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Too sceptical to date believing that over 40, all the good men must surely be taken

(17 Posts)
earlycomputers Tue 29-Mar-16 22:53:24

If men were a catch/good looking/attractive/kind/thoughtful etc etc with no relationship-killer bad points (adulterous/addicts/abusive/lazy/selfish/unattractive etc etc), then surely all the good ones would have been taken by the time they are 35 or thereabouts? This means any who are over 35 and single must have relationship-killer bad points? This is very cynical I know, but I haven't made any effort to date knowing that if I date a man over 35 there must be a (bad) reason he isn't with anyone else. I am excluding those who are single through being widowed as this isn't their fault. Can anyone please tell me otherwise?! Please tell me there must be some genuinely nice single men over 35 out there who haven't got any serious failings? I suppose there must be some guys who are single because they decided to quit their previous relationships (rather than the other way round) - so please tell me about those to give me some faith that there are potentially nice ones out there! (btw - I know all of the above logic applies to single women - ie all the good ones are taken over a certain age etc but I am just interested re single men). I suppose also that some men are single becuase former partners left them for trivial reasons (ie reasons that would not be a problem to others)? If you know of these, please say, because at the moment I feel far too sceptical, but willing to have my mind changed...

MarkRuffaloCrumble Tue 29-Mar-16 23:14:57

I think it's more about compatibility. We all change so much throughout our 20s and 30s and the likelihood of actually still getting on well with a partner you met 10-20 years ago after all the stress of daily life, children, work etc means that lots of relationships fail. This doesn't mean either party is somehow 'faulty' or deficient in some way, just that they are not suited to each other any more.

My ex was not very emotional, not involved in family life and very focussed on his work. For me, this was a deal breaker. His new GF is in the same line of work, also very passionate about it, has no DCs so doesn't demand family time with him and is actually even more unemotional than him!

I was always too needy and too emotional for him, but my now DP is also a very emotional person and we get on brilliantly, we are both as needy as each other! He used to be very self-absorbed and didn't treat his ex partner very well. She had an affair and left him. With me he is totally different, very generous and loving and has learned the error of his ways (plus I am obviously fabulous and more deserving of his lovely treatment wink )

His ex continued to smoke after he gave up, which pissed him off daily, she was also still living the party lifestyle of her 20s while he was more settled into family life, so that was another stumbling block for them. What worked for them when they met was no longer a match in their 30s.

So what I'm saying is that for each of us, our previous partners didn't really do it any more, but that makes us just perfect for someone else. Don't despair, one man's trash is another's treasure!

CockacidalManiac Wed 30-Mar-16 00:11:29

I'm in my 40s. I'm single by choice at the moment. In my experience, it's as hard to find single women in their 40s without relationship killing issues too.
Relationships end all the time, new people become available every day.

sparkly72 Wed 30-Mar-16 00:22:12

You are wrong ... I met my husband when we were both 40... His marriage broke down, as had my previous relationship- both due to external circumstances rather than him not being a good catch or a great partner. He's a wonderful man and I know there are more of them out there

houseeveryweekend Wed 30-Mar-16 00:31:04

My partner was 42 when I met him. Ive never loved anyone as much as I love him hes an amazing man. Previous to me he was with a woman for nearly 20 years. She was 18 years older than him and already had her own children when they met. I think they just grew apart and she was ready to retire and live quite a sedate life after her children left home but he wanted to travel etc. He was very unhappy about it as he did love her but I think the compromise over how he wanted to live his life would've been to great for him to stay. People don't always break up because someone has flaws or someone does something wrong. A lot of the time people just grow apart in ways they didn't expect. Now days people live so long and there isn't the same pressure on people to get married and make it work at all costs that its quite common for people to separate in their 40s... its not necessarily a bad thing. I think there are lots of decent men out there who find themselves single in their forties, What I would be worried about though is those guys who are in their forties and have never had a long term relationship at all. By long term I mean more than a couple of years. I do find that a bit odd. Obviously there might be a legitimate reason like they have prioritised their career where they had to travel a lot or something but in most cases id be suspicious that they may be very flawed people who are unable to get close to others.... xx

CockacidalManiac Wed 30-Mar-16 00:34:21

I agree; people grow apart in LTR, that's why new people become available all the time.

