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I really need some help (long I'm sorry)

(30 Posts)
Sashanicole01 Sun 03-Apr-16 00:31:07

I've been with my (now ex) boyfriend for 2 years. When we met it was amazing as it always is, and he treated me like I was the best thing to ever happen to him.

As time went on he got a job offer about 3 hours away, and made the decision to move without even mentioning it, but I still ended up dropping my entire life to move there to be with him.

Since moving I've found it very tough to adjust, I developed horrendous anxiety and panic attacks with absolutely no support from him. He's not very good with emotions. So I took it upon myself to sort it out on my own, again with no support. He never wanted to introduce me to people to make me feel more at home, which upset me, and led him to come to the conclusion that I 'don't let him go out' which isn't true.

It caused us a lot of trouble because he couldn't 'cope' with how I was. I ended up feeling very isolated and extremely lonely. Which in hindsight made me quite clingy, considering he's the only person I had.

Throughout the relationship he's smoked a lot of weed, and he's gradually become more and more depressed and distant from me. He lost his sex drive pretty much completely, and didn't put much effort into being my boyfriend, despite my efforts to make him as happy as I possibly could. I can say when I've done wrong with no problems, and I can hand on heart say the only thing I did that might have been an issue was grow more insecure and jealous as he showed me less and less interest.

He would never see how the way he was acting was causing this and making it worse. And it got to a point where he ended it a few times, but then very quickly wanted me back. What he didn't realise is how being picked up and dropped constantly only made me feel less loved by him deep down.

On another occasion at his Dad's wedding he got completely out of his mind drunk and spent at least an hour laying into me about how I'm 'socially inept', how my anxiety is pathetic, how I don't know how to be around people, and every insult under the sun. Failing to realise how for the whole wedding he walked around without me and didn't introduce me to a single person. Which I wouldn't think is much to ask of at a wedding with at least 100 people who I'd never met. The night ended with him going completely mental in the bathroom smashing his head on the wall and he then quite violently pulled me out of the room by my hair. He didnt remember any of it, and stupidly I just let it slide.

I've been in denial of the fact that he hasn't made the effort with me that I have with him. And has actually treated me quite badly. Just under 2 weeks ago, he ended it again. We were meant to be moving back home together next week to 'make it work' and now he's dropped me again, but this time it really is over.

This evening he basically did a repeat of the wedding, but on a much higher, more vile scale. Since he dumped me he hasn't moved out, and I've obviously been crying my eyes out and lying on the sofa between forcing myself to go to work, just like most people do when they're dumped. The whole time he's been getting angry at me when I try and talk to him, which leads to an arguement.

The thing is he turns everything I say or do into a problem, and has left me feeling like I've been the worst girlfriend in the world, as if he can't wait to 'escape' me and how everyone thinks I'm a 'psycho' which is really nasty to say the least. I've dropped everything for him and spent 2 years of my life doing everything for him so he doesn't have to.

I even feel crazy writing this because he's got me so wrapped around his finger. I guess I just need some advice on how to get myself back. I've been in a physically abusive relationship before (again for 2 years) and I swore I would never let someone treat me badly again, but although he wasn't violent apart from that one occasion, I can see now that it has been emotionally abusive.
He's leaving on Monday, and he's told me how his whole family think I'm crazy, and it just gets to me that I can be treated like this and no one ever hears my side.

I have absolutely no confidence left, I want my life back, and I want to get over him because for some reason I still love him and wish it worked.

I don't know why I'm writing this all out I'm just not coping with this at all and I need some reassurance that Im not 'crazy' and that his behaviour wasnt justified. I feel completely lost and could do with talking to people who have maybe come out of the other side of a seemingly hopeless situation, because having already been there and not learnt, I guess I need a little more help

Name7 Sun 03-Apr-16 00:34:17

Ignore the extra bit. If he did worse than the wedding you need to phone the police now. Please get yourself some help.

FlappyRose Sun 03-Apr-16 00:36:56

I really feel for you. You know that the problem is him, not you, and you need to get as far away as possible from him. Cut all ties. Can you move back to where you used to be, closer to family or friends?

