No Contact with some of my family - how to deal with big family events

[wonderwoo]

I hope I have put this thread in the right place, because its about family relationships, rather than romantic ones.

I am NC with a few members of my family (a handful of people), and have not seen or contacted them for years. I am a much more stable and happier person for it, and haven't looked back. They have never met my children. I do maintain contact with other members of my family, but on a one-to-one basis.

The problem I have is what do I do about big family events such as weddings/christenings/funerals? So far I have not gone to these events, because the people that I have NC with would be there. But I can foresee some future events in the next year or two where it will be harder to not go (grandparent's funeral, close family member's wedding etc).

I really want to be a part of these things, and I resent that I have to miss them. I also feel bad that my children don't get to experience big family celebrations. But it was so awful before I went NC, and I am so much happier now. Life is more settled, and I feel that being completely NC - with no exceptions for special occasions - has been an important part of its success of it for me. I worry that just a tiny bit of contact, would open the floodgates of letters/emails/general emotional abuse again. Not to mention how horribly uncomfortable it would be for me and all the family to be in a room together again.

None of my family, whilst having some understanding of why I have gone NC, really supports me, and I am scared that one day, missing someone's wedding may cause a big rift between the me and the little family I have left.

I am wondering what other people in my position do? How do you deal with this?

[Sotopost]

I'm in the same situation and have recently had to make the difficult decision not to go to my grandmother's funeral. I'm still sad about it but it was the right decision. I'm trying to re-establish contact with some members of my family but, like you I am more stable if I don't see any of them. As soon as I think I am feeling less anxious, and more able to cope with some limited contact, it seems to destabilise me again and i can't afford the fall out really. So - nothing very helpful to offer just a bit of empathy: it's difficult whatever decision you make.

[wonderwoo]

Thank you Sotopost. It helps to hear from someone in a similar position. I find people I know find it hard to understand with my position. Going NC with family seems to be outside a lot of peoples' understanding!

I am glad you are more stable now and I am sorry to hear about your grandmother. I hope you were able to say goodbye in your own way at least.

[Tokenjester]

I'm estranged from a large section of my family too & when I have had to face them I adapt 'fun & fabulous' - I take extra care on my appearance, red lipstick, nail varnish the works.

I will not be made to feel intimidated by them anymore. Once the mask is on, I play the role - I'm polite, answer their bullshit questions about how I am with a short response & move on to conversations with other people that I want to talk to.

I will no longer be bullied & certainly not in front of my children. It feels a bit weird to start with as it goes against my personality but boundaries are there & they have never had an opportunity to challenge them.

The only occasion I missed was a wedding (separate reason for not going though) & was told not to worry as I could sit on a table with bride's friends in a corner to avoid family members..... I don't sit in corners .

Good luck

[summerainbow]

My dad was from a big famliy he nc contact with some members and therefore so I did . He did talk about them the good and the bad (Maybe not all the bad but enough ) he did not attend weddings . He when to mum funeral his sister died about year before him . He had started phoning her ( we did not have phone for ages) but did not got to funeral. He did keep in contact with some of her kids .
He put his famliy ( my mum and me and my sisters) 1st . So kept us safe.
Your famliy is your dh and kids . If you need to attend anything for yourself (funeral ) go with your DH leave your kids at home.
But tell your kids your truth about your famliy and why you don't see them.