Relationship coaching?

[HelloTreacle9]

Does anyone have any direct experience of using a marriage/relationship coach?

As opposed to a counsellor? I've always liked the coaching approach as it's about where are you now, what are your goals, and how you are going to get there, so it's effective and positive. Rather than dwelling on the problems. But there don't seem to be many relationship coaches around apart from really high-end (ie expensive Harley Street types) like Stephen Hedger.

DH and I have been together for 26 years, married for 16, two young children, and we are more than stuck in a rut - things are now openly hostile and it's toxic and making us all miserable. But we both love each other and don't want to separate. We need professional help to fix things and I have a gut feeling that if we can find the right coach, we will be able to get back on track.

Any recommendations would be really welcome!

[singingsixpence82]

The Gottman institute is a world authority on relationship science. They have a coaching network or something like it although I'm not sure it's that extensive outside America. You might have to do telephone coaching but you could check it out. They also have a lot of books about relationships.

I also came across what seemed a useful recommendation when a counselor I know of did a radio show. I haven't read it but it might be useful - www.drsuejohnson.com/where-does-love-go-wrong/

[Awholelottanosy]

Is there a reason you don't want to go to Relate. Sounds like just the thing they're trained to do.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Has he also stated he loves you and does not want to separate or is this mainly coming from you and you alone?.

If things are now openly hostile and toxic at home, maybe the best thing to do would be for the two of you to now part. What are your children learning about relationships from the two of you here?. Do you want to show them that a loveless marriage is to be expected as their "norm" too?.

[HelloTreacle9]

Thanks all. I will check out the Gottman Institute. We have both had lots of life/professional coaching over the phone so we are comfortable with that.

I know Relate looks like the obvious answer, but Relate counsellors are not coaches - it's a completely different philosophy and approach.

And yes, we do both love each other and have no intention of separating. It's not a "loveless marriage" at all - if anything there's way too much emotion in it!

We're not disengaged or living separate lives or ignoring each other's needs or physically distant. It's kind of more intense than that. We've been through an awful lot over the years, and we're probably a bit co-dependent, in fact.

Some recent challenges (me - Stage 3 breast cancer, which thankfully I have recently got five year sign off from; DH - redundancy; both - loads of work pressure as we both work full time and juggle kids and house, and wider family stresses) have highlighted where we don't have skills or tools to deal with things ourselves any more.

I don't really see that separating would be best for the children or us, rather than showing them the reality that long term relationships can go through bad patches and rather than throwing in the towel we will try everything to make it work for us as a couple and a family.

But my God, I am exhausted

[Alicelock87]

@hellotreacle I know this is old but hoping you’ll see this message ! Did you find a relationship coach in London ? Looking for the same thing but definitely can’t afford Stephens £750 per session rates !!

[krystynablackbrook]

Hi just reading this thread and wanted to say that I am a relationship therapist and coach working in London. I am part of a network of relationship coaches who live throughout the UK and am happy to talk with any of you who are looking for help and to recommend any of my colleagues who may be suitable.

Not all relationship counselling dwells on problems, in fact good relationship support focusses on the present and on recognising unhelpful behaviour patterns, which cause communication breakdown in relationships. Some of these behavioural patterns may well be rooted in the past but the shift certainly lies in the present and the work is best done when exploring how we are with our loved ones in the here and now. Just to add, you do not need to pay such huge rates to get excellent support. Shop around but generally in London the going rates are between 65 and 150 for couples. Good luck

[Finelyhoned]

Hi...I am reading this thread with great interest. On point of booking with Stephen Hedger, but something doesn't feel quite right.
Definitely want to work with a coach than a counsellor...need very, very good one. Husband very resistant but I think a great coach could change our lives! Can anyone recommend please?

[krystynablackbrook]

Hi Finelyhoned. I hear your preference for a coach rather than a counsellor. It may be helpful to consider the type of support you would like more than the style of practitioner. For example you could see a Systemic practitioner who would focus on patterns of behaviour within your relationship or an emotionally focussed practitioner who's frame of reference would be the emotional connection between couples.
There are other theoretical positions to choose from and I believe they
would be delivered in a similar way by a coach, counsellor and psychotherapist.
Good luck

[Harvine]

Finelyhoned just wondering if you booked with Stephen Hedger? I am considering it and wanted to find out if it’s useful. Many thanks.

[Adrienne2020]

Hi has anyone used Stephen Hedger, if so can you tell me if he was as good as he sounds and how much to expect

[Adrienne2020]

Has anyone used Stephen Hedger or any other really good relationship coach, looking for recommendations, feed back as to what to expect and an idea of cost

[Valleymum2]

Hi did you use Stephen hedger in the end? His website looks really good but I haven’t been able to find any information on cost - can anyone give me a ball park figure for what the 12 sessions cost ? I don’t want to get my heart set on something I can’t afford !

[TuneBackIntoLove]

I truly hope you rekindled that connection and are in a happier place today.