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I know I need to leave him

(25 Posts)
StormyLovesOdd Sun 03-Apr-16 23:33:03

This is going to be long but I need to get this out and have no one to talk to IRL

My life is a complete mess. I'm married but cant call him DH so will refer to him as OH, we've been together since I was 15, I'm now 45, I've never even had a date with another man.

OH is completely consumed by his OCD which he's had for about 8 years, he promises to tackle it but does nothing about it.. I know it's a mental illness so have tried to support him but it now takes him 4 hours befote he can even keave the house. He has no friends, no hobbies, hasn't worked for 4 years, does nothing to help with our DD or the house.

This all came to a head in October when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, all through the chemo he has left me to deal with everything as usual. We've had a few talks where he promises to change, I believe him because I want our relationship to be like it used to but nothing changes, he bears no resemblence at all to the lovely caring man I married.

I'm due to have a masectomy a week tomorrow, I've been really upset tonight, im struggling coming to terms with it and asked him for some support and reassurance. His reaction to my tears was to walk away and make himself a coffee as he could deal with it.

We had a huge row and he apologised said he will change, etc, etc. I know he won't. He's a man child with issues but I'm I'll and will have my breast removed next week, no other man is going to want me.

We have an 8 year old DD who is already traumatised due to the changes she has seen me go through, I don't want to put her through any thing else.

I don't know what I'm asking here, I know I need to leave him but I'm scared of being on my own. I don't have any close friends I can count on just a few mum'sI chat to at the school gates. I have family but we're not very close and I don't feel I can rely on them. The cancer treatment has taken what was left of my confidence. It all just feels hopeless.

RJnomore1 Sun 03-Apr-16 23:40:37

Aw love.

You are going through so much and to have to cope with his mental health issues too is understandably too much.

But please don't think your surgery will make you unattractive. I know that's the least of your problems but I have a friend who is a breast cancer/surgery survivor and she's one of the most beautiful vivacious people I know.

ColaSpangles Sun 03-Apr-16 23:54:49

Hi just want to send support. That sounds like an absolutely terrible position for you. Firstly good luck with surgery lovely and I hope all goes well. Having the surgery will not mean men can't like you anymore at all. Leaving this situation will lead to peace. And it may jolt him to have help with ocd to try and win you back. Get through the op and recovery, then make your decision. It's too much all at once, one step at a time. I've been through the mill in a different way and I kept thinking of the quote, 'when you're going through hell, keep going' ie don't stay in the awful place. But that'll come after your op. Cherish yourself and keep getting strength and support from here- it's got me through some dark times. Xxx

StormyLovesOdd Mon 04-Apr-16 00:05:04

The cancer had his reaction to it has made me realise nothing will change for the better, for years I've plodded on, going to work, supporting him hoping things will get better. I know it won't.

What a mess

ColaSpangles Mon 04-Apr-16 00:21:25

No not your mess lovely. You are amazing dealing with all this. Just think how much stronger you'll be without the dead weight of such an energy draining uncaring albatross round your neck.

ColaSpangles Thu 07-Apr-16 08:01:43

How're you doing, Stormy? Thinking of you.

springydaffs Thu 07-Apr-16 09:54:44

I didn't see this first time around - I'm so sorry you're going through this. flowers

I have a friend who put up with her husband's severe OCD for years - taking 4 hours to get out the door is something they lived with for a long time (he very often didn't get out of the door at all and held eg the kitchen under seige for days). She, and you, can't live like this. She left him and she is now flying like a bird.

Breast cancer survivor here too, just finished treatment. I also have no family (to speak of) and friends were, well, a bit shit when all the cancer stuff hit. But I did it, I went through it alone (moreorless). It's hard, when everyone seems to have someone/s, to go through such a difficult time with no-one - but it's not so bad at all actually. It's only the social stigma of being 'alone' that is the worst of it; the reality is nowhere near as bad. My neighbours were good with the practical stuff, bless them, and other friends stepped forward I wouldn't have expected.

Going through a very difficult time with someone who is effectively tying lead weights to your ankles just makes everything ten times worse. If he refuses to get treatment then he can go and live somewhere else and terrorise the cat, not the family. It was so damaging for my friend's kids to live with this monstrous illness - especially as he wouldn't take meds because he said they made him fat. Yet his family suffered terribly because he refused to accept treatment.

Have you accessed eg Macmillan? Lots of support there and meeting other women in the same position. We also have a breast cancer support group our way and some of the women popped in to eg change my bedding (once a week when you're having chemo, as you know). I found the medics were the worst ("What, you have NO-ONE? No-one at all???" ) when I pushed for overnight hospital stays after surgery. I had to push for what I wanted - actually, needed.

