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Getting back together after an affair - any success stories?

(15 Posts)
SunshineFreckles Wed 13-Apr-16 08:45:03

I found out my DH was having an affair a few months ago. We've been living separately since then.
The affair happened at a time of extreme stress for us a couple - I don't want to go into details here - and we both dealt with things in different ways. I'm not excusing what he did, but I really can understand what led him to do it.

So fast forward to where we are now. We are both miserable and missing each other. We have had time to reflect on the the crap that happened in the last last few years and are beginning to talk again. We have known each other all our lives. We have been married for years and years and I truly can't bear the thought of the rest of my life without him. We have talked about divorce but I don't want that and I know he doesn't either. I have tried OLD and met a nice man who I've been seeing for a few weeks but he's just not my DH. No-one will be.

So what I'm asking of the lovely mumsnet ladies is not to tell me to LTB or to tell me I'm being weak for forgiving him. I know he's been a bastard, just as I was a bitch.

What I'm interested in hearing is success stories - has anyone made it work?

NFmama Wed 13-Apr-16 08:48:27

I think the answer is how does HE intend to make it work. How does he intend to repair the damage he caused by being unfaithful? How will he handle you feeling insecure and paranoid if he's 20 mins late home or goes into another room to take a phone call? How will he handle you feeling angry or jealous (perfectly reasonable responses) about his affair?

It's hard to say without knowing what you did to warrant calling yourself a bitch but he is the one who broke this relationship by bringing a third person in, so what is he going to do to fix it?

namechangingagainagain Wed 13-Apr-16 08:51:47

Yep we have.
2 years later we are happier than ever. BUT it's been a long crappy road to get here and in some ways harder than starting again. One of the hardest things for me was worrying that other people would think about me. Previously I would have told myself to LTB. And I thought my husband would never cheat on me! In the end I just had to just do what I wanted to do rather than worry about what people would think. I don't regret giving it another go at all.

claraschu Wed 13-Apr-16 08:56:35

I agree that if he works hard to talk, open up, be honest, and show how much he values the marriage, it can work. He will have to understand that it will take a long time and a lot of sustained effort.

I have a friend who feels she is now closer to her dh because of everything that went into getting through the pain of his affair.

claraschu Wed 13-Apr-16 08:58:02

My friend only told 2 of her friends and her parents, so she didn't have a lot of people judging her for forgiving her dh.

Wheelerdeeler Wed 13-Apr-16 09:00:25

Why are you dating already if it has only been a few months?

I would worry that you are jumping back in as you don't want to be on your own.

I can't imagine dating while going through the trauma of dealing with my husband's affair and subsequent seperation.

loveyoumummy Wed 13-Apr-16 09:06:20

I personally think you shouldn't be dating now. You need to get yourself together.

I've been where you are, thought I wanted to be with him. Tried, but I couldn't trust him. Went our separate ways and then after some time, tried again when I'd 'heeled' better. It was awful, I couldn't trust him still and being around him felt like a constant reminder of what had happened. We slept together and I couldn't stop thinking about the betrayal. I knew I deserved more.

I have read on mumsnet many times about couples who have worked, but for me, it didn't. I could have tried/forced myself, for my family. But after being on my own for some time and having therapy, I realised i probably wasn't as happy with him as I thought I would be and that I deserved more.

Take a look at affair fog, I think it's called. Might help you understand things a bit better

Rarity75 Wed 13-Apr-16 09:54:28

I know of two couples who have stayed together. Neither because they love each other!
They have stayed for material reasons, financial, and 'for the children'.
It sounds like you love your husband, I would advise not rushing into things and talking lots.
Good luck either way and be kind to yourself flowers

Tabsicle Wed 13-Apr-16 10:07:02

We did. Lived apart for nine months, then slowly started working our way back together. Now, five years on, we are probably better than we were before. It acted as a weird kick up the arse for us to address a bunch of issues we had avoided dealing with for years beforehand.

It was pretty tough for about a year, mind, and took a lot of work on both sides.

cruusshed Wed 13-Apr-16 22:33:22

This book provides a template for having any chance of healing ... HE has to do everything in the programme otherwise it will eat you up from the inside out over time....

www.lindajmacdonald.com/how_to_help_11-06-10_final_pdf-.pdf

Happyat40 Wed 13-Apr-16 22:39:39

Yes we have.

I threw him out initially - we then lived apart for a few months while we tried to work things out.

I don't regret my decision AT ALL.

The key is to understanding the dynamics of the relationship that led it to that rocky place.

We very much love each other and it is possible to move forward thanks.

Happyat40 Wed 13-Apr-16 22:40:58

OP we did it without a book or any sort of counselling - but I was very boundaried with him.

Happyat40 Wed 13-Apr-16 22:44:18

Loveyou - people have to do what feels right to them .

I was dating within 4 weeks of DH leaving. It was survival. I knew if I didn't do it that my confidence would never recover. Dating in those first few weeks did me some great good.

Lokidokey Wed 13-Apr-16 23:29:03

Yes.
I had the affair. We were in a bad place at the time, married for ten years but dh was incredibly jealous to the point where he'd check my email, phone, even the mileage on my car. He'd follow me and repeatedly accused me of having an affair. At the time I'd lost my dad after nursing him with terminal cancer. I was low, feeling very isolated and unhappy when along came someone in a position of trust who manipulated the situation. I'm not saying I was blameless at all, but it transpires it was something he'd done before twice, both times with women suffering bereavement or EA.
I think in my mind I reasoned id been accused of it so often I might as well do it. It wasn't some big drawn out affair, it was a one off that made me feel worse than I already did.

Of course he found out (I think deep down I knew and hoped he would) It all blew up. We shouted, cried, blamed eachother and then finally sat down and talked. We were both pretty guilty of fucking things up, me moreso than him, but we agreed to try again.

DH turned it around. Gone was the furtive questioning, I didn't feel like I was being watched all the time. We made an effort, with no jealousy and suspicion things improved slowly. It wasn't an easy ride and there were many rows in the route, but ten years on we are strong and happy. Our kids both grown and we're enjoying time for us again.

I look back at it now and wonder what the hell I was doing, but that single event weirdly managed to turn our marriage around. Funny how things work out.

Frizzuk1986 Thu 14-Apr-16 08:02:37

Me and dh are still working through our issues. He had an EA last summer and it killed me. He slept in the spare room (although not for long enough and in hindsight I think I should've kicked him out) Then he betrayed my trust again by being in contact with the OW.
I did a lot of thinking and although we are by no means out of the woods I wanted to give our relationship the best chance before ending it.
The past year has been hard. It's been beyond hard. He was fired from him job and is now very depressed and out of work. I almost feel like it's karma but it effects me too which is rubbish. But..... I'm proud that we are still together. Times are tough but in between we do have good times and I really hope that as time moves forward we will be able to work through more of our issues (of which a lot were thrown up after the EA)
Only time will tell but take it slow and it's your choice how things move forward and what you want.

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