Scared of sex

[Porpoises]

Hi

I'm a long-time lurker. Hoping for some ideas and support.

I'm in my late twenties and have never had 'full' (penis in vagina) sex. I get very scared and kind of freeze up, during sexual activity, even if i was really turned on and enjoying myself a few seconds before. I find it very hard not to feel guilty, then, for stopping. I feel under pressure - even if my partner is telling me there is no pressure, I can't believe them.

I also find closeness really hard, i alternate between needing tonnes of reassurance and contact to pushing people away. It's like the person I'm dating morphs in my mind between god-like and pathetic, i can't keep a stable image of them. Often i feel like ending the relationship is the only way to feel vaguely sane again.

I'm single again, and totally fed up that these issues have stopped me ever having a long term relationship. I feel so behind my peers in this respect.

I've not been sexually abused, but i think did some things i was uncomfortable with in a past relationship because i thought i was supposed to, that that was what girlfriends do. When i was growing up my mother could be verbally abusive and scary, which i think has a lot to do with my problems with closeness and my fear of people's anget.

Thanks for reading this far. I've started seeing a new therapist, but was hoping that people here could give some broader insight or experience. Feels scary to post about it but I'm just so sick of this problem.

[VestalVirgin]

I've not been sexually abused, but i think did some things i was uncomfortable with in a past relationship because i thought i was supposed to, that that was what girlfriends do

Sexual things?
Many people don't like to call things that were done to them abuse, even though those things would fit the defintion.

It doesn't surprise me that you are not able to believe that there is no pressure - the cultural pressure to have piv sex is so high that a partner doesn't have to say anything, even, and you might still feel pressured.

If it helps, the latter part of my nickname is actually accurate, and I feel pretty okay about that.
Some things other people do are just things. They are not achievements that you have to do to be a valuable person.
If you don't want children, piv doesn't even have any objective benefits that other kinds of sex don't have.

I think you have to find yourself, first of all - you focus a lot on what you think you are supposed to do.

What do you want for yourself? Do you want a long-term relationship because you think it will make you happy, or because everyone has one?

Can you have enjoyable sex when the "goal" of piv is taken out of the equation?

[Porpoises]

Thanks vestal.

I definitely don't see it as sexual abuse because he was not a bad person, he didn't know that i didn't want it - and some of the tIme i did want it. I was kind of pushing myself forward, without listening to my own feelings. (That came from a wider context of learning to people-please and ignore my own emotions when a child).

Even without the 'goal' of piv, I'll enjoy some stuff but I'll suddenly get freaked out by certain things - i need to feel extremely in control, but that's difficult for partners as I'll be enjoying something, and then they do something slightly different, thinking I'll like it, and I'll suddenly feel v scared and unhappy and then need to stop sex altogether for a while (like 30 mins, not weeks). Its not insurmountable but it makes things difficult and requires a lot of communication, and i can't always predict what things will freak me out and what things will feel ok / good.

Interesting that you think im focussing a lot on what I'm 'supposed' to do. I'll try to bear that in mind.

I'm not sure if i necessarily want a conventional monogamous long term relationship, but i do want deep emotional connection, closeness, and enjoyable sex.