BeastofCraggyIsland Wed 30-Mar-16 00:41:08

I met my DP when he was 36 (I was 32) and he definitely does not have any of the 'killer' bad points you mention at all. I agree with MarkR that it's about compatibility though. DP absolutely has his foibles and idiosyncrasies, as do I, but it just happens that our particular brands of weird are perfect for each other grin

Don't lose hope, there are absolutely good men over 35 out there. In DP's case, he and his most recent ex parted on good terms and he was then single for just over a year before he met me as he had set up his own business which was a free-time black hole. He just didn't have time to devote to a new relationship during that period and he isn't the casual dating/messing people around type. There really isn't always a terrible or sinister reason for it. He's not perfect by any stretch but he is honest, generous, motivated, hardworking, funny, kind, trustworthy AND over 35!

We met on, give it a go wink

Aussiemum78 Wed 30-Mar-16 00:54:57

I'm the same. An abusive relationship and seeing a few friends break from abusive relationships has really jaded me.

I know there is good men out there, but I'm skeptical towards divorced men because even my ex comes across as a decent guy if you don't know him well. I think I'm hyper sensitive to red flags.

But that's how I know I'm not really ready to date yet. When I feel less cynical I'll think about dating.

Nellythekneenibbler Wed 30-Mar-16 05:42:38

I used to think the same as you op. I left an abusive relationship in my 40s and went about dating almost immediately, thinking the pool of decent unattached men left is only shrinking at this point. OLD is a minefield and you meet lots of nutters and on every date I started to think 'In what way is this one going to let me down?' That was until I met my current partner. He's 54, had two ltr but never married/had kids and he's the loveliest, kindest, most romantic man you could ever wish to meet. So there are good men out there, you just have to hunt really hard for them.

TheNaze73 Wed 30-Mar-16 07:18:10

It's exactly the same with women over 40. I thought the same, they all seemed to have hang ups, emotional baggage & I'm sure like with men, there are some batshit crazy ones out there. Cockacidal is right, people who marry or who start LTR in their 20's change, just need to look in the right places

earlycomputers Wed 30-Mar-16 07:46:44

Thanks everyone! That has helped a lot - I feel much less cynical now! Now to work out how I am to meet mr right....

lottiegarbanzo Wed 30-Mar-16 08:04:05

Lots of men don't even think about settling down until they're 35. Quite normal. Less but increasingly so for women.

Trills Wed 30-Mar-16 08:21:39

If that were the case wouldn't it also be true of women who are single over 40?

Is there something wrong with YOU?

Or do you have some reason to believe that there are fewer "good men" than there are "good women"?

lottiegarbanzo Wed 30-Mar-16 08:24:42

Also totally agree about drifting apart. I've seen a '15 year itch' amongst a few couples who met at university.

That can be the point when one person suddenly realises they do want children and it's now or never, while the other still doesn't. Or there's an 'is this it? It's ok but isn't there more to life, while I'm still young?' moment. Or they just recognise that they're not the people they were and are no longer compatible.

Most I've seen have moved on to new, long-term relationships, some marriages, before long.

Trills Wed 30-Mar-16 08:38:03

It really is a shame that the only relationship breakups you've seen are ones where one party had something "wrong" with them, and that it's only people who have been widowed who you say "it's not their fault".

wallywobbles Wed 30-Mar-16 09:36:50

Got together with DP in our 40's. We had both had unfaithful partners. Best man I've ever met. 4 kids between us.

BillBrysonsBeard Wed 30-Mar-16 10:00:35

I know plenty of great men who became single in their 40s just because they and their wives had drifted apart, become incompatible etc. But to someone else they were amazing. The only thing is that they get snapped up quickly!

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