As hard as this is to face at this time, I do think you would be better off not having him there. So unbearably lonely to have someone present who should be supporting but isn't - much better to be on your own.

Thinking of you flowers

springydaffs Thu 07-Apr-16 10:06:40

btw social services offer short-term fostering - a day or two - for the kids when you're in hospital. I hope that doesn't make you more miserable (social services also has its own stigma!) but just to flag up there is a net if there is no-one else to look after them.

I didn't have a mastectomy so I hope someone comes on who has and can offer reassurance.

Such a lot for you to face all at once flowers

StormyLovesOdd Thu 07-Apr-16 22:39:32

Cola / Springy thanks for your concern. I'm OK, still trying to get my head round all this.

Since the row a few days ago OH has been trying to engage more, he has therapy starting in a few weeks (which I pushed for not him) we've talked and I've agreed to leave things as they are and see if the therapy helps. I don't think it will but I don't have the energy to leave him right now.

It's such a waste, we've been best friends since we were children and he used to be so loving and caring before the OCD took over. I feel like I don't know him anymore. It's like living with a stranger but then every now and again I see flashes of the person underneath and I get suckered in again thinking and hoping he'll tackle this and be like he used to.

Saying all that, I think in my head and my heart I have already stepped away from him, too much has happened in the last few months for me to forgive.

The more I need him the less I can rely on him as stress or any kind of problem sends his OCD spiralling out of control. All through the chemo he's carried on in his own little bubble of selfishness leaving me to deal with everything like I always have.

I'm slowly coming to terms with the surgery though I'm terrified how I'm going to feel when wake up after the operation. I suppose you can get used to anything if you have no choice. I'm trying to think ahead to next year when I can have a reconstruction and be put back together rather than what's going on now.

I have found a support group locally and I plan to go to the next meeting.

Springy I hope you are fully recovered now. If we can get through this we can get through anything right?

StormyLovesOdd Thu 07-Apr-16 22:46:19

I really don't want to get social services involved. My Mum has promised to help look after our daughter for a couple of days after my Surgery so I think we'll be able to muddle along for a few days until I can get back on my feet.

springydaffs Thu 07-Apr-16 23:05:09

So glad you came back! I thought the ss comment may have done you in (sorry!) but it was always at the back of mind when I was bringing up the kids alone - that when push came to shove there was a net if all else failed.

What I've found since having this vile illness - I don't take any shit. I really have no tolerance for it now. I used to have low tolerance for it but now I have pretty much zero. I simply CAN"T BE ARSED with other people's shit.

What's happened that that hasn't kicked in for you? Or, well, I do know what's happened - he's got you all wound around his stuff. You have a history together and suddenly he got hijacked - it's no wonder you chased after what you had. Then you went through your Terrible Time...

But he's been a shit. yy I get it's a mental illness and it's not pc to say that. But people can have OCD and take responsiblity for it . He is not taking responsibility for it.

I can't honestly imagine what it must be like for you to go through all this - with him dragging you down deeper. The thought of it makes me want to cry - it's unthinkable.

Happyclappy16 Thu 07-Apr-16 23:14:35

Might be worth googling Aspergers Syndrome - some similarities with OCD and means they struggle to show emotion/cope with stress/change and can become v controlling when this is going on - try NAS website- many people don't get a diagnosis as a child - maybe not for now but after the op... Brave lady

ImperialBlether Thu 07-Apr-16 23:27:04

What a terrible situation for both of you. It's you I'm sorriest for, though, to spend all those years caring for someone to find they haven't an ounce of empathy for you when you are ill.

I think once you're away from him life will be so much easier for you. You know that now you really have to start to look after yourself.

flowers for you and very best wishes for your operation.

springydaffs Thu 07-Apr-16 23:29:39

So what? So what if it's OCD or aspergers or bloody hen shit.

You're ill and you NEED support. He's got whatever he's got and your needs take precedence now.

Of course I'm biased [and seriously over-posting] but this treatment is intense, brutal, seriously vile in the short term. There is no place for his gruesome stuff.

