This is going to be long but I need to get this out and have no one to talk to IRL
My life is a complete mess. I'm married but cant call him DH so will refer to him as OH, we've been together since I was 15, I'm now 45, I've never even had a date with another man.
OH is completely consumed by his OCD which he's had for about 8 years, he promises to tackle it but does nothing about it.. I know it's a mental illness so have tried to support him but it now takes him 4 hours befote he can even keave the house. He has no friends, no hobbies, hasn't worked for 4 years, does nothing to help with our DD or the house.
This all came to a head in October when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, all through the chemo he has left me to deal with everything as usual. We've had a few talks where he promises to change, I believe him because I want our relationship to be like it used to but nothing changes, he bears no resemblence at all to the lovely caring man I married.
I'm due to have a masectomy a week tomorrow, I've been really upset tonight, im struggling coming to terms with it and asked him for some support and reassurance. His reaction to my tears was to walk away and make himself a coffee as he could deal with it.
We had a huge row and he apologised said he will change, etc, etc. I know he won't. He's a man child with issues but I'm I'll and will have my breast removed next week, no other man is going to want me.
We have an 8 year old DD who is already traumatised due to the changes she has seen me go through, I don't want to put her through any thing else.
I don't know what I'm asking here, I know I need to leave him but I'm scared of being on my own. I don't have any close friends I can count on just a few mum'sI chat to at the school gates. I have family but we're not very close and I don't feel I can rely on them. The cancer treatment has taken what was left of my confidence. It all just feels hopeless.
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I know I need to leave him
StormyLovesOdd · 03/04/2016 23:33
I didn't see this first time around - I'm so sorry you're going through this. 
I have a friend who put up with her husband's severe OCD for years - taking 4 hours to get out the door is something they lived with for a long time (he very often didn't get out of the door at all and held eg the kitchen under seige for days). She, and you, can't live like this. She left him and she is now flying like a bird.
Breast cancer survivor here too, just finished treatment. I also have no family (to speak of) and friends were, well, a bit shit when all the cancer stuff hit. But I did it, I went through it alone (moreorless). It's hard, when everyone seems to have someone/s, to go through such a difficult time with no-one - but it's not so bad at all actually. It's only the social stigma of being 'alone' that is the worst of it; the reality is nowhere near as bad. My neighbours were good with the practical stuff, bless them, and other friends stepped forward I wouldn't have expected.
Going through a very difficult time with someone who is effectively tying lead weights to your ankles just makes everything ten times worse. If he refuses to get treatment then he can go and live somewhere else and terrorise the cat, not the family. It was so damaging for my friend's kids to live with this monstrous illness - especially as he wouldn't take meds because he said they made him fat. Yet his family suffered terribly because he refused to accept treatment.
Have you accessed eg Macmillan? Lots of support there and meeting other women in the same position. We also have a breast cancer support group our way and some of the women popped in to eg change my bedding (once a week when you're having chemo, as you know). I found the medics were the worst ("What, you have NO-ONE? No-one at all???" ) when I pushed for overnight hospital stays after surgery. I had to push for what I wanted - actually, needed.
As hard as this is to face at this time, I do think you would be better off not having him there. So unbearably lonely to have someone present who should be supporting but isn't - much better to be on your own.
Thinking of you
btw social services offer short-term fostering - a day or two - for the kids when you're in hospital. I hope that doesn't make you more miserable (social services also has its own stigma!) but just to flag up there is a net if there is no-one else to look after them.
I didn't have a mastectomy so I hope someone comes on who has and can offer reassurance.
Such a lot for you to face all at once
What a terrible situation for both of you. It's you I'm sorriest for, though, to spend all those years caring for someone to find they haven't an ounce of empathy for you when you are ill.
I think once you're away from him life will be so much easier for you. You know that now you really have to start to look after yourself.
for you and very best wishes for your operation.
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