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Relationship coaching?

(6 Posts)
HelloTreacle9 Tue 05-Apr-16 11:47:53

Does anyone have any direct experience of using a marriage/relationship coach?

As opposed to a counsellor? I've always liked the coaching approach as it's about where are you now, what are your goals, and how you are going to get there, so it's effective and positive. Rather than dwelling on the problems. But there don't seem to be many relationship coaches around apart from really high-end (ie expensive Harley Street types) like Stephen Hedger.

DH and I have been together for 26 years, married for 16, two young children, and we are more than stuck in a rut - things are now openly hostile and it's toxic and making us all miserable. But we both love each other and don't want to separate. We need professional help to fix things and I have a gut feeling that if we can find the right coach, we will be able to get back on track.

Any recommendations would be really welcome!

singingsixpence82 Tue 05-Apr-16 15:36:32

The Gottman institute is a world authority on relationship science. They have a coaching network or something like it although I'm not sure it's that extensive outside America. You might have to do telephone coaching but you could check it out. They also have a lot of books about relationships.

I also came across what seemed a useful recommendation when a counselor I know of did a radio show. I haven't read it but it might be useful - www.drsuejohnson.com/where-does-love-go-wrong/

Awholelottanosy Tue 05-Apr-16 15:41:19

Is there a reason you don't want to go to Relate. Sounds like just the thing they're trained to do.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 05-Apr-16 15:59:42

Has he also stated he loves you and does not want to separate or is this mainly coming from you and you alone?.

If things are now openly hostile and toxic at home, maybe the best thing to do would be for the two of you to now part. What are your children learning about relationships from the two of you here?. Do you want to show them that a loveless marriage is to be expected as their "norm" too?.

HelloTreacle9 Wed 06-Apr-16 14:47:11

Thanks all. I will check out the Gottman Institute. We have both had lots of life/professional coaching over the phone so we are comfortable with that.

I know Relate looks like the obvious answer, but Relate counsellors are not coaches - it's a completely different philosophy and approach.

And yes, we do both love each other and have no intention of separating. It's not a "loveless marriage" at all - if anything there's way too much emotion in it!

We're not disengaged or living separate lives or ignoring each other's needs or physically distant. It's kind of more intense than that. We've been through an awful lot over the years, and we're probably a bit co-dependent, in fact.

Some recent challenges (me - Stage 3 breast cancer, which thankfully I have recently got five year sign off from; DH - redundancy; both - loads of work pressure as we both work full time and juggle kids and house, and wider family stresses) have highlighted where we don't have skills or tools to deal with things ourselves any more.

I don't really see that separating would be best for the children or us, rather than showing them the reality that long term relationships can go through bad patches and rather than throwing in the towel we will try everything to make it work for us as a couple and a family.

But my God, I am exhausted grin

DOMB2016 Thu 07-Apr-16 09:46:07

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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