Janie143 Thu 07-Apr-16 23:32:25

Dear SLO I'm so sorry you are not getting support from your DH whilst you are going through your treatment

What I can tell you with certainty is that you are talking tosh that no other man will want you after mastectomy. I had a double mastectomy when my youngest dc was 10 months old. I spilt with DH several years later and had 4 short term relationships before meeting my wonderful DP. Not one of those men had any issue with my breasts and one doesn't have a nipple. I did tell them early on before anything physical happened and gave them the option of walking away. I'll admit I was terrified at the thought before I actually dated anyone but the first man I DTD with was so lovely and respectful I got my confidence back and thought if anyone did have a problem then thay were a waste of air

I wish you all.the best .J xx

Happyclappy16 Thu 07-Apr-16 23:43:30

Agree springydaff just offering different perspective- don't think anyone should stay in a negative relationship - especially when StormyLovesOdd needs extra help and support - just know from experience people don't plan to have mental illness - accepting help is hardest part -same as with physical health problems

StormyLovesOdd Thu 07-Apr-16 23:48:14

Springy - your "not taking any shit" comment defiantly rings true. Im not there yet but im getting there fast. Ive been putting up with the OCD for years and it's only since the cancer diagnosis that I've started thinking about about leaving him. A cancer diagnosis certainly changes you and makes you realise life is for living and it's not worth being dragged down by anyone.

His mum has similar mental illness issues so it's in the family and I worry a lot about our daughter picking up the habit which is another reason to get away from him. It's hard though, I don't love him anymore but I worry about him, I know that without me around constantly reining hm in he'll get worse.

Happyclappy16 Thu 07-Apr-16 23:54:41

You are not responsible for his health though! He's an adult and can move on if he has to - can't imagine how tough things must be - sending one up for you

springydaffs Fri 08-Apr-16 00:04:40

Perhaps your help and support has prevented him from hitting rock bottom and getting some help....

springydaffs Fri 08-Apr-16 00:13:53

And since my friend left her husband he's got a job!! He's bought a house!! He's on meds!! (not in that order lol). He's actually s/e. she cleared out the mountains of shit clogging up the entire house (the poor kids apart from anything <cry>). Everyone is MUCH happier. I don't know if 'happier' would sum him up but he is certainly on a much more even keel. And she is blissfully happy because she's freeee.

What you are going through is so serious, so horrible, that NOTHING takes precedence during it. It takes the top slot.

StormyLovesOdd Fri 08-Apr-16 08:38:16

Happy / Springy your right, I try to keep him calm for our DD sake, I try not to pander to the OCD but sometime I do let things pass without saying anything to him nausea I don't want to make him worse.

StormyLovesOdd Fri 08-Apr-16 08:44:35

Janie - it's really good to hear that you have not had problems with new relationships after your surgery. I plan to have a reconstruction next year on the affected boob.

If you have any advise for me to help cope with the op and the emotional fallout I would really appreciate it. I've been putting it all to the back of my mind but the operation is on Monday and I'm scared.

Janie143 Fri 08-Apr-16 09:50:54

Sent a PM SLO x

Divathecat Fri 08-Apr-16 11:55:48

My Mum (who lives a long way away from me) recently had 2 x breast surgery and my Step Father was useless, first time round he offered her a yoghurt for dinner and went out to the pub, so when she had her second op she was so much more prepared.

I can offer some practical tips,

Transport - you can pre book hospital transport to and from the hospital if you haven't a reliable person to take you, my Mum found this took the pressure off a bit, the service was well run and other people just out of surgery used it too, so they are used to looking after people after GA/Sore etc.

Food wise - get some easy to heat comfort food in, you may find yourself starving after the Nil by mouth period or you may want something easy to eat if the GA has made you feel a bit queasy. M&S do nice microwave meals, if you are in the South of England then Cook do great food to slam in the oven or microwave. If you get chance maybe pre cook some of your daughters favourite meals and freeze them?

Internet grocery shopping could be very helpful during this time generally. Especially heavy items.

My Mum swore by these tops, she bought a few, went back for more and still wears them now, tuclothing.sainsburys.co.uk/p/White-Seamless-Unpadded-Bra/124016750-White?searchTerm=:relevance:type:Bras:style:Seamfree&searchProduct=

DVD's/Film During recuperation maybe watch some films with your DD? Snuggles on the sofa, choose weepy/uplifting/Disney etc sometimes having a cry to a film can be an excellent emotional release.

I have no advice about your OH other than (sadly) don't expect anything different from him during the post surgery recovery. Just be kind to yourself.

Mentally park the discussion for the future for now? it might help to actually write yourself a calendar reminder now for a date in several weeks to think about your relationship, put it out of your mind in the short term but knowing that the calendar reminder is there is helpful for the mentally parking it. (sorry not describing what I mean very well there).

Best wishes to you, as others have said don't let this knock your confidence in your appearance.

Divathecat Thu 14-Apr-16 18:17:31

Hows it going OP?

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