Sashanicole01 Sun 03-Apr-16 00:40:36

I'm still moving because we had already arranged where we would live and I've already sorted out my job and everything, I just wish I could stop loving him and care as little as he does

Birthgeek Sun 03-Apr-16 00:43:19

You're not crazy, his behaviour wasn't justified. You WILL come through this and find yourself again flowers

Did he assault you tonight?

FlappyRose Sun 03-Apr-16 00:44:07

What is it that you love about him?

WaxingGibbon Sun 03-Apr-16 00:45:58

You're not crazy - and I'm really no expert, there are many on here much better than me, but your post reads like you now have little confidence in yourself and your self esteem is very low.
You need to build up your own confidence in yourself, your worth and your talents. You need to start to love yourself. You must stop looking to him, or anyone else for that matter, for that kind of validation - it really can only come from within. And I think you can only do this on your own. Is there anyone in real life you can talk to? Is it possible for you to go back home? Good luck x

MissBeaHaving Sun 03-Apr-16 00:46:38

I know it doesn't feel like it now but you will be so much better without this abusive,controlling idiot.
I doubt very much everyone thinks you are as he says,they probably know what he's like from what you've said of his behaviour at the wedding etc.
If he's hurt you tonight please ring the police thanks

butteredmuffin Sun 03-Apr-16 00:46:41

When are you moving, Sasha? You need to get away from him as soon as possible. He is being abusive and it sounds as though your safety is at risk while you continue to live with him. Your first priority should be to get away. You can deal with the emotional side of things afterwards.

Name7 Sun 03-Apr-16 00:47:56

repeat of the wedding on a much higher, more vile scale

Will you even consider the police?

Sashanicole01 Sun 03-Apr-16 00:48:00

He didn't assault me but he got in my face a lot and was very aggressive, thank you Birthgeek I really hope so :/

And FlappyRose, I guess I'm hanging onto how it used to be, when I love people I have a problem with only seeing the good in them and letting the bad slide, that's what I would like to change the most I think

WaxingGibbon Sun 03-Apr-16 00:49:04

Think about flappyrose's question. Does he really have that many loveable qualities, really??
Or are you in love with a fairy tale version of him that only exists in your head

KindDogsTail Sun 03-Apr-16 00:49:22

Sashan I am so sorry you are this unhappy. This relationship has broken you down.
Your boyfirend has treated you in a horrible way and is destroying you.
Could you change your plans and move back to where your family and friends are like Flappy says?

Could you telephone for help? This man has bee violent and he has been emotionally abusive.

FREEPHONE 24-HOUR NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HELPLINE Run in partnership between Women's Aid and Refuge0808 2000 247

Birthgeek Sun 03-Apr-16 00:51:24

Have you ever had any kind of support like counselling or therapy? Can help you organise your thoughts, tease out the lies, gather your strength and make a plan..

goddessofsmallthings Sun 03-Apr-16 00:52:33

I'm concerned that this is not the first time you've been in an absuive relationship and, for the second time in 24 hours, I have to say that as third time lucky doesn't always hold, I suggest you make contact with your nearest Women's Aid service after you've moved back to your old stamping ground and enrol on the Freedom Programme.

Sashanicole01 Sun 03-Apr-16 00:53:41

When I said about him being more vile this evening it was more in the sense of him ripping into me with what he was saying, and I know that looks like i'm making excuses.
I'm moving back next week and I'll be around friends and family, he's moving back home to his family so we'll be far away from each other

I guess I am just living in a fairytale of how it used to be, I always grow attached to people because I love them so deeply and it's never requited

Sashanicole01 Sun 03-Apr-16 00:55:40

My family have said they're going to help me and think I should get some counseling. My relationship before this was terribly abusive and I don't think I ever dealt with that so I settle for it I suppose, He is nothing like the guy before and it wasn't a regular thing to be physically abusive like he was, but I know this still isn't acceptable. Thank you for all your responses

Birthgeek Sun 03-Apr-16 00:58:03

The first thing I noticed was that you followed him and moved 3 hrs away, dropping your own life, despite the fact that he already wasn't treating you as an equal. Your need to be in a relationship trumping your need to be a whole, happy person in your own right.

