Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Is this too small to get upset about?

11 replies

EllyBilliot · 18/04/2016 15:48

Context: married nearly 6 years, together for just over 7. He's the only man I've ever 100% trusted. We are like best friends. We have the same interests, laugh all the time, every day. We do things together, as a family. Tell each other 'I love you' every single day. He has supported me through illness and going NC with my family. He looks after me. He is very affectionate. He tells me I'm beautiful and perfect (I don't feel I'm either). We had quite a long period of no sex because of illness (both of us, not just me) but recently we've opened up to each other about it and have started to get back into the swing of it. He is the best thing that's ever happened to me. He's all I've got, other than my DD. I don't really have any friends and no longer have any family. He doesn't ever go out with friends, he just works all day and then comes home and we have a nice time together.

The other day I turned on the TV and it automatically came on to BBC1 but the Freeview thing at the bottom of the screen took a bit longer to wake up and showed a program that was on the previous night between midnight and 2am called 'Flirt Zone' on a channel so far down the channel list I didn't even know it existed. I looked at it last night when DH was in bed and it's a bit 'ceefax'-like in appearance, with real people's adverts and 'box numbers' that you could text to etc. The fact that it showed up at all, must mean DH was looking at it the night before. A rare night when I went to bed before him and he stayed up for a while.

I feel upset but I haven't mentioned it to him.

I feel like if it was porn on the internet, it wouldn't matter because they are essentially actors getting paid (hopefully) to do what they do and they don't even know my husband exists. But it's not porn. These are real people*, looking for...I don't know...someone to flirt with, NSA sex, I don't even know.

*yes, I know porn actors are real people too, but you know what I mean. It's different.

This feels like a red flag to me. Is that an over-reaction?

OP posts:

Report

PurpleDaisies · 18/04/2016 15:51

There could be a totally innocent explanation-if your dh didn't turn the freeview box off it could have gone into sleep mode on the last channel that was playing. He could have been watching something else on bbc one.

If you're upset and you normally have a great relationship, just talk to him.

Report

couchparsnip · 18/04/2016 16:05

Could be completely innocent I agree. He flicked through the channels and when he got down as far as Flirt Zone he decided there was definitely nothing to watch and went to bed.

Report

MrHannahSnell · 18/04/2016 16:10

I look at these channels late at night when I can't sleep just for the amusement value. I don't think you have cause to worry over this.

Report

TheNaze73 · 18/04/2016 16:14

I wouldn't be worried in the slightest

Report

BertieBeats · 18/04/2016 16:19

I know what you mean about there being a difference online porn and a text in to meet women channel. I'm inclined to think he was probably curious. If he was interested in finding no string sex I'd imagine it'd be easier to do so online, not on TV where you probably get charged God knows how much for each text. I don't know the channel but there's probably nude women shown as well so he was probably just looking at them, especially if that was the only x-rated channel you had.

Report

cuautepec · 18/04/2016 16:20

Could be completely innocent I agree. He flicked through the channels and when he got down as far as Flirt Zone he decided there was definitely nothing to watch and went to bed

This

Report

PetrolBastard · 18/04/2016 16:23

Honestly, this sounds like you are looking for excuses to sabotage your own happiness.

Report

Seeyounearertime · 18/04/2016 16:27

what channel number was it?
I'm only asking as don't somechannels swap after a certain time?

it could be like Motors or something till midnight and then FoxyFlirty from 1am sort of thing?
or maybe the remote got mashed and just happened to type those numbers?

seems a bit of a nothing but certainly worth asking about. you may tell from his reaction if there is more to it.

Report

ProfYaffle · 18/04/2016 16:52

I've managed to call up those kind of channels by accident when the remote's slow to respond and you're going "3 dammit, I said 3!" and getting 333 instead.

Report

Cabrinha · 18/04/2016 17:21

I would definitely ask him about it.
Sorry, but a lot people describe great relationships then it turns out one is cheating.
I'm not disagreeing with people who say it could be nothing.

But if your relationship is good, you can "Flirt came up on Freeview as the last watched channel - can we talk about that?"

In a good relationship, he will say (if this is what happened) "I was bored, flicking, curious" and you can say "I think the easy access to what seems like unreal bit of fun porn but is actually real people can blur boundaries. I don't care that you chanced on it bored, but I love what we've got and I think it's a good opportunity to say that if you ever chose to look at it - even as entertainment - I wouldn't find that OK. What do you think?"

My relate counsellor 8 years ago said that more than half if couples he saw were there with issues that included internet porn use.

Don't stress. But don't ignore it. It's a thin end of a wedge and it doesn't hurt to have a frank conversation about porn and sex sites - this is such a fast changing area, it's OK to talk about it.

Cheating online is common enough that I think it would be unwise to just ignore it.

Report

EllyBilliot · 19/04/2016 12:29

Sorry I wasn't able to get back on here yesterday.

Thanks all for your opinions (except perhaps this one "Honestly, this sounds like you are looking for excuses to sabotage your own happiness." which is way off the mark and completely unhelpful)

It's interesting to see how many people have said they wouldn't be worried or who think it's innocent and that's made me re-think it. I do tend to overreact to things in my head because of things that happened before DH came along. But like Cabrinha said, it's the thin end of a wedge and it wouldn't hurt to have a chat about things like this. It's not something we've ever discussed before.

I think I always assumed that if he wanted to look at porn, he'd do it on his own laptop that I don't use, so I'd never know about it and that would be perfectly fine. But my intuition is strong and I do feel it wasn't an accident. He's not a channel-flicker when he's bored. The only accident was in not changing the channel back to something more innocent before he turned off the TV.

Cabrinha said "but a lot people describe great relationships then it turns out one is cheating" and that's exactly why I posted, because having been on MN for years I've seen this happen so many times. I don't want it to ever be me so a conversation will be had at some point soon, about the difference (to me) between paid porn actors and real people.

Thanks again