I am a long time lurker, and have only posted a couple of times before under different user names.
So my problem is not entirely new, bit im just striving to decide if my marriage is worth saving. Of course I need to discuss all this with my husband, but need to get my head clear first. It would really help to habe an outside perspective on the issues, to see if it is just me expecting too much.
So, the background. We have been married for 18 years. I have 3 children from a previous marriage, we met when my oldest was 6, he's now 25. We have two little ones at home both in primary school. We have two problems.
Two years ago i found out my husband was a cross dresser. It was a shock, but I accepted it and am supportive. We occasionally go out as two women. I buy female clothes etc for him, help with make up and so on. Initially he said it was just a sexuak kink. I was ok with that. It has developed from tbat so that he wears knickers most of time when not working, frequently wears nail var ish and likes to relax around house in a nightie after moisturising so smelling girly (but not in front of children). He says he has no desire to be a woman. I dont totally believe this, because he lied for so long initially and because the cross dressing keeps developing. I dont think he's lying, i just dont think he knows yet because hes still exploring his gender identity. Honestly, i find this difficult because I don'tdon't want to be married to a woman. I don't find soft perfumed skin sexy. I preferred it when it was just a fun game. But still i want to support him in this. I feel a lot if sympathy for his pain and fear and self loathing. I love him.and want to help him at the same time i want it all to just fucking stop because its not what i chose, he's not who i thought I married. I dont think he knows how conflicted i am, because he tells ppl how supportive i am.
By people i mean strangers we meet out. None of our friends or family know, so i am on my own with this.
Second problem is that I feel unsupported by him in many ways. I dont feel he puts as much into our relationship. eg he forgot to book a restaurant for our anniversary, buys my presents last minute usually following a hint rather than researching and surprising me. I put loads of effort & thought in for him and her. He couldn't be arsed to make the effort to support me at an event recently, just collected me at the end. Didnt even say good luck when dropping me off because he was preoccupied with an issue with the car.
He has been lovely too- in small ways. But I just feel like i have been working so hard to support him and get so much less back.
I have really pulled back from the relationship over the last few months and am realising there are a million miles between us now. So i need to decide to work at our marriage, talk to him. Or just end it because if we keep on drifting ending it is inevitable.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
How do you know when its time to stop trying?
innermuddle · 12/04/2016 16:00
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