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Cancelling contact

(5 Posts)
SerialSongSpoiler Fri 08-Apr-16 09:29:06

Sorry, it's fairly long. For background, I have two DS (7&5) with XDP. He lives 400 miles away, he did live in the same town but a while after we split he left his full time job and moved away. We split when DS were 3 1/2 and 18 months. The DSs had been up there twice to stay but DS7 is very anxious generally and recently has been adamant that he doesn't want to go up. He was keen to see his dad when he comes down here though.

XDP hasn't been down since Oct last year. He has arranged to come down three times and cancelled each time at the last minute.

He was due down tomorrow, this morning he has cancelled because he "can't afford it". I've asked him to ring the boys to tell them but he's not so far (it was 7am when he text me). So now I'm going to have to tell them. They're going to be devastated again. DS7 adores his dad and I'm so worried he's going to make his anxiety worse again.

I really don't know what to do for the best. I have always tried to encourage them to see their dad, I don't want them to blame me when they're older but I've also got to think of my DS mental health.

I'm know this is a fairly common occurrence so I wonder if anyone could give me any suggestions please. Do I still encourage them to see him? Do I stop him seeing them until he takes me to court? I really don't know what to do for the best.

something2say Fri 08-Apr-16 09:44:12

I think action and care are needed.

Action in terms of stopping pushing for contact that may never happen and which will egg your son on in terms of ending up saddened. Action in terms of you organising a phone call regularly and also maybe taking them up to see him once a year. Action in terms of allowing whatever sporadic contact he can manage.

But then care. Because it seems to me that many dads do not become good dads and their children see it and hurt. Therefore your son will need more care since, if this comes true for him, he will be upset and the only thing you can do is care for him while he comes to terms with it.

There is a lot missing from some dads in this day and age. Money and being there to name my top two things.

SerialSongSpoiler Fri 08-Apr-16 12:25:18

I don't push for contact, I meant I don't try and stop the boys seeing him or speak badly about their dad. XDP makes all the arrangements with them himself and then let's them down.

He's been in touch anyway to say he is going to see them tomorrow after all. I guess that was easier than ringing to tell them he's letting them down again.

Guiltypleasures001 Fri 08-Apr-16 13:56:12

I would never have dreamt of my ex making arrangements with my ds so young, I think that's the first problem.

Everything should go through you I wouldn't tell them he's seeing them until he's at the door, your sons mental health is at stake because the adults are giving him too much information.

WillAndDisgrace Fri 08-Apr-16 21:14:07

I agree with Guilty...

Sort contact yourself and only tell them once he is down.

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