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Problems with EXH and no idea what to do(15 Posts)
I've name changed as I'm a long time lurker and occasional poster. I have never really shared anything personal before but with my current situation I could really do with some advice from people who aren't personally or emotionally involved relating to the contact of the DC's and their dad. I'll try not to drip feed so apologies if it's a long post.
So the basics, I'm 30, my husband is 43, we met and have been together since I was 16. We have two children. EXH was diagnosed with depression about a year ago as well as social anxiety, he has attempted suicide in the last year. He is/ was on anti depressants and was seeing a councillor.
6 months ago my EXH moved out into his own rented property, we had been having issues within the marriage for about a year at this point, longer story for another time. We tried for the sake of the DC to maintain some sort of amicable relationship. However my EXH would often mistake my niceness as come ons.
As a result he would try it on, I would rebuff these advances as I didn't want to confuse the boundaries. Sadly this would end in massive arguments either face to face or full on text rants between us. I'll whole heartedly admit I'm a firecracker and when wound up I will go for the throat, but with just wanting out of the marriage and not wanting to hurt my DC's more than they already have been I accepted I needed to take the high road. I never retaliated when he called me names which included lying slag, slut, bitch and so forth. Which is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do!
Even though he behaved like that towards me, I continued to let him have contact with the DC, however when he was mega annoyed with me he'd insist I go round and collect them as he couldn't cope. I would oblige and he'd message me later saying he was sorry but he wasn't ready to see the kids including a few choice words about me. We wouldn't hear from him for a few days up to a week or two and then I'd get an apology, stating I was right he was struggling to separate the DC's and us.
This continued on for a few months, until February he went off on one again, I got the usual messages and name calling. In the end he told me to never contact him again and I quote to 'keep your kids'. We never heard a peep from him until it was his birthday a few days ago, I let the DC's ring him to say happy birthday. I never spoke to him but the phone was on loud speaker. The DC's said they missed him and he replied he missed them too (fair enough, but his choice) and that they can see him anytime it's up to your mum. To me this statement felt like he was passing the blame on to me for not seeing the DC. He asked my DD if she wanted to go out the following day, she asked and I reluctantly agreed. The DC's finished the chat and went to bed.
The following day in the morning I received a text of EXH, it was a crude text offering to fuck me, he was available that day and I could walk in, strip, fuck and then get dressed and leave. I was absolutely furious, disgusted and utterly gobsmacked, I ignored his message and received another saying he was sorry, it was a long shot etc. Today I received another message, an essay of sorts going into why he sent it, he still saw me as his wife, that if we dtd it wouldn't be cheating as we are married and so on. Again I haven't replied, one reason being as I cannot think of the perfect answer! During these messages he never once mentioned the DC's.
My issue is the contact with the DC's, after the first message yesterday I was extremely tempted to cancel DD going with her dad, but I don't want to be one of them mums that stops her children from seeing their dad, I didn't know if I was overreacting. Yet he obviously still has issues separating me and the DC's so inevitably the pattern will continue of angry at mum stop seeing the children. And I ask myself how many times am I to put my DC's through it, DS seems to take it in his stride however my DD is a whole other ball game.
On top of all this, EXH has been telling people that I had an affair and left him, which isn't true and I stopped him seeing the DC's, which is also untrue and i have the text messages on my phone to prove it to anyone who argues this. I also receive no child maintenance, I don't currently work and care for my father too.
Friends say I should stop contact, let him take me to court, others say I can't stop a dad seeing his children. I have no idea what to do for the best. I want to protect my DC's from being hurt continuously but I don't want to take away the opportunity of having a relationship with their dad. Is any relationship no matter how broken better than none?
Any advice, words of encouragement, perfect response or even 'I've been there, got the tshirt and shit gets better in the end' would be greatly appreciated.
I think you really need to legal advice. There are some solicitors who offer a free half hour consultation, they could answer your questions re contact. From my understanding (I may be wrong) you ex does have a right to contact with the dc, this should be at pre arranged and mutually agreed time though, it was really shitty of him to just put you on the spot like that!
And well done fir standing your ground and not engaging with him re his "very tempting offer" 😂
Hi OP, I've been there and still got the t-shirt. XH insisted on custody of kids and refused ever to move out of house and continues to be abusive and knobbish because, well, because he is abusive and knobbish! Which is why I am divorcing him!!
All I can say is Do Not Engage. At all. The only communication between you should be about the kids. Really really basic simple stuff. Don't respond to anything else, just ignore and rise above. Far easier said than done but just be consistent. Turn every conversation back to the kids, which is the only reason you still have to acknowledge his presence on this planet.
Mmmm this is a tricky one but not unsolvable. As pp said get legal advice firstly. Be absolutely honest with solicitor, show texts if necessary, and follow the advice given. Go to someone who specialises in family law and preferably recommended. Then look on the Women's Aid website cos that gives lots of sound advice. Next surround urself with real life support. Friends and family. Be picky! Choose those who have got your back. How old are ur children? What do they think or feel about seeing their dad? Can you get any counselling or emotional support? You need to set out some boundaries to protect urself from this abusive arse!
