DH and I have been fighting constantly for what feels like forever. Things are always so stressful, young kids, no sleep, work is crazy for both of us, constant juggling, no money, have had to move 4 times in the last 5 years for work (his) blah blah blah. Sometimes we truly hate each other. But our lives are just coming together and there is light at the end of the tunnel in terms of practical stability, finances, kids sleeping better etc. A few weeks ago I realised that he really really disliked me, for the first time. I had done something silly with the baby and the look of disgust on his face was shocking. Since then I have really tried to change my attitude, I realised that this is my marriage, I want to make it work. I have been trying to be more affectionate, have sex more, be less naggy. But this evening we had a row and he has now left the house. This is pretty much the first time he has done this. I don't think he has 'left', I know he's gone to meet a friend and vent. What is scary is that he no longer seems to want to try to make it work. The row was over me asking him to go for a run early tomorrow morning rather than later, as we have a day out planned with friends. And he exploded. And left. I don't know what to do. I'm scared that he doesn't want to make it work any more. During a previous bad patch I had suggested couples counselling and he said that if his marriage was bad enough to need counselling, then he didn't want to be in it. I'm really scared that my marriage is falling apart and I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him, I do want to make this work.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
How do I fix my marriage / myself. So desperate.
feelinginthedark · 23/04/2016 01:58
You saw his dislike for you and you are doing everything you can think of to make him like you again.
The problem with what you are doing is that if it doesn't work and he still dislikes you, you will be crushed utterly.
But it's your marriage and you feel you have to give it your all? You have to try whatever it takes to save it? Because you owe it to yourself and your children, right?
Deep breath
Visualise if you can the marriage/life that you want. Is it one with a partner who respects you, who loves, cherishes and supports you? Who cuts you slack when your tired and frazzled with the kids? Whose first thought when you're grumpy isn't a nasty comeback but to wonder what he can do to make you less stressed.
Think about what you actually want your marriage to be.
That is the relationship that you should put all your energy into.
And sorry to be so blunt but you won't get it by prostituting yourself. You get it by holding your head high and knowing you deserve all of that. You deserve it when you're sweet and affectionate and willing in bed, and you deserve it when you're tired and grumpy and tearful, and you still deserve it when you are half crazy with sleep deprivation or worrying about a sick child, or you have puke in your hair and haven't showered in three days. You deserve it.
If he can't deliver and you're willing to lower your standards, that's fine too as long as you remember that he is lucky that you put up with him.
When you dance around trying to make him love you, you run a serious risk of feeding his contempt for you. Please don't show him pathetic gratitude when he comes back or you will be giving him terrible power over you.
On the other hand if you stand tall and proud, and act like you value yourself you stand a far better chance of gaining his respect and affection. I know it's counter intuitive and you may have to fake it at first. If you try and the relationship fails you will still have your self respect.
How dare he walk out on you? How dare he disrespect you?
When he comes home remember that HE is the one who should be grateful if you are willing to take him back.
for you because you're worth it.
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.