I'd examine why you feel you fall in love so deeply. A lot of us fall into that trap - it's the Disney dream. Sometimes it's because of a lack of love in our childhoods, for example.

Take time with your family and friends. Seek therapy if you can. See the next few months as healing and be kind to yourself.

Sashanicole01 Sun 03-Apr-16 01:08:06

I guess it makes sense now that my Dad wasn't around after the age of 4 and he was extremely abusive towards my mum. She also remarried to another man for 12 years who ended up having an affair with my brother's girlfriend, he was also not a very nice man at all

(seems my life is like Jeremy Kyle)

I don't know if this could have an affect on how I am with partners, maybe it's affected me more than I realised

WaxingGibbon Sun 03-Apr-16 01:08:53

Yy I've been there too. Many of us have. I look back and cringe at how wet and clingy I must have seemed. At the time all I was aware of was how much in love I was, and how this was the man of my dreams... but why did it feel like he was pulling away from me.. Etc etc
You need time and space to put him truly behind you. It will be terribly painful and it will feel like you will never come through it - but you must persevere.
And yes I think it will help you to work through the damage of your earlier relationship and explore the common thread - which is you, what you are looking for in your relationships and perhaps what you are projecting onto the men you 'fall so hard' for

WaxingGibbon Sun 03-Apr-16 01:09:59

Sorry x posted
Counselling will help you I think

butteredmuffin Sun 03-Apr-16 01:14:39

I agree with everyone who said counselling. It sounds as though because your mum had a bad time with your dad and your stepfather, you didn't exactly grow up with a good example of what a healthy relationship should look like. There are lots of lovely men out there who will not treat you in this way. But first you need to get away from this guy, seek some help, and learn what is and is not acceptable and how to spot the bad ones sooner rather than later.

KindDogsTail Sun 03-Apr-16 13:29:26

How are you feeling today Sashan? It is good you are going to be with your own friends and family soon.

I agree with everyone who advised counselling (^Freedom^?). My sister was in two abusive relationship, first with a boyfriend then in marriage. After leaving her husband and having counselling, she was able to go on to have a good marriage with a man who respects her and treats her well.

In my opinion there is no Disney Dream, though the in love feeling is very nice. In fact you often hear that narcissistic partners move in very quickly and forcefully with the "I love mine" That's just to draw a person in.

No other person can fulfil all your needs, nor you theirs. You need to get your own self - love and your own life as far as possible before you can share a life with another person in mutual respect and love.

This man you've been with sounds a complete nightmare:
Not introducing you to friends at the wedding, getting drunk and hitting you, emotionally abusing you etc. - it would all have escalated most likely. You are not some failure in all this. No one could have anything to do with him and be all right.

Good luck with everything. I hope you will look back one day and know you have had a very lucky escape.

springydaffs Sun 03-Apr-16 15:38:10

about how I'm 'socially inept', how my anxiety is pathetic, how I don't know how to be around people,

Says he who is constantly checked out from RL on weed.

Don't underestimate that stuff. It is vile in large quantities - just like booze. If he was pissed all the time would you see it more clearly?

Yes I'd definitely suggest counselling to work out what's going on here, why you gave up your life for him, 'did everything for him' - you need to get to the bottom of why you do that. Also do the Freedom Programme, just to get your head straight about what is and isn't abuse and how it works. I wish they taught it at schools tbh...

You've put a lot into this relationship and you want to see the rewards of all your hard work. The sunk costs fallacy?

I'm concerned about your safety, too. Not everyone drags someone around by their hair, only abusers. You say 'only the once' like it's not so bad. It shouldn't have happened ONCE.

MrsJuice Sun 03-Apr-16 23:23:10

If someone is faulty, abusive and cruel - you can do so much better.
My husband disappeared. Seemed like a beautiful relationship to me, but you have to accept the decision.
Tell him you're glad he ended it. Tell him you've been having doubts for a while, and are grateful for the space.
Lock the door behind him.

Don't be a victim. You sound lovely, and until you're free from him, you'll never find 'the one'.
Trust me. There are lots of men out there. Most of the aren't selfish twats.
Life is too short to chase someone who can't be bothered!

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