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Uninterested grandparents

16 replies

colacoka · 08/04/2016 15:11

Okay this will probably be very long but I keep thinking about it, going to try to be vague to avoid outing anyone but descriptive enough to give a full picture, which sounds impossible, I don't know how everyone isn't terrified someone they know is on here!

DP's DF and SM haven't seen DS since before his 1st birthday and he's 18 months old now. They live about 20 minutes away, and come to the town we live in regularly without seeing us. This is weird isn't it?

I guess taking our other family into account, my mum lives close by and sees me and DS weekly, DP also sees her for the occasional other family thing like birthdays with other extended family like DS's great grandparents on my side, my siblings etc. That's all fine. DP's grandparents are great too. DP's DM and siblings and also my DF and his partner live further away but every few months they (independently!) get in touch and come down to visit us and DS, and we've been there too, that's also all fine.

For record I leave DP to sort things with his relatives and I sort things with mine but we've never had to really "formally invite" anyone else and more importantly DP's DF and SM had no problems with dropping in totally unannounced when they did visit when DS was smaller so I really don't think it's a lack of invite that's the issue. I have to admit we have been busy, DP works crazy hours and I'm a sahm to a toddler so it wasn't really until after Christmas we noticed just how little they'd seen him which does sound bad I know, but the point is it hasn't happened with any of our other family, somehow arrangements just happen naturally when we all want to see each other, and I know they have a lot of free time so it's not that they're not able to find time to pick up the phone.

Anyway his DF's lack of interest in his grandson is pretty upsetting for DP. I'm just baffled. They never had any interest in me until I was pregnant, then they were suddenly wonderful which was a nice surprise. DP's SM texted me every day while I was in hospital with DS, they visited lots and brought things and were just lovely, we were in there a little while. Obviously didn't expect that treatment forever! But I never thought they'd lose interest like they have. They have form for losing interest I suppose with other things like houses and jobs but I wasn't aware grandchildren would come under the same treatment, and obviously I aim this more at DP's DF since DS is actually his grandchild, I realise that DP's SM isn't actually related to DS but she did act like she wanted to be like a granny to him at first. They dropped a card through the door on his first birthday (we were out) but no attempt to want to see him and nothing since then except a Christmas present sent via DP's grandparents. I think just the drastic change from being SO excited and interested when I was pregnant and DS was a newborn to now has been disappointing. Esp the pregnancy - no point in being excited about him when he wasn't around to see it and then not now!!

There is so much more to this (no falling out or arguments or anything like that at all) but I think I've rambled on quite enough. DP doesn't want to just get in touch, invite them over and pretend it's all totally normal because it isn't really, I'm not sure if I'll just a load of replies saying that grandparents have no obligation to be involved which I totally understand but in that case frankly I'd rather they just weren't, instead of being there in the sidelines giving DS the impression they don't really care throughout his childhood, only writing gushy comments on facebook for show but never having anything to do with him. DP's sole idea so far is to ring his dad up and "tell him he's being a dickhead". Probably not the best approach so does anyone have anything better?! Don't expect much at all, just a visit to see DS every month or two would be totally fine and seeing him around Christmas and his birthday, I think. I'm not getting involved short of supporting DP so he might just do that anyway but I may as well try and get some advice to offer him.

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Wuffleflump · 08/04/2016 15:29

Pretty sure my dad has only ever seen his grandchildren (my nieces and nephews) because it was someone else's idea. Not that he is completely indifferent or doesn't feel duty towards them when required, and he interacts with them when they are there, but I don't think kids have ever been his thing. It's not what he chooses to do with his time.

Therefore my mum (no relation to kids in question) doesn't see them much either. She's much more into children, and has no grandkids of her own, but it would be a bit weird for her to go and see children who aren't her relations without her husband. She dotes on them when they are around for big family gatherings.

Admittedly distance involved in these things is much greater than yours, but I don't think it's fundamentally weird. I only see my siblings and parents a couple of times a year too. Family, including half-family step-family etc get on great and have fun when we're together: maybe it's because we don't see each other often!

I think fundamentally family isn't day-to-day support for us, while being ready and willing to help out when big problems come along, which isn't often. I absolutely know that this isn't the same for all families, and without knowing background, I don't know if this is normal for them, or something else. But normal is within the range of possibilities.