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Is great sex important?

(17 Posts)
Sexisntgreat11 Fri 22-Apr-16 12:02:11

My dh isn't great In bed, I never get the 'wow' off him like I have in the past. He says it's amazing but he lasts a matter or minutes and his foreplay hurts rather than feels pleasurable. I've told him I'm not really feeling it he seemed bothered for around 3 mins then carried on with his day. I've never had an orgasm for about a year now. But we are a great team and have children a nice home and family. Should I just appreciate what I have and forget about the sex?

Mrskeats Fri 22-Apr-16 12:04:51

I would find it hard to get past why he isn't bothered that you aren't happy. It seems he's not interested in improving things.
Selfish really.
Would you be happy with no good sex for the rest of your life?

MephistophelesApprentice Fri 22-Apr-16 12:07:37

I'd say mutually satisfactory sex is important. It shows you're listening to each other.

PipersOrange Fri 22-Apr-16 12:08:11

I have exactly the same problem sad

Toomuchinfo1 Fri 22-Apr-16 12:09:23

I was with someone for almost 10 years, and one of the main reasons for it ending was because we didn't connect sexually anymore. I tried everything to make it work, but he just wasn't bothered and it was like having sex with a robot.

Can you try to talk to him about it again? I think it would be a shame to end an otherwise good relationship (esp with kids etc) over sex, but I fully understand when this happens, as for some people it is very important and (in my opinion), good sex brings a couple closer together.

Sexisntgreat11 Fri 22-Apr-16 12:10:14

I do things like buy dressing up lingerie send him photos etc to spice things up but it's like it's falling on deaf ears. We both work a lot and I think he has a lot of stress from work but it's just really boring and I do try so hard but it really never gets better I feel so bad saying it!

Sexisntgreat11 Fri 22-Apr-16 12:13:23

I worry it may be Ive changed down there since having children and it could all be down to me! I would just like to go to bed early and have a lot of time but it never happens I feel like I'm just his friend!

LionsLedge Fri 22-Apr-16 12:14:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheNaze73 Fri 22-Apr-16 12:14:35

Despite however 'nice' someone was, that would be a deal breaker for me. It'll get to you in the end

Sexisntgreat11 Fri 22-Apr-16 12:17:42

I feel really sad that this could break up our marriagesad but it makes me feel quite unattractive

Dellarobia Fri 22-Apr-16 12:19:30

If it hurts that's more than 'not great'.

BolshierAryaStark Fri 22-Apr-16 13:05:27

If you've told him foreplay hurts & he's doing nothing to improve it this is really wrong & I couldn't get past it, if you haven't told him then you need to.
Satisfying sex is important.

ALaughAMinute Fri 22-Apr-16 13:39:50

I was with someone for almost 10 years, and one of the main reasons for it ending was because we didn't connect sexually anymore. I tried everything to make it work, but he just wasn't bothered and it was like having sex with a robot.

Ditto! Only I was with him 22 years. We had other problems as well so I divorced him.

I ended up having an affair which reminded me what real sex was like. It was more than just good, it was amazing!

I think you need to talk to him before it destroys your marriage.

ordinaryman Fri 22-Apr-16 13:57:31

See if you can actually give him something else to do that doesn't hurt?

I'm in no way belittling the importance for your in changing his approach, but I doubt he's being malicious or deliberately antagonising, even if he is selfish in not appearing to listen.

Speaking from personal experience, he might be confused as to what you want nowadays and how to please you, hence my suggestion to actively tell him / show him what you want.

My wife latterly complained about a lot of my foreplay feeling uncomfortable for her. She had enjoyed it all in the past, but since having our children things had obviously changed.

However, all my wife did was told me all the negatives (have you got sharp nails? / that's putting me off / don't play with my b**bs as they're too sensitive these days / NO! not there / etc.) without much tact and without helping me understand what she did want. She just basically pushed me away and decided it would be easier to roll her own, so to speak.

Ultimately, despite being a caring lover, that's left me lonely and rejected, is probably not much better for her, and could be terminal for the relationship.

Toomuchinfo1 Fri 22-Apr-16 14:02:41

ALaughAMinute . . .I definitely started to feel my eyes wandering. It's such a shame, as if my ex had just made more effort in that department then I think we could have had a nice long future together. But at the time I was 29, and couldn't stand the thought of a life with someone I didn't have passion with.

OP - make sure you are totally honest with your partner. tell him exactly how serious the problem is for you xxx

Toomuchinfo1 Fri 22-Apr-16 14:05:21

That's really interesting to hear a mans perspective ordinaryman


WallyBantersJunkBox Fri 22-Apr-16 14:18:01

It will become a huge elephant in the room. And you must be really tense waiting for him to hurt you or in fear of it, that would really affect me, because I really need to feel secure and relaxed to completely enjoy myself.

I think you have to speak about it. And show him what you like.

If my DP gets a bit excitedly exuberant I'll put my hands over his and show him the pressure or feeling that works for me.

And yes post kids does make a difference as does getting older.

He can't just have sex to a formula - it needs to be a bit more fluid than that in the long term I think.

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