DF doesn't want a relationship with me and DCs if his wife can't be involved

[Ellarose85]

As the title says really.

I've posted previously about my Dad and the relationship we have (or rather lack of).

We have spoken and made some progress but I have told him that we can only move forward if my SM is not involved as she has never let us spend any time alone since they got together over 20 years ago and has been emotionally abusive towards me since I was 6 years old. I don't want her around my kids either in case she does the same to them.

My DF has said that he doesn't think this will work as she is his wife and a big part of his life.

I don't think I am asking for a lot, going out for lunch once a month with his daughter and grandkids (who he has never met) without his wife doesn't seem like a big ask to me or am I wrong?

This is my final attempt to salvage our relationship and it just feels like he is dragging his heals once again for the sake of an easy life where his wife is concerned.

I don't know why I'm posting here really, I'm hurt and upset and have no one impartial in RL to talk to about it.

[WellErrr]

No, you're not asking too much.

I would reiterate my point and then leave it with him. You can't force him.

It's sad but better your children have no DGF than one who comes with an emotionally abusive step GM.

[StillAwakeAndItIsLate]

Stand your ground on this one.
Y dad got veryany things wrong in my life, but how he mamaged the inclusion of his wife was very good.

There were 3 distinct relationships: his relationship with his wife; his relationship between his adult children; and the relationship between his adult children, him amd his wife. There was no blurring of the 3.

My mother insisted on what your dad is insisting on and it contributed to us being nc with her now.

[TheLesserSpottedBee]

My MIL had a relationship with her Father whereby she saw him very frequently but saw her Mother only very occasionally. Her parents were still married and her biological parents.

There had been friction since she was a child. Her Mother was a strange and unloving Mother but her Father was a joy. As she never really talked about it I don't know how it came about but her Father would come and visit her and the Grandchildren. I met him once before he sadly passed away. Her Mother had died a few years earlier.

I just wanted you to know that there are cases whereby one person is in contact but their spouse wasn't.

[RedMapleLeaf]

I would ask your dad what conditions he would be willing to accept in order to build a relationship with you and his grandchildren. Put it back on him.

Also, from your OP I get the impression that this isn't a "not over my dead body" situation for you. I get the impression that what you would find acceptable over the short term is not the same as how you'd feel over the long term. Eg. your dad could earn your trust to the extent that in a few years you might accept him and his wife attending a concert that your child is performing in.

[Ellarose85]

That's good advice, thanks Red I will try that.

Yes that's exactly how it is, I don't trust her or her intentions and I want to build a relationship with my Dad first and foremost then we can build bridges with his wife is she can prove that she has changed her ways and attitude towards me.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Your dad made his choice and he has chosen her ; he is a weak man who has gone along with his wife out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. He may well make it a condition that his wife has some sort of relationship with your children.

You are far better off showing your children positive and emotionally healthy examples of adult role models rather than this EA woman he married and your weak dad.

I also doubt very much that his wife has had any fundamental shift in terms of her own personality; emotionally abusive people do not change.