretty abusive aggressive version of it) I found this link and have quoted from it OP. ( I am not suggesting you are co-dependent. That just happens to be the title of the link,)

If you read the whole article it explains the roots of this behaviour as being fear of getting angry from childhood, etc

www.whatiscodependency.com/passive-aggressive-codependent-partner/

Withholding: Withholding communication is another form of expressing anger and asserting power passively. They may walk away, refusing to talk things over, or play the victim and say, “You’re always right,” shutting down the discussion. They’re unable to articulate what they want, feel, or need. Instead, they retain their power using the silent treatment or withholding material/financial support, affection, or sex. This undermines intimacy as a way to fight against their dependency.

There are a myriad of other things they might do, like slamming doors, giving away something of yours, or offering you dessert that you’re allergic to or when you’re dieting.

What You Can Do

Because a passive-aggressive person is indirect, it may be hard to recognize what’s going on, but it’s essential that you recognize whom you’re dealing with. Look for a pervasive pattern of several of the above symptom, and monitor your feelings. You may feel angry, confused, or powerless when trying to get cooperation. If this is a common pattern, you’re likely dealing with passive-aggression.

It’s important not to react. When you nag, scold, or get angry, you escalate conflict and give your partner more excuses and ammunition to deny responsibility. Not only that, you step into the role of parent – the very one your partner is rebelling against. Don’t be vague, drop hints, blame, or allow yourself to pay-back in kind.

Neither be passive, nor aggressive. Instead, be assertive. It’s far better to address noncompliance and problems in the relationship directly. Frame it in terms of “We have a problem,” not “You are the problem,” which is shaming. Don’t blame or judge your partner, but describe the behavior you don’t like, how it affects you and the relationship, and what you want. If you let your partner come up with a solution to a problem, there’s a better chance of resolution.

When you go along with your partner’s tactics or take on his or her responsibilities, you enable and encourage more passive-aggressive behavior. It would be similar to nagging your child, but allowing the youngster not to do his or her chores. This takes practice and requires being assertive. Be prepared to set boundaries with consequences. See my blog, “10 Reasons Why Boundaries Don’t Work.” For suggestions on dealing with passive-aggression, write me at info@darlenelancer.com for “12 Strategies for Handling Manipulators.” Practice the tools in How to Speak Your Mind- Become Assertive and Set Limits.

KindDogsTail Tue 03-May-16 14:57:23

jargon, not argon

amarmai Tue 03-May-16 15:39:37

you are doing your mothering job well,op. If you did not stand up for your son when your p unfairly attacked him in front of your family, how wd your son feel? You have made accomodations for his dd and simply pointed that out when he made his attack on your son. Now he is punishing you for standing up for your son. Your son must be feeling awful as well as you. this is EA and you sound as if you have to walk on eggs. there have probably been sim sits and there will be others. Do you want to live like this?

Jan45 Tue 03-May-16 16:17:28

Angry on your behalf, he picks on your son but yet when you say anything negative about his children, he acts like a spoilt little brat.

Sorry but I'd be standing my ground, it's like he thinks him and his children matter more than yours, no they don't!

JustMeThinking14 Wed 04-May-16 06:53:00

Thanks everyone for all your messages. H wanted to talk last night, agreed that what was said about DS/DD's was wrong/unacceptable, though he does find my DS moody, sullen, rude, unsociable etc. H said I do nothing for his DDs, one in particular. I know how she feels about me, social media and things that have been said prove that, being honest at times it's hard work but I would never do what H did in a million years. Totally unacceptable.
Bizarrely he talked from a piece of paper, having written everything down he wanted to say before he spoke and then when I spoke he would write down my answers. Very odd, felt he didn't really speak from his heart. Then when he finished he took pictures of the paper on his phone which I questioned, why would he do that. His response so he could refer back to it at a later date if required and by taking pictures he was being as spiteful as I had been. Don't really know where to go from here, I've never experienced anything like this with him before, yes we have had little disagreements as all couples have but never like this. He's gone to work, No goodbye nothing from him again. I really don't know what to do

kittybiscuits Wed 04-May-16 07:00:58

What's the housing situation? He'said getting ready to leave and blame you. I would give him a helping hand and move things on a bit faster than he is expecting. He sounds really horrible.

AnyFucker Wed 04-May-16 07:03:49

Just tell him to fuck right off and cut out the middle bit

How dare he treat you like this ? Who the fuck does he think he is ?

sunnyoutside Wed 04-May-16 07:36:47

Oh God - don;t waste your life. Seriously.

The silent treatment from him is horrendous and cold and calculating. Taking photos of his own notes? Even fucking taking notes? Is there really any comeback from this?

The worst story I heard was from a really good friend of mine. Her H sounds similar to yours. She kicked him out eventually. Then took him back because "she loves him" Years later they are still together and rarely argue or disagree, he brings her flowers and takes her out on a date night once a week. Guess what? She dare not speak against him, disagree with him on anything - she treads on eggshells. To the outsiders their relationship is great. It isn't. It is unhealthy and she has slowly lost herself. Please don't be my friend.

Resilience16 Wed 04-May-16 07:37:47

Sorry but it looks to me like he is using this as an excuse to blame you for the relationship going tits up, and as an excuse to walk away.
You have 3 choices. Try and get to the bottom of things and work it out, couples counselling may be an option (but not if partner doesn't want to change or is abusive)
Carry on as you are, walking on egg shells and waiting for the next blow up.
Or cut your losses and get out.
Good luck x

Penfold007 Wed 04-May-16 08:35:21

AF is spot on. The relationship is over and he's getting his ducks in a row, you need to do the same. Look at the practicalities and get prepared.

amarmai Wed 04-May-16 09:32:44

his behaviour is weird and scarey. I wd not feel it was it was safe for myself and my son being in the same home as a person who does such strange intimidating things because i stood up for my son when he was unfairly attacked. As you say h , i am assuming you have marital rights to any property. Trust your instinct as to whether it is safe to continue living with a man who is going off the rails.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 04-May-16 09:39:04

Indeed, this is his 'proof' to end the relationship.
Understand now about the housing situation.
Do you work?
Could you love independently without him.
Time to look at all of this.
He sounds like a complete knob!

hellsbellsmelons Wed 04-May-16 09:40:11

LOVE??? I do hope so - but that should definitely be LIVE!

memyselfandaye Wed 04-May-16 09:45:28

What a fucking arsehole. He's taking notes and photographs of those notes so he can throw it back in your face at a later date, whatever the fuck "it" is.

Leave, he sounds utterly unbearable.

pippistrelle Wed 04-May-16 10:45:13

I can understand someone writing something down to help marshal their thoughts if they're in turmoil. Although whether the relatively small (although obviously, very unpleasant) incident that triggered it all would cause turmoil in someone in a 'normal' mindset is questionable. And making a record of your answers is just strange. Combined with the silent treatment and - crucially - the fact that it's out of character, I think I'd be worried about him more than anything else. There's certainly something strange going on.

KindDogsTail Wed 04-May-16 14:56:47

It looks like you have married a very strange person.

It seems you had better getting counselling urgently to try to find out what is going on and see if there is any hope for a future together; or just decide to finish this marriage as soon as possible.

Do you know anything about his first marriage?

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