Thank you for responding, I know the OP was a long read, so well done for powering through, I appreciate it.
ijustwanna I think legal advice is spot on, I need to move forward. Maybe pushing for a divorce may severe the link between me and the kids.
Common the no engaging is hard work, biting my tongue is becoming an art form
lulioli I've kept all messages he has sent as well as emailed all screenshots to myself and a friend.
My DD is 10 and DS is 7. DD struggles with it, she wants to see her dad but her entire attitude changed after she's been around him. This past couple of months with no contact her behaviour has improved at home and at school, her teacher even commented on it at parents evening. She's not a 'naughty' child but she can be challenging which is seen as rude.
DS is completely laid back he could be asleep, he doesn't ask or speak about his dad often at all. If you ask him, he just says he's not bothered, shrugs his shoulders and asks what's for tea.
I think you need firstly to start divorce proceedings and then to inform him in writing not to contact you again unless it is about the kids, and through email and block his number on your phone. And any future inappropriate messages will be taken as harassment and further action will be taken.
Please do not believe any crap about him not separating you from the kids.
What an arsehole.
He chooses to behave like this.
How is sending you a text telling you to come round and strip/fuck/leave anything to do with separating him from the kids?
Your mistake here was calling him on his birthday.
Why does a man who abandons his kids (in person and financially) have you running around organising birthday calls?
I would let your daughter see him this one time that has been arranged so as not to upset her.
Then tell him he is never to send you sexual text again, or anything that isn't directly related to arrangements for the children, or notification that he has started paying maintenance.
At this point you'll get a load of abuse and another strop to keep your kids. Which you ignore. And don't ever contact him on his birthday again!
I would be honest with the kids, though it's hard for them. I would tell them that he isn't a reliable man and you don't want him to upset them with sporadic contact - and therefore you're waiting until he's ready to propose something they can rely on. It's horrible to involve the kids, but I think it's better to be honest about his failings, in the long run.
It's a somewhat different situation, but I explained to my DC that when their DGM rejects them, it is actually to punish me for some perceived wrong not because of anything they did or anything they are.
Of course, with this knowledge they eventually realised that DGM doesn't actually give a genuine shit about them. I don't think she's capable of real love.
They got to that realisation fast though, without having their self esteem shredded first. Partly because once I had explained that simple fact to them, they started seeing all of her behaviour differently and they worked out an awful lot more by themselves. Which is good I think.
He sounds disgusting.
It is not about his rights to see his dc. It is about the DCs rights. they have a right to be protected from this nasty piece of work. Let dd see him this one time as it's been arranged. But after that contact (if it's happening) needs to be formalised - if he doesn't want that, then he will stay away. Which would perhaps be for the best for your dcs.
I agree with the pp who said the mistake was contacting this fucking deadbeat because of his birthday. But we learn from our mistakes.
Is any relationship no matter how broken better than none?
It seems to me that you've got the answer to this question in the fact that insofar as your dd is concerned "this past couple of months with no contact her behaviour has improved at home and at school, her teacher even commented on it at parents evening" and, as you've said, your ds is unbothered either way.
As your h's mental health seems precarious, to say the least, I would suggest that after the forthcoming contact with dd, you respond to any further requests he may make for contact by telling him that he can see the dc in the supervised environment of a contact centre which you expect him to arrange and pay for: www.naccc.org.uk/
I'm not suggesting this as a means of punishing him but to ensure that, in particular, your dd is protected from the instability and conflict he appears to engender in her and my concern is that he may be telling her things which are inappropriate for her age and level of emotional understanding which subsequently cause her to act out in a challenging manner.
I echo the voices of others who have advised you to consult a solicitor with a view to institute divorce proceedings and I would also advise you to change the entry door(s) locks to your home if you haven't done so since your h moved out - in most cases it's simply a question of changing the barrel of the lock which is an easy DIY task and there's umpteen youtube and other internet guides you can refer to if you've not changed a lock before.
It sounds like serious mental health issues (perhaps bipolar or Borderline Personality Disorder). That is not to excuse his behavior, but if you read up on those two mental illnesses, you may find information and tools to help you deal with him and help you help your dc's with understanding his behavior. I highly recommend two books: Stop Walking on Eggshells and The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide.
Thank you so much for all the replies. I'm currently searching the Internet for local solicitors who specialise in family law and who offer a complimentary half hour.
I received another text this morning, this one did however mention the DC's. Apologising again for the shag text, saying he understands my reservations with letting him have the kids (he's previously refused to give them back), he loves the children and me, my personal favourite he wants to arrange to see the DC's but how can he if I don't reply, this is the first time he's actually mentioned them. And general apologies for his behaviour.
He hasnt accepted your relationship is over, has he?
First thing I would suggest is blocking his number and making all communication by email, that way you only have to check it and read his shite when it suits you.
Could you offer him contact one day/ afternoon a week? Suggest he picks the kids up (for example) every sunday 12-4.
If he shows up he has them. If not, then he has to go mediation to discuss things because you havent stopped him seeing his kids and as you say your DC have been more settled not seeing him.
Also well done on not replying to his generous offer 😂
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